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Transcript Edit

Introduction Edit

Justin: Welcome to My Brother My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. An historic week indeed. We now live in a nation where our President - Barack Hussein Obama - has declared everyone is gay.
Travis: [laughs] Yep.
Justin: What's so funny? Uh, Travis this is…
Travis: No I'm just, I was so excited. That was laughter of excitement and pride.
Justin: It's a major sea change.
Griffin: His announcement was so monumental. I just like, I turned to all my friends and I said today we are all gay, and then we just like started…
Justin: Yeah
Griffin: …scoopin' it.
Justin: Yeah
Travis: Yeah
Justin: Bottoms up. If you know what I mean.
Travis: I said today is the day we celebrate our independence gay.
Justin: It was so strange because I was in a room with a bunch of guys, and what was previously a comfortable gathering of ‘bros’ hoisting and watching the news together…
Travis: Mm-hmm
Justin: …there was suddenly like so many layers of sexual tension.
Griffin: Yeah. You just put all of the dicks in the middle
Travis: Wait…
Griffin: Made a dick octopus
Travis: …you were in a news bar?
Justin: I was in a news bar. No! Travis, I was having my thursday afternoon, uh, just news hoist, just a bunch of bros hoistin’ a few brews and watchin’ the news. Brews and News I call it.
Griffin: Brews and News.
Justin: Brews and News I call it.
Griffin: You do it after legs and eggs. Rock a landing strip.
Justin: [laughs] So, welcome to the first episode of My Brother My Brother and Me that is completely a hundred percent… gay. I am your oldest, and by extension - gayest brother, Justin McElroy.
Travis: Uhhhh…
Griffin: Is that how that works?
Travis: …I would have to say I am the middlest and gayest brother
Griffin: I’m Griffin McElroy, I’m your youngest brother and, er … it’s Adam and Eve you guys.
Justin: [gasps] Woah!
Travis: Griffin!
Griffin: I didn’t get hit by…
Travis: You’re a federal outlaw now!
Griffin: …I’m in the middle of Texas, the wave didn’t reach me here.
Justin: [laughs] The sonar pulse that he sent out.
Griffin: Mm-hmm.
Justin: It sounded exactly like a DeBarge record, which I though was very strange. You just feel To The Beat Of The Rhythm Of The Night just pulsing…
Griffin: Sure.
Travis: …throughout the entire country, and it just flipped. It flipped polarity.
Griffin: I thought I heard, I had my windows down, but again I’m so far away, I thought I heard All Things (Just Keep Getting Better) by Widelife. Like, I thought I heard Widelife, I thought I heard the Widelife wave crash against Austin’s shores, but didn’t make it through hill country
Justin: Yeah
Griffin: Too much obstruction.
Justin: Uh, yeah. Griffin. Yeah, it didn’t get all the way. The only effects there is Griffin is dressing really well now. That’s the only thing.
Griffin: Yeah, oh I look great
Justin: He looks fantastic. He looks fit, tan, looks great. Just prefers ladies still. Uh hey…
Griffin: So, why don’t you guys go over to… why don’t you guys go listen to Throwing Shade, they’re going to… they’re probably going to have a lot more informed opinion, they’re probably going to sound a lot…
Justin: …they may be a little bit more informed
Griffin: Probably going to sound a lot less stupid when they talk about this thing, but, congratulations… just everyone. Except for people who hate homosexuals - anybody sort of anti-LGBT, in which case go fuck off.
Travis: Yeah. You suck.
Justin: Yeah.
Travis: You suck real hard.
Griffin: Go eat shit. Like a dog.
Justin: And I say that now, deep down, with the conviction of a man living a gay life. And I now… I now hate those people.
Griffin: I don’t think you know what… I don’t think you know what gay means. Cause I don’t… like you’re married to a woman…
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: …I’m pretty sure that you… presumably you love.
Justin: It’s a federal law Griffin!
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: I’m not going to throw it in the face of the authorities and say that I’m straight!
Travis: The President doesn’t just, like, come out and say stuff like this on a whim.
Griffin: Yeah, that’s true.
Justin: He did polling research.
Travis: He signed things. Things were signed Griffin.
Griffin: Yeah yeah, there’s significant policy coming, but, oh… there’s … oh… there’s not! Never mind. Next question. First question.
Justin: The President did polling research that I wanted to research poles. [Travis laughs] He know’s what’s up. He has the mana.
Griffin: He called up Joey Lucas, he was like: Hey, how do we feel about gays today? We cool? Am I good?
Justin: Umm.
Travis: Joey? Are you there? Hello?
Griffin: Joey? Oh, you’re fictional, fuck.
Justin: Unpredictably, the President’s gay polarity beam actually gave her her hearing back [Travis gasps]
Griffin: Awww.
Justin: Yeah, it’s a big day for her. Hey, uh…
Griffin: That was the first episode of Season 8. Godammit.
Justin: [laughs] Godammit Obama.

Question #1 (05:24) Edit

When are little lies ok in a relationship? My husband is very loosey-goosey when it comes to adhering to Best Before dates, and hates wasting food. Sometimes when he’s at work I throw things away and tell him I ate it. Am I wrong?

Justin: Umm…
Travis: Before we address the bigger question here, your husband is right, and you are wrong. Best Before dates are there for a reason, they wouldn't put that date on there if there wasn't something bad that happened after that date, you shouldn't keep it in the house.
Griffin: No no, then she's right.
Travis: Oh, then you are right and your husband is wrong.
Griffin: Yeah yeah. That's… That's no. No. Sometimes just to be safe I'll go like three days before.
Travis: Mm-hmm.
Justin: No way guys.
Travis: Cause it's not an exact science. There’s no way they can pinpoint the date, if so - they’re pre-cogs, and that’s a bigger problem.
Justin: You’re coddling your systems! Your system needs that bad stuff trying to hurt it or else it’s going to get… like it’s like attachment parenting, right now, what you guys are doing is attachment parenting for your immune systems.
Travis: Justin, why would they put a Best Before date if it wasn’t bad after that date.
Justin: Uh, I’m sorry Travis, are you gonna let…
Griffin: Cos they want you to go to the store to buy new stuff.
Justin: …are you gonna let Big Dairy tell you when you can eat something, or are you just gonna eat it?
Travis: You know, yes I am. In this circumstance, Big Dairy - you’re in control big buddy.
Justin: Your body knows when something is bad. If there’s a bubble in your tomato sauce…
Travis: Yes, and you know what’s part of my body? My eyes and my brain that look at the Best Before date, and my brain goes: You got it bro.
Justin: Naah. Naah.
Griffin: I have a carton of buttermilk that I bought solely to make biscuits about a month ago, and its Best Before date is May first. I’m pretty sure if I crack that bad boy open it’s gonna be dumplings. I’m afraid to look in it, I’m afraid to touch it.
Justin: [chuckling] It may have made biscuits itself at this point.
Griffin: Yeah. Just I don’t know, like I’m afraid to touch stuff once it’s past the date, let alone consume it with my mouth. So… so a panel of three experts, two against one, Travis and I win.
Justin: Fair enough.
Griffin: The second issue though is that… how do you want your husband to look at you when he comes home from work, and you’re like: Hey, um, you remember that like totally gnar hummus that we had?
Travis: [Justin and Travis laugh] Hey hun, I ate all of the ranch.
Griffin: You’re like: I’m not sure if I should eat the hummus cause it looks kinda gnar, it’s got a face now, like, yeah I totally consumed it.
Justin: I don’t even know how you…
Griffin: It’s good in my mouth and stomach. So great.
Justin: …bring it up in conversation. Hey hun, how was your day? Oh mine was pretty good, just grubbin on a bunch of rotten food. [Griffin laughs]
Travis: I just ate like a tub of sour cream that did not begin as sour cream
Justin: [laughing]Yeah, just grubbin on rotten food like I know makes you so proud.
Travis: Well here the bit, this is what I picture: him coming home and going to throw something away and opening the trash can and it’s just full of like salad dressing containers y’know, and he’s like: Honey, what… what is the meaning of this?
Griffin: Yeah. Just slammin some ceasar, don’t worry about it.
Travis: I saw the Thousand Island and I just couldn’t stop myself.
Griffin: Listen, I’m a growin’ lady, I gotta… you know.
Justin: Your husband loves you, he shouldn’t want you to eat rotten food. Why don’t you take his…
Griffin: Well that’s how you gotta pitch it to him right? So… so that he doesn’t get upset. You gotta say: listen, I knew you were gonna eat that totally gnar hummus with a face, like I knew that when you got home from work you were gonna take your coat off, you were gonna say ‘Hi honey!’, and smooch me on the cheek, and then you were gonna go dip into that gnar hummus, and I didn’t want you to hurt yourself, so I jumped on that grenade for you.
Justin: If you…
Travis: I think that’s the answer to the question of when are little lies ok - for their own protection.
Griffin: Um-hmm.
Justin: No I…
Griffin: But then he’s gonna start thinking you’re some sort of fucking superhero, cause you’re like: Baby that… that hummus had hair! Like, you ate it and you’re totally fine, he’s gonna think you’re fucking Rasputin or something.
Justin: What if you guys were ever locked in a prison of rotten food, he’s gonna be like - well, no worries, that’s your mana, you love that. I know that’s your jam - is the rotten food and rotten man
Travis: Otherwise you’ve just been lying to me all these years, and I can’t believe that because you love me so much.
Justin: Don’t lie to him, go straight to his face and say: Hey Doug if you cared so much about wasting food then you should have eaten that hummus before it got so rowdy.
Griffin: Uh-hmm.
Justin: Like, you owe it to me to not have rotten food in our house, just eat it all next time before the date. Just don’t lie to him, this is 101, you’re trying to save him from eating rotten food. If he’s so…
Travis: Yeah I feel like this is the moment for education more than anything else.
Justin: Yeah right, not deception. Educate, don’t…
Griffin: But if he’s a grown-ass man he’s had plenty of time to break this habit and he hasn’t. Some dudes are big dumb animals when it comes to this kind of stuff, and it sounds like your husband is one of those kinds of people, and that’s fine… maybe you just gotta let him get like really raunchy ’rhea. Let him like eat all of the totally rowdy hummus, let him eat that meatloaf that you guys made six months ago, let him eat that wheel of cheese that looks like the fucking Necronomicon, like let him eat all of that shit and then when he gets totally blasted down there…
Travis: When he almost dies from it, and claws his way back from the edge of death, just look at him and say: Hmm, looks like we’ve learned a little something here haven’t we?
Justin: Leave the lid off the trash can and when he gets home just say: Ok Doug, I put rotten food in our trash. If you love it so much then you go over there and you eat that trash food.
Travis: You pull it out of the trash and you eat it!
Justin: Pull it out of the trash like an animal and you eat it, otherwise…
Travis: Get over there raccoon Doug, go to town.
Justin: Otherwise go to Kroger and buy some new hummus.
Travis: Here’s two dollars, go buy some fucking hummus Doug.
Justin: Two dollars, now go replace the eggs. I threw them away, they smelled like bacon.
Travis: They were hatching.
Justin: They were hatching and I hate… and I don’t want chicks in the house.
Travis: Uhh.
Griffin: Umm.
Justin: Draw a line in the sand somewhere.
Travis: Man the whole food thing was ruined for me by taking food handling courses and watching like the Danger Zone videos.
Griffin: Oh my god everything is the Dan… unless your shit is like cryogenically vacuum sealed…
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: …it’s in the goddamn [singing] Danger Zone.
Travis: It’s if it’s not above a hundred and twenty, or below thirty degrees, it’s bad for you.
Griffin: Right.
Travis: It’ll kill you.
Griffin: And then at last, that Best By date is pretty liberal. Your food, once you take it into the Danger Zone, you can’t take it back out again. You set off a timer, and that timer is like fifteen minutes.
Travis: And it was always like: Oh, the food didn’t touch the counter did it? Oh no Danger Zone. Throw it away.
Griffin: Yeah, because chicken - raw chicken touched that counter once twelve years ago, and that’s like…
Travis: It was a night like this…
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: …over twelve years ago.
Griffin: So that counter’s done. Gotta get new counters.
Justin: I had an odd experience with expiration dates this week. My lady, my wife, was craving some chocolate so I said: Hold on, I got a secret… I got a secret bag of Lindor truffles that I keep for just such an occasion. So I go get the bag of Lindor Truffles and she like pops one in and starts eating in, then she gets this weird look on her face, and she picks up the bag and examine it. Apparently the Best By date was in 2010…
Travis: Oh no…
Justin: …so you know that weird, like, when the chocolate get white and you’re like…
Travis: Uh-huh
Justin: …oh man I don’t know what this is all about. So we go and we throw the whole bag out. Uh, today I see something has gotten into the trash and scattered around our trash can is like fifteen individual Lindor truffle wrappers.
Travis: You’re saying outside of your house, not like Sydnee snuck down in the middle of the night…
Justin: No no no!
Travis: …and ate the truffles.
Justin: There was some raccoon sitting outside my house last night or something, individually opening Lindor truffles
Griffin: Oh I shouldn’t… but I will. Yum yum yummy.
Travis: Oh it’s gonna go straight to my hips. Oh… treat myself.
Griffin: Oh Michael, you ring-tailed kook.
Justin: You bastard, those don’t taste good. Trust me I’m a human, I know. Griffin, did we get any Yahoos this week?
Griffin: [chuckling] We got several. I just wanna… just luxuriate in this mental picture of a raccoon sitting sort of Cheshire Cat style with his legs crossed, like: Oh hello…
Justin: I mean can they open… they must be right? They’re opening wrappers.
Griffin: They have skills.
Travis: He probably does the thing where he like puts it in his teeth and holds one end…
Griffin: Oh yeah.
Travis: …and like pulls it out.
Justin: Oh yeah yeah yeah. It’s a definitely two raccoon operation. No kiddin’
Travis: Bob get over here. I need you to help me crack this.
Griffin: This just became twice as adorable.
Justin: They opened up my trash can lid and left it all around and when Sydnee and I went out this morning the first words out of my fucking stupid mouth were: You think we… you think it’s a bear? [Travis laughs] Yeah. It’s a bear! It’s a bear that takes the lid off your trash can and individually opens chocolates.
Travis: [high pitched voice] Mmmm. What have we got in here? Wooooo! Bub bub boo I’m a bear!
Justin: Yeah, it’s Baloo. Baloo the bear.

Question #2 (14:58) Y Edit

Does Ryan Gosling party?

So I guess this is kind of a complicated question because there are a lot of different angles here. Like does he like to party and is down for whatever? Or does he just… does he just do something like smoke weed/cocaine or maybe just smoke weed when he’s tired. Please only answer if you really know.

Justin: [gasps] Oh my god.
Travis: First response from Ryan Gosling.
Justin: Yeah, I’m down for whatever.
Travis: Yes.
Griffin: Hey girl…
Justin: Let me get those digits.
Griffin: I’m high right now.
Travis: Why do you ask?
Griffin: Umm…
Justin: I umm, I have to imagine that Mr Gosling can party. He probably parties.
Travis: I think he has the capacity to party, whether he chooses to or not is the question.
Griffin: I bet he’s really straight edge actually now that I think about it. He was in that movie…
Justin: He’s gotta stay fit.
Griffin: He was in Half Nelson, and he was… played a drug addict teacher, and I think you saw that and I bet he was, like when he got into the role and he got out of it he was like: I can’t… I can’t mess with that shit any more. You know?
Justin: It’s beneath me.
Griffin: Yeah. I bet he goes to parties, like parties that are way below him on the social level just to,like, bring them up a notch, you know? And I bet he just stays for like ten minutes, doesn’t drink, total straight edge.
Justin: Apparently…
Travis: Wouldn’t it… think of this baller moves right. Ryan Gosling walks into like your fuckin’ high school graduation party where you’ve all stolen beer from your dad’s liquor cabinet or whatever, and Ryan Gosling just walks in and everybody goes: Oh my god is that Ryan Gosling? And he just looks around and goes: Oh I can’t believe you guys are drinking, it’s totally not cool, and then he leaves.
Griffin: Straight edge for life.
Travis: And then he leaves.
Griffin: After that.
Travis: Anyway, what are we doing?
Justin: I, uh, I’ve recently learned - by recently I mean the last minute and a half - I don’t think party means what it did when I was younger. In my day, if somebody said ‘a party’ the only requirements were a) somebody turned up the Jock Jams CD really loud and b) the invitation said ‘Til question mark’. Those are the two things for a party, I don’t think that that was what this person is talking about.
Griffin: Now once you turn the Jock Jams up really loud.
Justin: Crank ‘em. I mean crank those Jock Jams.
Griffin: Once you crank the jocks, like, what’s the next step there? Cause I’m envisioning you at a party that you’re hosting, you put in the Jock Jams CD. Which volume?
Justin: Uh, Jock Jams Volume 4 - the one that, uh, has the We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions mashup.
Griffin: Oh, slamma jamma ding dong.
Travis: I imagine that the next step, Griffin, is to open the front door and wait for people to arrive.
Griffin: Yeah. And nobody does.
Justin: It’s basically like every party you had before alcohol, where you have twenty kids in a basement, Jock Jams going…
Griffin: Jock Jams going, fuckin’ eating shitty pizza.
Justin: Bowlful of Doritos.
Griffin: Playing computer games
Justin: Everybody looks at each other and says: I thought this was supposed to be fun. I don’t get it. I’ve seen my parent doing this for years, how are they making it so enjoyable? I don’t understand. Let’s leave at ten. Umm…
Travis: So wait - what does partying mean now?
Justin: I think it’s like doing drugs!
Griffin: It’s like drugs and…
Justin: And dancing.
Travis: That’s not partying, that’s falling asleep.
Griffin: No, no, no.
Justin: No man.
Griffin: Travvy.
Justin: You are old. I am old
Griffin: It's like fun drugs, it's like party drugs, and then you do ‘em and then like sometimes you rub up against someone…
Justin: Mm-hmm.
Griffin: It’s… I don’t fully comprehend it either but I’ve watched a lot of Party of Five.
Travis: What kind of fun drugs?
Griffin: Uh, you know like uppers and downers and perkys and zannos and xanny bars.
Travis: I would say just by meaning of the word I don’t think downers are fun drugs.
Griffin: Uh, you take them with uppers and then you’re just kinda normal.
Travis: Ok.
Justin: It’s not a good way to spend your money kids.
Griffin: Shroomers, dippers, uh, acid leaves, uh, sweet dust, uh, lady fingers
Justin: [laughing] That’s not a real one.
Griffin: Power powder, uh…
Justin: Gummi vitamins.
Griffin: Uh-huh. Special lemonade.
Justin: Regular lemonade.
Griffin: Uh… [laughs]
Travis: Rain pop dipped in cocaine.
Griffin: Uh, needles, uh, baggies, dimers, uh, and that’s all the drugs there are.
Justin: Big twenty five aitchums.
Travis: Aitchums.
Justin: I had a fun experience with Ryan Gosling this week. I was playing the uh - this is a brief diversion into video games but I promise it’s worth it - uh I was playing the beta of the new dungeon crawler Torchlight 2, and, uh, you can only play that online so I went into some stranger’s, uh, I had to pick some stranger’s game to join so I myself could play by myself, uh, and the game I joined was hosted by Ryan Gosling, was this gentle…
Griffin: I don’t think…
Justin: …it was this gentleman’s username was ‘Ryan Gosling’ so I said: Ok that looks like as good a game to join as any. So Ryan Gosling joins and he finds me, he tracks me down in his game world and introduces himself as Ryan Gosling, and I say: Ok, uh, hello. Pleasure. Uh, and then he and I proceeded to adventure around for a while and after every… we fought a large enemy he would always compare it to a scene in a movie he had…
Griffin: No…
Justin: …been in. And it’s literally like we would beat like a large giant boss and he would say: God, look at this place, this reminds me of after I stomped on that guy’s face in Drive. [laughs]
Travis: Now Justin, I’m sure you’ve already thought about this, but [deliberately] is… it… possible that that was Ryan Gosling?
Justin: The only thing…
Griffin: It was definitely Ryan Gosling.
Justin: I mean it was definitely Ryan Gosling, the only thing that hurt his credibility a little bit was that he introduced me to his ferret named Zac Efron. [laughs] And it occurred to me then that if he could name a ferret Zac Efron then maybe somebody else could name a character Ryan Gosling that wasn’t Ryan Gosling.
Griffin: Mm-hm.
Justin: So that’s what what kinda ruined the illusion for me.
Griffin: I bet that’s what Ryan Gosling does with his time, is he just plays online dungeon crawler role-playing games, and just like eats sannies and does needles.
Justin: [laughing] Drinks special lemonade.
Griffin: Mm-hm.
Travis: Hits the aitchums real hard.
Griffin: Mm-hm.

Question #3 (21:38) Edit

My friends and I are planning to go to a [accented] karaoké bar in the near future. I want to participate and avoid being that guy who sits in the back refusing to have any fun. There’s a girl I like who’s coming as well, so I wanted to know what song would be best to - and this is in quotes - “sing” [laughing] I have a higher voice, similar but not nearly as good as Jason Mraz if that helps. [Everyone laughs] That’s from Thunderwaffle.

Travis: Ok, first up, never compare yourself to Jason Mraz ever again.
Justin: Second you gotta get a new karaoke name, I don’t think Thunderwaffle is gonna take you, that’s step one that I can tell you, uh, get a karaoke, uh, nom de…
Travis: Moniker
Justin: …nom de… nom de mike.
Travis: Justin what was your karaoke name?
Justin: My karaoke name has been for the past decade, and is still, Plen T Pak.
Travis: And Griffin what was yours?
Griffin: Uh, Jeff Pepsi.
Travis: And mine was Encyclopedia Brown.
Justin: You gotta get a handle for your… for your, uh, for your performing… performance. Cause that allows you some distance, it lets you… when I inhabit the character of Plen T Pak, then I know it’s a role that I’m playing, I’m more in touch with the music. Man as far as song choice…
Griffin: I can help you out there.
Travis: Yeah. What you don’t wanna do is go for what you think is the funny choice, right?, because you’ve got those guys who get up and do I Would Do Anything For Love, but they can’t sing and it’s a really hard song to do.
Justin: Yeah, I…
Griffin: There a lot of… there’s a lot of wrong things you can do when you’re picking a karaoke song, like you can pick a song that you think is gonna be funny, you can the song that you really like and oh man that’s just gonna be the worst for you. Like, I did, uh, Birdhouse In Your Soul at a karaoke place one, I was like: Oh that’s like the best song that’s ever been written by anyone. Not a good karaoke song.
Justin: No. The best karaoke choice I think, is the song that you would claim to like ironically but you actually deep deep down like it. It’s gonna seem like an ironic pick, like you’re picking it as a goof, but it actually is pretty kick-ass. Here’s an example, umm, Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Car
Travis: Oh that’s a good one.
Justin: That’s a good one where, like, that seems like a funny choice but man you get that four on the floor everybody’s into it. Everyone’s partying with you.
Travis: You know what my jam is, All Night Long by Lionel Ritchie.
Griffin: That’s a good one.
Justin: Yeah, see that’s a good jam. I like that. Oh man we’re just giving Rocky Horror all the bait he can handle for Mixtape 3.
Griffin: Literally any Michael McDonald.
Justin: Michael McDonald is a great…
Griffin: Any Mike McDonald is a [inaudible singing] Like it’s gonna sound good no matter what.
Travis: And it’s also important - don’t pick anything that’s a bummer. Like, I know that that;s pretty obvious but you get those people that get up there and they are performing for themselves and they’re ignoring the fact it’s like a bar full of people and suddenly the whole evening drops down to like a candlelit sadness party.
Justin: They decide everybody hurts, and they’re gonna inflict it on you.
Griffin: With the song Everybody Hurts.
Justin: Exactly. I would caution you - pick a song that you know the words for, cold. Like you have to know every word to it, you do not… you cannot rely on the screen, cause it might fritz out, you might get distracted, the words might be…
Griffin: It might have the wrong words on it.
Justin: Yeah that’s… I’ve experienced that.
Travis: And you also don’t wanna be like glued to the screen the whole time, you wanna be able to like kind of like do it, and in this world of smartphones that connect to YouTube there’s no reason not to like put in your song and then hop on YouTube and refresh the words in your head, so like you know the song before you get up there. Cause I also guarantee that the first like ten songs you’re gonna pick in your head have one moment in them that has a string of notes you can’t hit.
Griffin: Mm-hm…
Travis: You know what I mean? That’s the thing, you gotta look at the song as a whole, and not be like: Ok, I really know the chorus and I can do that.
Justin: And don’t be afraid to just, like, stop singing and say: Is everybody having a good time tonight? [Griffin laughs]
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: Cause that usually works.
Griffin: And have a, like a pocket full of candy like Jolly Ranchers that you can just like throw into the audience.
Justin: And if you can get one guy to stand behind you and pretend to play an inflatable sax, I think that really ratchets up the level of the performance.
Travis: And then find the appropriate moment to take your shirt off.
Griffin: Mm-hmm.
Travis: And I find that the audience just loves it.
Griffin: And then pull out your erect penis and just like hit it against the microphone a few times.
Justin: Yeah, that’s how you win at karaoke. [accented] Karaoke´. The ancient art of embarrassing yourself.
Travis: That’s the other thing, I’m really glad that you realise the fact that you don’t wanna be the guy that doesn’t participate, cause that’s one of the most frustrating things for me, when people go to karaoke and they’re, like, I dunno I don’t really do it. I’m like: Do you see those people up there, like, noone’s up there winning American Idol, like that’s not what this is.
Griffin: It’s tantamount to sitting at the end of the pool, uh like, while everybody else swims at the pool party. Like, nobody’s gonna remember if you get up there and do a shitty job. Everybody’s gonna remember if you don’t do it.
Justin: Yeah, right.
Travis: In fact I like people that get up and do shitty jobs more, because at least they don’t fucking care, at least they’re just doing it to participate. I love that.
Justin: And read the crowd too, because sometimes you might just wanna punish ‘em.
Travis: Yeah!
Justin: Sometimes you might just wanna make ‘em pay for some of the songs you’ve been subjected to. You gotta remember it’s not about you even though everybody does sing karaoke because they like attention, um, the only way you’re gonna get it is if you’re wanting the party to start, you want people…
Griffin: I think that’s unfair, that’s an unfair assumption to make about everybody Justin, cause when I… like when I… when I sing karaoke it’s because I wanna give, like, I wanna give my gift.
Justin: Sure. Right.
Griffin: It’s like going to share my gift to… with the world. You know?
Justin: Right.
Travis: Uh-huh.
Justin: Your self absorption has gotten to such a terminal case of it that…
Travis: You have to give it away.
Justin: You have to give it away.
Griffin: I know they want it.
Justin: Your viral… your viral load.
Griffin: I know they want it, I got it to give. Goin’a get it.
Justin: You have such a viral load of self-confidence that one compliment sends it spreading pandemic-like, to every surrounding country.
Griffin: Yeah, I just blow it.
Justin: You know what makes my heart want to sing?
Travis: No.
Justin: Money.
Travis: Uhh. Beautiful.
Justin: Let’s go to the money zone.

Money Zone (28:10) Edit

Justin: Griffin.
Griffin: Yeah?
Justin: Have I told you about the Aldas project?
Griffin: You haven't told me anything about anything.
Justin: [laughs] I’ve taught you… that's not true, I've taught you so much.
Griffin: You taught me about the project… you told me about this one time you were talking about hunting down the entire family of Alan Alda.
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: Is that what you're referring to?
Justin: No, that isn’t The Aldas Project, uh, it's close. The Aldas Project is three hundred sixty six drawings for good, it's a year long project by artist named Christie Motoreli. It's two-fold - one it's a personal challenge to create three hundred sixty six original drawings in as many days and she also is raising money for three of her favorite non-profits. Eight Twenty Six International, The Sharkey Foundation…
Griffin: It's just Eight Twenty Six National, they don't give a fuck about other countries.
Justin: Eight Twenty Six National, The [unsure]Sharkey Foundation - I'm taking a shot in the dark pronunciation-wise…
Griffin: [emphasising] Showerake!
Justin: Showerake! Foundation And the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society.
Griffin: Said all those words right.
Justin: They look out for sea sheep, of course. Each original drawing can be sold for one hundred dollars, with twenty five going to the buyer’s choice of the three charities and there are no additional fees of any kind including shipping, well that sounds awesome.
Travis: That is awesome.
Griffin: That's going to bring in a big buy… three hundred sixty six drawings a day that's one drawing every day for the year.
Justin: Yeah, I see one…
Travis: Where can people go to learn more about it, Juice?
Justin: It's, uhh, it’s The. Aldas. Project. dot com, you know The A L D A S Project dot com to learn more and buy one of these paintings and I would suggest you do because they look really cool. One looks like a bunch of bacon held up by sticks, so I love it. I love this bacon.
Griffin: Bacon, like a bacon fort?
Justin: I never get art, and finally someone made a bacon fort and I’m there. I’m in it. I’m into it.
Travis: You’re in the bacon fort?
Justin: I'm living in the bacon fort.
Griffin: Sometimes when I put my penis in a cage, I refer to the cage as a bacon fort.
Travis: Ok.
Justin: Wait a minute. Your penis in a cage. Where do you find penis cages at this time of year?
Griffin: Well I used to try to make them, I’m not gonna lie… [Travis laughs] …but that's very difficult. It's hard to do - welding , blacksmithing, I just leave it to the trained professional experts at Extreme Restraints
Justin: ExtremeRestraints.com?
Griffin: Mm-hm.
Justin: You know what? I've been thinking I should go there, because my butt plug doesn't stretch my anus in a way that's pleasurable to me anymore.
Griffin: Yeah, your gauge is just too…
Travis: At this point you’ve already done all the stretching you’re gonna do.
Griffin: Your gauge is too high now, you gotta keep upgrading.
Justin: I have to keep upgrading to get that pleasurable spread that I enjoy. The main problem I had when I went to ExtremeRestraints.com is that everything seemed to be twenty percent out of my price range.
Travis: Oh, I'm so glad you brought that up Justin, because I can offer you and our listeners a deal that, for this week and any time that we mention Extreme Restraints on the show, we can give you a twenty percent off coupon code it's just ‘Middlest’. You know, M I D D L E S T, Middlest and you get twenty percent off and, even on the weeks when we don't talk about Extreme Restraints, if you use the coupon code ‘middlest’, you still get ten percent off your entire order.
Griffin: It's a great coupon and listen, your sex life is boring, whether you know it or not. Unless you have already bought you know, electrodes and lube and … a gloryhole? Is that a thing?
Travis: I don’t know if you can buy a glory hole.
Griffin: Well listen it's a…
Travis: I think you just find one in nature.
Justin: Listen. You’re gay now. That's going to take up a lot… you’re federally gay. You’re gonna need a whole new flotilla of sex toys.
Griffin: I don't… I guess?
Justin: Yeah definitely. You can’t use your old stuff.
Griffin: I guess you don't really have a… I don't know the utility of a pocket vagina.
Justin: Right.
Travis: What do you mean - the utility?
Griffin: We got a lot of complaints last week cos I said pocket and then the P word that people use sometime to describe a vagina.
Justin: But I think that's like the clinical name right?
Travis: That is the name of the product.
Griffin: Well, not going to say it anymore cos it's… not that it's dirty or wrong, but that…
Justin: It’s beautiful.
Griffin: Apparently I have like a child's intonation, and it just hit people the wrong way.
Justin: It upsets people.
Travis: When you say it, it’s grating to their ears.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Uh, you know what’s not…
Travis: But do yourselves a favor and go check it out and it might surprise you even if, you know, you wouldn't consider it to be your kind of thing - I think would surprise you the kind of things they have there.
Griffin: What's the URL again?
Travis: It's ExtremeRestraints.com and make sure to use the coupon code ‘middlest’ to get twenty percent off your order.
Griffin: Don't go to ExtremeRestraints.gov [Everyone laughs]
Justin: They make you go to Guantanamo, it's terrible, it's a terrible website. You know what's not terrible though.
Griffin: What’s that?
Justin: Video games.
Griffin: Love ‘em.
Justin: Travis, have you heard of any cool ones?
Travis: I have. There's a new project from the guys at Mob Rules Games, and working on Haun
Travis: The Manse Macabre, and we talked about it last week and since then you guys been doing so good donating to their Kickstarter. Basically they're looking for twenty five thousand dollars to help finish their game so they can get it released by October, and it's you know a turn-based, you know, adventure game and the art style is like Edward Gorey, Edgar Allen Poe-ish, it's awesome. And it's just, you know, an open source independent gaming thing - it's amazing. And the guys there are super cool, super great, go check out their Kickstarter.
Griffin: What is the Kickstarter at right now?
Travis: Right now, I think…
Justin: It is … seven thousand eight hundred seventy six dollars.
Griffin: Ok. Not bad. We got to pick up the pace though.
Justin: Yeah, we gotta step it up.
Travis: Yeah, so they’re almost at, like, one third. There's some time left to donate so it's not too late. And make sure if you do donate - make sure in the comments you tell them that MBMBAM sent you know, because in that way they know that we… that they have us to thank, you know, that it's all on us because we're awesome.
Justin: I always get to this point where I want to charge… I want a highest level of pledge where they have to name the game after me.
Travis: How how high do you think that… I think if you gave all twenty five thousand dollars you could probably make that happen.
Justin: Yeah I don't want it to be Haunts, I want it to be Justin McElroy’s Haunts.
Travis: But Justin McElroy Presents…
Griffin: Maybe not so much like a turn-based adventure horror game, but like a platformer starring you.
Justin: Yeah right.
Griffin: And you’ve gotta collect all the candy.
Travis: It's just called: It’s Justin!
Justin: Justin: The Game.
Griffin: The Skittles adventure.
Justin: Where is my MBMBAM iOS game? Why is noone developing that? C’mon!
Travis: Good question.
Griffin: You just invented it… just now.
Justin: Somebody Kickstart it, or something. That's at MobRulesGames.com, right?
Travis: And the donations on that Kickstarter start as low as five dollars, and for five dollars you get a copy of the game when it's done - it's a great deal.
Justin: Yeah, and that's that's the low end. If you kick it up to like twenty five bucks you can get your name in the credits. Is your name in the credits of anything else? No it's not.
Travis: No. You haven't accomplished anything. This is your chance to accomplish something with your life.
Justin: This is your big chance to make…
Griffin: Fuck up!
Justin: Fuck up! So go on you fuck up. Go to MobRulesGames.com and see a link to the Kickstarter and just click it and fund it already. God!
Griffin: Yeah, you failure.
Travis: Make your parents proud of you for the first time ever.
Justin: For the first time in history.
Griffin: Piece of shit.
Justin: You’re such a disappointment.
Griffin: [singing and playing guitar]

Somebody once told me your art is kind of old and boring, You got to get some new art. Your art’s got a shelf life of about 24 hours, So you better replace that art with new art.

You can go to TheAldasProject.com and buy a drawing every single day. That’s TheAldasProject.com. Send some money her way.

Question #4 (37:10) Edit

I just finished my junior year of college. My spring semester would have been satisfactory - As and Bs, were it not for a miserable D. Getting a D is depressing. At least your spelling is on point. For many reasons I have never gotten below a C in a class and now I have to break the news to my parents who are generously paying for my college education. How do I tell my parents and how do I bounce back from this academic misstep? And that's from a dumb person. That's my… it says quote “That's my new name for myself.”

Griffin: Alright, stop right there. That's what you gotta stop doing first of all. Everybody gets Ds from time to time I got a D in home economics in middle school.
Travis: I got a D in earthquakes and volcanoes.
Griffin: Yeah, cos you know why? Because I don't give a shit about… we had to make nachos and I did a bad job. Hey there’s a D. That's not …
Travis: You made bad nachos?
Griffin: I'm not an idiot. I just made it… I made a fucking nachos mistake.
Travis: You know I disagree Griffin, I think if you can't nail down nachos.
Griffin: It was my first time taking a stab at nachos. So like sorry we can't all be like fucking nachos geniuses.
Justin: Like Nacho Libre.
Griffin: Nachos idiot savants. Like it takes some time to ramp up to nachos. Anyway, you fucked up but guess what? You’re not a dummy.
Justin: Right.
Griffin: Cos you got… you get good grades all the time. If you got bad grades all the time then you'd probably be a dummy. Hear that bad grade people?[Everybody laughs]
Travis: Can I… let me throw this out. Maybe don't tell your parents?
Justin: They got got to, they're going to send a report card.
Travis: They don't send report cards in college fool.
Griffin: Pretty sure they don't do that.
Justin: Uh, they did. Yeah they would… they do. They'll send a note, if you're failing, for sure.
Travis: But they’re not failing… he got a D!
Justin: Yeah, maybe you're cool. Just go to your parents and say - hey…
Griffin: Fucked up my nachos. Don't worry about it. I'm an adult now.
Justin: Look at my brother Kevin, you guys messed that one up - he's a jerk. I hate his guts. I'm… so what I got bad geometry.
Travis: Hey, let’s not make this about Kevin alright?
Justin: You're right. Everything's always about Kevin.
Travis: At my school, when I was in college, in my major there was some rule like if you got below a C in a majors course you had to take it over, which always frustrated me as to why they even offered grades below a C if that was the case. Why not just fail the person.
Griffin: It should just be A B. C and then Nope!
Travis: And then do it again.
Griffin: Yeah
Travis: But like if you're talking a Gen Ed. course and like you got like a D in chemistry… great, you’re never going to use that in your Philosophy degree.
Justin: Yeah sorry guys I use like one fifth of the things I learned in college.
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: And most of it was like how to roll a doobie.
Travis: Just how to do some aitchums.
Griffin: I was at… I was at Starbucks the other day and I got a, you know, Venti Drip, and they’re like that's three sixty two and I had a five dollar bill in my wallet and I gave them the five dollar bill and they used their register to figure out the exact change and then they gave it back to me. No math involved.
Justin: Right, math free.
Griffin: All I needed to know was my coffee preferences.
Travis: One further, in college I had to take up Botany class.
Griffin: Cool.
Travis: Like in what way am I using that now?
Griffin: That would actually be handy.
Justin: That would be handy I'd like to be able to identify some of the plant life around me.
Travis: You know what I could do now, I could be like that's a tree versus a bush, and that over there… that’s a flower.
Griffin: That's the… those are your three metrics depending on the size of the arbor.
Justin: Right.
Travis: That one’s pretty big, I’m almost certain that's a tree.
Griffin: Gonna go with tree. Oh that’s a house? Fuck.
Travis: Shit.
Justin: Dammit. It was big though.
Travis: I didn’t take Housery in college.
Justin: It was big and it had green on it.
Travis: There's no such thing as a permanent record and your D doesn't matter for shit. You never go into a job interview and they’ll be like - Well you're totally qualified and looks like you have excellent references… [intake of breath] … oh looks like you got a D in Home Economics because you made bad nachos. We're going to have to just… we're gonna pass.
Justin: To what point… to what age in your guy's life did you did you operate under the assumption that somewhere there was a manila folder with your name written on it that just… they transferred from school to school following you around for your entire life.
Travis: I gave up on that junior year because I went into the office and I needed something from like a high school AP course and they couldn't find that information, and I was like - you sons of bitches.
Justin: You don't know me.
Travis: You don't know shit. You don’t know who I am.
Justin: You're not tracking anything I do.
Travis: So since then I've left no paper trail.
Griffin: You’re gonna feel…
Justin: [laughing] Off the grid
Travis: I’m off the grid, I’ve been so careful until this show and that’s how the mafia found me. Coming out this summer - the Travis McElroy story.
Justin: It's boring.
Travis: It’s real bad. It's about how I owed thirty dollars to the college library and they wouldn't send me my diploma.
Griffin: That's true. It seriously doesn't matter, and like there's a reverse side of this for if you bust your ass getting like straight A’s… like I worked really hard in college and I graduated cum load and like I'm… [Everyone laughs] Like to this day, do you know how many, like, bennies that's gotten me? Post-grad? Zilch, zippo.
Justin: Zilch.
Travis: As long as you come away with the knowledge, doesn't matter how well you test on it as long as you pass the class and know your shit - that's all that matters.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: You know what I mean?
Justin: There's a reason why, in the hit Tim McGraw song Live Like You’re Dyin’ he doesn't say skydive and rocky mountain climb and study my algebra until I did real good at it.
Griffin: And then there's that verse where he’s like [singing] I burned up all my books except for my Bible today. [Everyone laughs] [More singing]Jesus take the wheel.
Travis: That’s a good karaoke song.
Griffin: [singing] Take all of my books.
Justin: [singing] I can’t read the road signs Jesus. [Everyone laughs] [More singing] Didn’t learn.
Griffin: [singing] Teach me how to add.
Justin: [singing] Jesus balance my cheque book, adding and subtracting escapes me.
Travis: [singing] I don't know how much to tip Jesus.
Griffin: [singing] I still don’t know what taxis are. [everyone laughs] Guys, this Yahoo Answer is sent in by Kristin McMur… shit. Kristen McMurtry Thank you. Kristin. Maybe work on that last name. It's by Yahoo Answers user Maria who asks:

Question #5 (43:25) Y Edit

How loud is prom music? How to prevent ears from damage.

This may sound weird but I hate loud music and I am scared of it damaging my ears. I have prom next week and I don't want to be the weird one with big ear protectors on ha ha ha ha ha. I have never been to a prom before so I was…

Travis: [laughs] Wait, what?
Griffin: I have never been to a prom before so I was just wondering if they play the music really loud, and if so how to protect my ears.
Justin: Ok, I have known… madam, I have known you for all of one question. The ship has sailed on being the weird one. Like, you… that has passed you by.
Griffin: I… have you guys ever listen to T-Pain or T.I. or I-Pain at like a reasonable level of volume.
Travis: Like a smooth jazz undercurrent level.
Griffin: Yeah like a quiet car radio. You know, taking a bubble bath with your iPhone speakers, like, that level of sound?
Justin: No, you can’t.
Griffin: It's nigh unlistenable.
Justin: Your ears actually cannot detect it.
Griffin: Mm-hm. It’s like a dog whistle.
Travis: And I guarantee that if I went there now I’d think the music was really loud, because I am old.
Justin: Oh yeah, really really old.
Griffin: What if what if you did just wear big headphones and you were listening to your own music and dancing to that.
Justin: Oh that’s good!
Travis: You just put Call Me Maybe on repeat, and just go to town.
Griffin: Oh that sounds like my dream world. Fuck.
Travis: I know right. Sooo good.
Justin: Pop in your Skull Candy and just listen away, let the…
Travis: Let Carly Rae Jepsen just take you off to dreamtown. I'm going with you Carly Rae Jepsen, fly me to the moon.
Griffin: Can you be the person at the prom who goes up to the DJ and is like: Hey, can you… can you maybe turn it down just a little bit
Travis: Or maybe play like some Chicago, something, like, just a little easier.
Griffin: It's not an unreasonable fear. Your ears are like tiny little rings with like a thin layer of saran wrap and if that saran wrap breaks - guess what? You're deaf. You can’t hear any more.
Travis: I don’t think that’s how that works.
Justin: I'm a little more worried about the pregnancy, like, there's so many more dangers at prom to be concerned about.
Travis: You're worried about ear babies.
Griffin: Mm-hm.
Justin: No no. Despite what our Nonny told us growing up, rock music doesn't make your ears pregnant. What I’m worried about…
Travis: Ohhh.
Justin: Yeah I know what I'm worried about is the under-age sex.
Griffin: Yeah
Travis: There's sex at prom?
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Not that… like in the build… is that where it's happening?
Griffin: I mean the grinding was pretty hot and heavy in two thousand and… fuck when did I graduate? Two thousand five. Sorry everyone I'm a baby. Like, I can only imagine how things have escalated cos they've escalated in literally every other way and if the grinding was like super super gnar when I was… when I was eighteen, like, now that I’m twenty five I bet you it's… I bet you people are just like getting their dicks dirty right there on the floor!
Travis: And side note, this is a weird transition, but I Can Only Imagine is another good karaoke song… [Justin laughs hystericaly]
Griffin: Where did that come from?
Justin: [laughing] You are literally the worst person. Like, of all people you are the worst.
Griffin: [singing] I can only imagine… how to read. [Everyone laughs] [More singing] I can only imagine… where Mexico is.
Justin: I can only imagine… how many branches of the government there are. [Everyone laughs] Uh, jokes on you there’s only one, it’s Jesus. He's got the wheel.
Griffin: He’s my judge.
Justin: He's used to have before Barack Hussein Obama yanked it out of his hands and started steering his own ship.
Griffin: He's my Supreme Court Justice, Majority Whip and President and Commander in Chief, and my King forever. This Yahoo was sent in by Leana which was sent to her by her friend Keith. So thank you both people in this arrangement.
Justin: For these secondhand Yahoos.
Griffin: Many Bothans died to bring us this Yahoo, so let's really enjoy it. It is asked by Yahoo Answers user Geof who asks:

Question #6 (48:58) Y Edit

Is it OK to draw on a dog with magic marker?

Sometimes when my stepdad Ron grounds me, I’ll write messages… I’ll write messages on my dog, he is white, with washable marker and send him downstairs. Just little messages like if I need food or about how much I hate my stepdad Ron. My mom said it will make the dog sick, is she right?

Travis: [Everyone laughs] So many more problems, but the best stepdad name ever is Ron.
Griffin: Got some dog mail for you Ron. Fuck off! [Everyone laughs]
Travis: I hate you Ron, I hate you so much.
Griffin: C’m’ere Mr Perkins. What's it? Oh man… that really hurts my self-esteem.
Travis: I’m trying so hard.
Griffin: That hurts my Ron esteem. I don’t like that one bit. [Everyone laughs]
Justin: Can you give me the question one more time Griffin?
Griffin: [laughing] Is it OK to draw on a dog with magic marker? Sometimes when my stepdad Ron grounds me I’ll write messages on my dog, he is white, with Magic Marker. Just little messages like if I need food or about how much I hate my step dad Ron. I’m imagining like a Yorkshire Terrier, like bounding down the stairs, running up to Ron and it’s like a message on him, like: Hey Ron I smell that chili, what the fuck! You're such a bastard. I'm super hungry.
Justin: I’ve got a message for you Ron - I’m a dog.
Travis: And also the person asking this question is thirty two.
Griffin: Yeah. God damn you Ron.
Justin: [laughing] Now listen to me sparky. I want you to go downstairs, I want you to find Ron, and I want you to just wiggle in front of him - you gotta make sure he reads this, it's important.
Griffin: I've been trapped under this bookcase for two weeks. I gotta get some pasta up here. So hungry. Also tell Ron - fuck you Ron!
Justin: If Ron wants to rescue me, tell him to fuck clean off. I hate Ron. Tell him to send my mom, and ask if my mom is back with my fruit rollups yet? I sent her to the store twenty minutes ago for fruit rollups.
Griffin: Oh Mr Perkins you look kinda sick. What happened? Oh, is it the markers?
Travis: Jesus.
Justin: Seeping into your skin.
Griffin: It’s you or me Mr Perkins. Maybe you learn how to talk English. Stupid dog.
Justin: Poor Ron. What a fuckin’ sick burn, he's just trying to watch Extreme Home Makeover and just all of a sudden the dog tries to…
Travis: It looks like a drawing of like a knife stabbed, and it just says… and arrows, it says Ron…
Justin: This is you Ron. This is what I wanna do to you. Look at the dog.
Travis: Oh Jesus.
Griffin: It says ‘I love you Ron’ on my dog. Oh he rolled over, it says ‘No I don't’. And it says ‘Fuck you Ron’ again on it. And it's says ‘Chili?’
Travis: With an arrow towards the dog's penis.
Griffin: Mm-hm.
Justin: Uh, Tyler I thought you were going to come pick me up from work. Did you not read the dog? I said fuck you and fuck your job! I'm not coming to pick you up.
Travis: And also that we were out of eggs.
Justin: And also we’re out of eggs, did you tell Mom?
Travis: I wrote it on the dog Ron, what else do you want me to do?
Justin: What else do you want me to do? I can't… I can't force the dog to stand in front of you all day. Please just read the dog.
Travis: You used all the paper for your stupid novel Ron.
Justin: Yeah, how’s that going Ron? Didya get it publish… you find a publisher yet? I’m… I’m…
Travis: In this economy Ron, you might as well self-publish you stupid shit. Put in on Kindle.
Griffin: Can we…
Justin: I've got a… I've got a Tumblr dog, where I just put messages. Why can't you get a Tumblr dog?
Griffin: Can we make it a new law, sort of like in Game of Thrones when if you're a bastard your name is Snow. Can we make it that when, the second you become a stepdad your name becomes, just becomes Ron, by law.
Justin: Legally. Legally speaking.
Travis: I now pronounce you wife and Ron.
Justin: [laughing] It's not even… it's not even your name, so much as it is like… like Earl is like an honorary title but his name’s not Earl, you're officially like the Don of this house.
Griffin: You’re Don Ron.
Travis: But the Ron.
Justin: You’re the Ron. You’re the Ron…
Travis: You’re the Ron Don.
Justin: You're the Ron Don of this… [breathless laughter]
Griffin: Fuck you Ron.
Justin: I am … I am Ron…
Travis: Ron you can fucking eat a dick.
Justin: I am Ron Don Johnson and as long as you're living underneath my roof…
Travis: I am Don Ron Don Johnson.
Justin: I am Don Ron Don Johnson, as long as you're living underneath my roof you will not melt down my Miami Vice VHS tapes, those are collectors items.
Travis: And you will respect my friend Cheech Marin
Justin: He will let… you be nice to Cheech…
Griffin: And my friend Don Ron Don Cheadle.
Justin: And you'll stop sending your stupid ass Tumblr dog down with messages about how you preferred the earlier seasons of Nash Bridges. I'm done with you. Stop it with the Tumblr dog, we’ve had enough. Your mom and I are very much in love.
Travis: Listen, she's not going back with your dad.
Justin: Do you think at some point you have to start using the dog to repair the relationship, like just a note that says ‘Ron, I wish we could be closer.’
Travis: Ron, I think we should talk.
Griffin: Ron, my mom seems sad lately. When was the last time you treated her out to a night on the tag? [confused] Night on the tag? I'm so hungry. Please send the dog.
Justin: [laughing] Ron! Please send the dog for snacks.
Griffin: Hate you Ron! hashtag hungry.

Housekeeping (53:24) Edit

Justin: So this has been our dumb show My Brother My brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. Thank you tso much everybody for tweeting about the show. Thanks to our by Fred Wood and Iggy K, Joshua Lee Cos, Iron Shaun, Dilbob… uhh… Scudworth, Honicut1, Cali Draws, Wikitupes, Ironsides, SS Kinto, Officer Nature everybody. Just use that MBMBAM hashtag and hey if you think about it this week maybe tweet out a link to our sampler, it's bit.ly/itsmbmbam.
Travis: And thanks to the Aldas project for sponsoring the show and thanks again to Extreme Restraints where… don’t forget to to use the Middlest coupon code to get twenty percent off and thanks to Mob Rules games, make sure you check them out and if you would like a message on our show whether it's like for somebody for a birthday or if you've got a project or something you want to sponsor or have us talk about then just go to maximumfun.org/Jumbotron.
Griffin: I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song It's A Departure off the album Putting The Days To Bed. Thank you… guys… gang.
Justin: Thanks gang. And if you want to send in a problem, something that you're struggling with and you need our help - anything from relationships to etiquette. It's MBMBAM@MaximumFun.org. So send us a note and and let us help you. Don't… don't rely on the Tumblr dog for everything, just send us an email or something, and we’ll help you out.
Griffin: Like a literal email through… through web channels.
Justin: Yeah, not through a dog.
Griffin: I swear to god if you… if someone sends me a dead dog with stuff written on it.
Travis: If I get one more dog in a box.
Griffin: I know. This final Yahoo was also sent in by Emily Wall, thank you Emily, it’s by Yahoo Answers user Sandy who asks:

Question #7 (55:22) FY Edit

Why do black men love eating chips at the beach. Is it to be energized for us ladies before they take a dip?

Justin: [Everyone laughs] My name is Justin McElroy.
Travis: I’m Travis McElroy.
Griffin: I’m Griffin McElroy.
Justin: This has been My Brother My Brother and Me. Kiss your dad square on the lips.

Post-Outro (XX:XX) Edit

Griffin: Do black men love eating potato chips at the beach so they can have the chips before the dips in the water while covering our faces with lovely kisses?
Justin: [laughing] Stop. Please.

References & Links Edit

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