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Transcript Edit

Introduction Edit

Justin: Uh, welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the “modren” era, I’m your oldest brother Justin McElroy—
Travis: I’m your middlest brother Travis McElroy.
Griffin: I’m your babiest baby Griffin McElroy.
Justin: “Hollywood” Travis McElroy checking in, he’s left the—the—the—the soft lights of the small city behind, and he is moving on up, hit the road, packed his family in the Matrix and—and headed up Route 66 to find fame and fortune. Travis, how is your quest for fame and fortune going?
Travis: Well, I’m right around the corner from Los Angeles in Norman, Oklahoma, uh—
Justin: [Laughing] Just nineteen short hours away!
Griffin: You think you might just—you think you might just stop there? Maybe?
Travis: Well, you’d be amazed, like all the stars are out here, like everybody, like you know they all film in Hollywood, but they all live in Norman, they just commute in.
Griffin: Right.
Travis: So I’m thinking about doing that, staying here, doing all of the—you know, donuts that Norman has to offer. A lot of donuts, it’s a big donut town. [Justin laughs]
Travis: And I—but I knew that from going to school here, so that came as no surprise to me. Um, we’ve already—we’ve been here about 2 hours now and we’ve had 16 donuts.
Griffin: Travis, I wanna hear about the hobnobbing…
Travis: Well, we ate the donuts with David Duchovny.
Griffin: Oh great!
Justin: Whoa!
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: I love his show, Oklahomacation, and it’s a show about how he’s a sex addict living in Oklahoma—Norman, Oklahoma— [Justin laughs]
Travis: And he fucks donuts.
Griffin: And he fucks donuts… oh, so many great donut nude scenes—
Travis: And lots of jokes about glazing.
Griffin: So many—So many donut nude debuts.
Justin: Maybe uh… Oklahomerotic? Would that be uh—is there a thing there?
Griffin: I don’t under—Travis I wanna… seriously. How. Are you? I know you’re on that chase, you’re on that paper chase–
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: You’re on that paper chase, and I would imagine, you lay that grind down before you even get there, have you even planted the proper seeds in Los Angeles, so when you roll up they’re like “he’s arrived!”
Travis: I’ve already auditioned for 16 pilots.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: I was afraid you’d miss pilot season.
Travis: No, I-- I um. Auditioned for all of them, I got six of them, three of them have gotten picked up. [Justin laughs] Yeah, so pretty good stuff.
Justin: At least two of them would have to be NCISes, right?
Travis: That is correct, one of them is NCIS: Norman. [Justin and Griffin laugh]
Travis: And one is actually—
Justin: Somebody stole this man’s donut, and he was a sailor or something?
Travis: And one of them is actually NCIS: Cincinnati, so I’ve actually got to move back to Cincinnati for a while.
Griffin: Well.
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: That’s how they get ya.
Justin: Do you know that—Do you know that Bakula is in an NCIS now, too?
Griffin: Fuck yeah he is!
Travis: Yeah, I’m real proud of him.
Griffin: [Over the top Cajun accent] Nyuh-NYAWLins, babeh!
Travis: He’s in NCIS: Titties!
Griffin: [Laughing] What?
Justin: [Laughing] What?
Travis: NCIS: Titties! It’s all about Bourbon Street, Mardi Gras, so—and throwing beads, and boobies!
Griffin: I don’t think that—
Travis: Somebody threw these beads through this woman!
Griffin: [Laughing] I don’t think the show is called NCIS: Titties!
Travis: [Laughing] I’m almost certain it is!
Griffin: I don’t think—
Justin: Somebody threw this beads through this woman, oh boy. [Travis laughs]
Griffin: Oh, come on—that’s not. You are fucking limiting Scott Bakula’s scope to just the one work, his one opus. Do you have any idea—any idea how hurtful that is for him? That you just—you see Bakula, and you think “Quantum Leap?” He’s done so much other—
Travis: He wants to be remembered for Enterprise, and nothing else.
Justin: Much like the nerds of the world, I pretend Enterprise doesn’t exist, so—
Griffin: Sure.
Justin: Once you take that off the list, what else ya got for Bakula?
Travis: I bet he’s been in a—in other stuff. I’m not willing to look it up, I don’t want to know that, but—
Griffin: He’s—he’s been in my wife’s every erotic dream, which is— [Travis laughs] Which is really too bad for me.
Justin: I’ve been inside him, when he becomes gigantic.
Travis: Well, everyone knows that.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Is he in American Beauty?
Travis: Yeah!
Griffin: He is an American beauty...
Justin: I thought I remembered that…
Travis: He’s an American treasure.
Griffin: Travis, I wish you the best and I hope that—I hope that you get famous—
Justin: [Yelling excitedly] Chuck’s dad on Chuck! Chuck’s dad on Chuck! Chuck’s dad on Chuck!
Griffin: Oh, there it is.
Justin: That’s the other one, I knew there was—
Travis: So, if you’re listening to this on Monday, uh, we will be travelling through Albuquerque, New Mexico so make sure to wave to us. If you’re listening to this on, let’s see, Tuesday, we will be driving through Flagstaff, if you’re listening to this on Wednesday, I will be losing all my money in Las Vegas, and if you’re listening to this on Thursday, we will be in Los Angeles if all goes well.
Griffin: And you will be there for… two weeks.
Travis: Uh huh, and then move back to Norman for NCIS: Norman.
Griffin: Yeah. I love—I love your life! I love your life!
Travis: It’s pretty great! Uh, it’s me and Paul F. Tompkins, it’s like a buddy comedy thing—
Griffin: Uh huh.
Travis: He’s got a dark secret and I can’t stop eating donuts.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: By season two, I’ve put on seventy-five pounds.
Griffin: Right, but not—
Travis: Aw fuck, spoilers! Spoilers!
Griffin: Not for the show.
Travis: No.
Griffin: That’s just a real-life manifestation of—
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: Of your choices.
Travis: Correct.
Griffin: Your bad choices.
Justin: Um, well, Travis I wish you all the best, and I hope you stay safe out there on the road, but you don’t get a vacation from helping. That’s the thing about help—being a real, true helper.
Travis: No, I signed that deal with the devil to get that NCIS: Norman and it means I must help all the time. [Griffin laughs]
Justin: Uh so—
Travis: I have to save 99 souls in order to save my own.
Griffin: Right.
Justin: Oh my God, was that a fucking uh—what uh—what was that pirate?
Travis: Was it Black Jack? Black—
Justin: Black Jack Pirate Guy, right?
Griffin: I think it was Touched by an Angel.
Justin: The Hundred Lives of Black Jack Savage what’s up?
Travis: Ahhh!
Justin: Oh my God, Travis just did a hun—that has to be like—no question, no question—

Question #1 (07:50) Edit

In August I moved into a new apartment, one that comes with an assigned parking space.” Hang in there folks, this is kind of a lengthy one, but Travis assures us it’s worth it. “I didn’t have a car the first two months I lived here, and people frequently parked in my open space. It was inconvenient when I had guests over, but otherwise I didn’t mind. I recently bought a car, and would like to park it in my space, but other people are constantly parking there. I don’t work regular hours, so I often come home around midnight to find that my spot has been taken for the night, forcing me to park on the street like an animal. I resorted to leaving simple notes, things like ‘Hello, please don’t park here, this is my assigned space. Brad, apartment 16. If there’s any confusion, please contact the landlord,’ but I haven’t had much success. I’m pretty introverted, so I haven’t met many neighbors, and have no idea whose car is whose. How do I keep these Godless bastards from taking what is right fully mine? Help me, brothers!

Justin: That’s from “Space Invaded,” in Houston. There are sixteen apartments, and each uh—apartment gets one parking space. The spots are assigned, so each person gets the same spot every day. The spots are not labelled. Oh, see that—
Griffin: If Jeff—If Jeff parks to the left of Mary—
Travis: Uh huh, right.
Griffin: And Mary can’t park next to Steve—
Travis: Who parks Steve’s car six inches higher than Todd’s.
Griffin: Who parks in spot D, Justin? Solve. Go. Show your work.
Justin: Brad. Always Brad. He’s the one payin’ the rent, that’s Brad’s spot!
Griffin: That’s Brad’s—D for Brad.
Travis: This is a mind-blowing thing to me.
Justin: In what—In what—which part, Trav?
Travis: Because if I’m one of the other fifteen tenants, I guess I’m just the type of person that always thinks like, “If I were to park in a spot that’s not mine, I’m going to get in trouble.”
Griffin: It’s not the—It’s not the tenants though, is it? It’s the—It’s the fuckin’ uh—wastoids that they invite over to crash on they couch!
Justin: Right.
Travis: Oh, so when he says “not labelled” he means it doesn’t even say like one, two, three, four—it’s just an empty spot.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Because if you don’t—
Travis: Well that’s the fucking problem. That’s a—the building is doing this badly.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Yeah. He—here’s what you need to do, Brad. You need to invest in uh—in signage.
Travis: Mm.
Justin: You need to go get a dowel rod from Michael’s—don’t go to Hobby Lobby, fuck those guy—
Griffin: [emphatic] Fuck those creeps!
Travis: Fuck Hobby Lobby—
Justin: [yelling] Fuck those guys! So you’re gonna get uh uh no, but there’s some fine people working there I’m sure, but anyway. Fuck them, go to Michael’s and get a dowel rod—
Griffin: Fuck them for real and everyone who works there, fuck them for real.
Travis: Or go to Jo-Ann’s, I like Jo-Ann’s.
Justin: You know what? I love Jo-Ann’s too, uh—
Griffin: I love Jo’Ann’s Fabrics, but I think I prefer Michaels?
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: But FUCK Hobby Lobby though, more like—
Travis: Yeah, fuck Hobby Lobby.
Griffin: More like—More like… knobby lobby—
Justin: The sweet thing about Michael’s, as everybody knows, is the one in Huntingon is in the old Children’s Palace, so it looks like a castle.
Travis: Now, people who don’t know what a Children’s Palace is, it is exactly what it sounds like.
Justin: [Justin’s awful chair squeaking] Anyway, uh—uh. Before Toys ‘R’ Us pushed ‘em out of the market, Children’s Palace was the place—Anyway. So get a sign, you’re gonna get a dowel rod, and you’re gonna get some uh—let’s say Luan, I think that’s the way to go here—
Griffin: Ooh!
Travis: Yeah!
Justin: And you’re gonna paint it green, and you’re gonna get white paint to write on the green paint that just says, like, “BRAD’S SHIT. FUCK OFF. APARTMENT 16. SUCK MY DICK!” And so it’s gonna be— [Griffin laughs uproariously] It’s gonna be a big sign is the one thing to know about it that, is that it’s big—
Travis: Yeah, it’s like a 4x8 sheet of Luan.
Justin: That’s a 4x8 sheet of Luan that you’re gonna wanna stick up and again, that says “BRAD’S SHIT. FUCK OFF. APARTMENT 16, SUCK MY DICK.” And that way—uh right now they’re in complete ignorance, “I dunno, it’s just a spot.” And you know what? It’s kinda fair!
Travis: Yeah!
Justin: Because like, it’s not label—I’m sorry, if parking spots aren’t labelled, that—that’s a tough one!
Griffin: I got a better solution.
Justin: Hit me.
Griffin: I say you just shout some Chicago law!
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: Some NCIS: Chicago law and – starring Don Johnson—
Travis: Uh huh.
Griffin: And get some folding chairs, throw them shits—throw them shits in the space!
Travis: And you just live there now?
Griffin: No! You don’t sit on the folding chairs, you just block off the space with them! That’s what you do in Chi-town, baby, you scoop out a spot in those cold snowy winter months, and people are gonna be like “Oh, thanks for scoopin’ out a spot for me, Mr. Stranger, I’m just gonna go ahead and take that, take—reap the benefits of your hard work—nah, you put some chairs in the spot and that is, uh that’s literally something everyone does.
Travis: Griffin not to—not to question this practice, but what stops someone from just moving the chairs and parking there?
Griffin: It’s—
Justin: It—if you discover that, you put the chairs through their car.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: No, the chairs are always here, so now they’re in your car too—
Travis: Oh ok.
Justin: So now they’re—
Griffin: Chicago law, baby! Don Johnson’ll come and eat your car, eat it—unhinge his jaw, swallow the car whole!
Travis: Fuck, Chicago law is weird.
Griffin: Chicago law, baby, eat it like a big ol’ deep-dish pizza-pie!
Travis: Nom nom nom nom nom!
Justin: [Laughing] Okay! Da Bears?
Griffin: Um. So, that’ll work. Or you could just get some chalk. And write—
Travis: Brad’s Space!
Griffin: On the—on the actual—
Travis: No Girls Allowed!
Griffin: On the floor of it, just write “This is Brad’s shit, fuck off”—
Justin: Uh here—here’s—I know that you are—I know that you are an introverted person and you don’t want to have this fight with everybody, I think that that’s fine, I think that you are going to be fighting a losing battle trying to get everyone on the fuckin’ planet to not park in this spot. Because right now? It—you thought it was bad before? It was just mislabeled? Now it’s forbidden fruit.
Griffin: Mm hmm.
Travis: Yep.
Griffin: Now they know you want it. And now it’s like the most delectable spot! Everybody’s always lookin’ for that secret spot—I think everybody has had, at one point in their life, that spot that maybe isn’t a spot, and doesn’t—you keep parking in it and it seems to be paying off? In my neck of the woods, it was like the parking that was connected to Clammy Café—
Griffin: Oh!
Justin: But it was really for Undercuts?
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: But like, Undercuts closed? So it’s like “I don’t know, maybe I can get in here. I think I can work this out.” Uh, anyhoo. You gotta call your landlord! And uh, this is their problem to fix! You are guaranteed a spot—a parking spot as part of your rent.
Travis: Yeah, like this is why you pay rent to a landlord, so they can fix shit like this.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Now here’s the thing Brad—
Griffin: Uh-oh!
Travis: If you do this, if you call in, and, you know, mommy or daddy landlord, you will be a tattle-tale!
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Because your landlord is gonna post something, or go around too everybody’s doors.
Griffin: [high pitched voice] Will you guys stop parking in Brad’s spot? He’s a delicate boy! [Justin laughs]
Travis: Yeah, I mean like at worst, at worst, he mentions by name like, “you’re parking in number 16’s spot” but you’ve been leaving notes, so they’ll know it was you.
Griffin: Yeah. [high pitched voice] He’s got weak legs! It hurts him to walk—
Travis: I—
Griffin: He’s my sweet boy!
Travis: I say you do it. Because it sounds like you’re already like, not… hob-nobbin’ with these people? You’re not rubbin’ elbows with your other fifteen uh—passengers on this thing that we call life? So I say… you just do it.
Griffin: Um. Can we read a Yahoo?
Justin: Abso… lutely.
Griffin: I love this Yahoo, this Yahoo was sent in by—Yahoo’s great. It was sent in by Brian Mann. Thank you Brian. It’s by Yahoo answers user—
Justin: It’s pretty hyped!
Griffin: Right it’s, uh, I mean it’s a doozer. Call the Fraggles up, we got ourselves a doozer! [Justin laughs] It was asked by Yahoo Answers user James, who asks—
Justin: Hold on, lemme get a quick episode count on Fraggle Rock
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: Just to see if we’re uh— [Travis laughs]
Griffin: Uh.
Justin: [Laughing] I think we’re well within the uh… number of uh, I mean more than one season. If it completed—Okay, five seasons of Fraggle Rock
Griffin: Yeah, no that lasted… a while.

Question #2 (15:02) Y Edit

Interview at McDonalds, should I eat there before? So, I’ve got an interview at McDonalds and I have been craving a Big Mac for a while. Will it look good or bad if I buy one, right before I have my interview? Or right after?

Travis: [Justin laughs] I—I think you’re missing the obvious, and it’s during.
Griffin: Well, you don’t—
Travis: “Yeah, you keep askin’ questions, I’m gonna get in on this Big Mac!”
Griffin: You purchase it, and then you take it into the interview is what you’re saying—is what you’re suggesting.
Travis: Yeah, and then you do like—
Justin: In your pocket.
Travis: Like a “…do you mind?” Omnomnomnomnom!
Griffin: Um.
Travis: Or right after, I think right after sends a very good signal, where you’re like, “Well, I think this went well. So well, in fact, I gotta get those two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame-seed bun, thank you very much.”
Justin: And it’ll say—I think it will be the first of many—
Travis: That you will give me for free, for working here
Justin: You get—
Griffin: It’s actually—
Justin: You get free food working at McDonalds? You think you get free—
Travis: You have to!
Justin: You have to, right?
Travis: You get the left-over burgers and fries at the end of the night.
Griffin: The left-over burgers? They make them to order, Travey…
Travis: Yeah, they like throw them in a grocery bag.
Griffin: But they make them to order, artisanally!
Travis: Oh sure. Sure they do Griffin. Thanks for buyin’ into the hype.
Griffin: I just think if you wanna—if you want to be a company man. Or woman. You—you do buy one. But that’s the thing, I think you buy one beforehand, and you make the person who’s going to interview you watch you… eat it. To show what a good good burger boy you are.
Travis: And watch you enjoy it.
Griffin: Mm. Oh yeah! Dripped on my shirt, I don’t care!
Travis: Ooh.
Griffin: “Uh, can’t help but notice you got a little bit of dribble on your shirt there.” “Yeah, there’s a good reason for that. Your burgers are fucking delicious.”
Justin: Can you—uh. Buy two Big Macs beforehand, set ‘em at a table, and then like. Once your manager arrives—like the manager arrives, you lead him to that table like “Oh look, look what we have here, isn’t this convenient?”
Travis: Just slide it.
Justin: “What have we found?” And then see if he’ll eat it? Because I’ve always been curious. [Laughing]
Travis: Will they now?
Griffin: Can you roll up with a Big Mac and then hold it in front of the person who’s interviewing you, and just tear it in half? [Travis laughs] Like “RAWR! NO! I killed one. One down, right guys? I’ll fucking kill every Big Mac in this place.”
Justin: [Laughing] What if—Okay. Okay. Don’t have a Big Mac during your interview. You want to prove something? Eat like a record number of Big Macs. Have him join you at a table with like twenty Big Macs and try to set a Big Mac-eating world record as you conduct the interview.
Travis: See now Justin, I thought you were going to say “sit down with a bag open it up, pull out a Whopper”—
Griffin: That’s what I meant to say but I said Big Mac the whole time! Burger King does the Whoppers, right?
Travis: Yes. Yes.
Griffin: I fucked that whole thing up.
Travis: Oh you thought it was a Whopper?
Griffin: I fucked that whole sentence up, when I was talking about going to Burger King and you get a Whopper and you bring it back and you tear it in half in front of everybody, to say “I’ve sacrificed one, this is the sacrifice McDonalds demanded.” [Justin laughs] I don’t eat a lot of fast food you guys, I eat mostly ancient grains.
Travis: Let me throw—
Justin: [Laughing] I think—I think something that would make a pretty good impression if you’re interviewing to be like a uh—uh a fry cook at McDonalds? Is tell them how they should do things differently—
Travis: Oh!
Justin: I think you should tell them like, how you would swipe the burgers differently, or some—
Griffin: [clapping, laughing] Bring—
Travis: No, I would throw in some black bean burgers, like—
Griffin: Bring in a big, like gallon bag of like, your special spices? That you brought from home.
Justin: [Laughing] This is what you—this is your current product, right? The Big Mac.
Griffin: Fuckin—
Justin: Classic!
Griffin: Fuckin pull an avocado out of your pocket—
Travis: I want you to taste this burger, I just bought this from the line. Now I want you to try this burger I made. You like that—
Griffin: [Laughing] We already—
Travis: It did take me two and a half hours to make, so it might slow down production—
Griffin: [Laughing] We are just describing the plot of Goodburger! [Travis and Justin laugh] We just wrote Goodburger! [Travis laughs more] If you put three brothers in front of typewriters, for all of eternity, one of them will eventually write Goodburger. That’s the law of large numbers!
Travis: Oh, Jesus.
Griffin: Oh man.
Justin: “You got a Big Mac?” “Yeah.” “You know what this Big Mac smells like? My grandpa. Because my grandpa could have invented the Big Mac. Fuck the Big Mac, we’re getting rid of the clown, we’re getting rid of the arches. Think about it. I got a new day—burritos. [Whispers] McDonald’s Burritos—
Travis: I’ll be waiting by the phone—
Griffin: We’re—
Justin: I’ll be in my bunk.
Griffin: We’re joking, but there has to be some psychopath like that working—towards the top of the McDonald’s ladder, who’s just like “Mm, guys I got it, bratwurst!”
Travis: Pizza!
Griffin: “Bratwurst? Are you sure?”
Travis: Fajitas?
Griffin: “Mmm, pizza, we gotta do pizza!” “It’s going to be bad! If we try it, it’s not going to be good.” “I know, let’s just do it.”
Justin: This is how—McDonald’s Pizza is how I know time travel won’t be invented in my lifetime, because I know Future-Justin would have scored me one already. He would have already popped in and appeared. Wait. What if I write this exact date down, somewhere where I’ll never forget it and this exact moment? And… remember to bring myself back a McDonald’s—
Griffin: Write it down, get out a pad and paper and do it right now and then bury it in the yard!
Justin: Well no, I gotta keep it on me at all times.
Travis: Would you tell him to bring me some of the McDonald’s fajitas too?
Justin: Like the letter that Sally Sparrow gets in Blink?
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Like that, but just for like… a McDonald’s Pizza.
Griffin: You might need—
Justin: Oh and I’ll pass it down through the generations! Oh shit! Oh shit! It’ll be like a family heirloom! And we’ll pass it down, until time travel is invented, for this EXACT MOMENT.
Travis: Mm-hmm.
Justin: “McPizza! 10:50!”
Griffin: Don’t blink, because you’ll miss Justin eating—
Justin: Don’t blink
Griffin: You’ll miss Justin eating it.
Justin: You’ll miss me scarfing it. [Travis laughs, Justin sighs] Oh, I miss McDonald’s pizza. McPizza, if you will.
Griffin: I mean this sounds like the kind of plan you’re going to follow through with, so… let’s make it right now. What is it, 10:50 AM, Sunday September 28th, 2014—
Justin: Yep, yep.
Griffin: And just like, let’s… I guess take a moment of silence and let us know if—
Justin: We’re talking about… as far down as my generational line will go—maybe we get whacked… maybe we don’t make it very far. That’s a possibility—
Griffin: Oh, wow!
Justin: Uh, well, I’m hoping that they’ll disseminate enough, they’ll photocopy it off with each passing generation—
Griffin: Alright.
Justin: Brothers, sisters, whatever… throughout time, extending to the future infinitely, right? So each person will get a note that says “Bring Justin uh, uh—McPizza at 10:50 AM on a Sunday,” So! If time travel—I’m actually gonna make it 10:51 now, to build a little suspense—if time travel is ever EVER going to be a thing, the time traveler of the future will appear… I need the clock open… three two… PBBBBFFTH!
Griffin: [shouting, laughing] WHOA-HO-HO!
Justin: What the fuck?!
Justin: (as Justin-8) Heeeeey, Juuuustin?
Justin: Yeah! Yeah that’s me, I’m Justin—
Justin-8: My name… is Justin-8! [Griffin laughs uproariously]
Justin: Justin…8? You… [Laughing] You look so old, but you look like me!
Justin-8: Yes, this is—I’m the eighth of your line… of clones!
Justin: What year do you come from?
Justin-8: That’s not important, I can’t reveal that information to you. But I do have one question…
Justin: You’re so old, you sound like Paul Bearer! [Travis laughs]
Justin-8: Are you ready to get… zesty?
Justin: I am! I am definitely ready for that!
Justin-8: Well, good news! [Justin making futuristic opening noises with his mouth] I put it in a fresh—

Question #3 (24:19) Edit

Is there a difference between boxer, boxer brief, and brief guys? I’m biased against briefs, but only because I usually find men’s upper thighs pretty unsexy. Then again, I don’t know what it’s like to have junk around there. Maybe the security is totally worth it, and I should be attracted to this person’s pragmatism, while averting my eyes from their blindingly white legs. Give me insight, brothers! Do a man’s undies say anything about him to begin with?

Justin: This is from “Befuddled By Briefs In Brooklyn.”
Travis: Um, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I am not completely clear on what the difference between boxers and boxer briefs, I mean what—
Griffin: You dummy!
Travis: What makes something boxers, but not boxer briefs?
Griffin: Boxers are looser flowing and they got the elastic band up top and—
Travis: Uh huh.
Griffin: The hole in the front for your dick to come out of—
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: I mean boxers—boxers are the laziest underwear that you can wear because it’s like—
Travis: But see, so they’re like… between underpants and trunks, right?
Griffin: They’re basically trunks that you wear under your pants.
Justin: Like, this isn’t complex, briefs are briefs, boxers are boxers, boxer-briefs are halfway between the two. Like a pair of briefs that didn’t know where to stop!
Travis: I mean but like… you say that, like when you say boxers, it’s like okay I have a clear picture in my mind. I think I’ve always been a boxer briefs dude so I can’t even remember what boxers are like!
Justin: Boxers are like boxer briefs but like kinda loose and flowy and they kinda tend to do a little bit of riding up sometimes.
Travis: Gotcha.
Griffin: They get wet. I always have like—just a lot of water in there.
Travis: I think you’re still thinking of trunks.
Griffin: Nothin—
Travis: Griffin are you wear swim trunks as underpants?
Griffin: No, I just—I just produce the juice!
Travis: You produce water.
Griffin: I just. Yeah.
Travis: Okay. I think that briefs have gotten a bad rap.
Justin: You think?
Travis: And I’ll tell you why—
Justin: Okay, quick survey, what does everybody here wear?
Travis: Boxer briefs.
Griffin: I was actually can—I don’t want—I don’t want to sound like a corporate shill, but I have actually been swayed over to boxer briefs by MeUndies.
Travis: Yep.
Justin: Me too, more on that later.
Travis: That’s just… comfortable shit. But I think that the—the briefs being called “tighty whities?”
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: They might as well have just been called—
Griffin: Man-diapers.
Travis: Yeah!
Griffin: This is my man-diaper—
Travis: How do you say “tighty whities” in just like a sexy… effective way?
Justin: It is just the appearance of the tighty whities that for some reason, women have infinite styles and fashions to choose from, and guys like…
Griffin: Do you wanna wear a baby diaper or lazy pants? What do you want?
Justin: It’s like a thin diaper, or bad shorts! [Griffin laughs] That’s all we have!
Griffin: Or! Awesome, awesome boxer briefs from MeUndies.
Travis: Where’s the man-gerie?
Griffin: Yeah! That’s what—well, you made me get you –motherfucking mangerie on your goddamn wedding day—
Justin: Where is man-gerie?
Travis: Yeah. But even that! That was just like… smoother, silkier boxer briefs.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: There wasn’t anything like “fun” and “kicky” about them—
Griffin: But they had like a porthole. For viewing. For maximum viewing angles.
Travis: That is true.
Justin: I think that someone wearing briefs—the only thing I would say is that I think that someone wearing briefs is either… A.) proud of their body or… B.) Ain’t got shit to lose.
Griffin: Yeah, I—
Justin: They just don’t care about what kind of silhouette they’re cutting or… they look fresh. They look dynamite. Nothing can detract from their silhouette.
Travis: I think when it comes to this, it’s like anything else. You clearly have a preference. You know what I mean?
Justin: Uh, on this front? I used to.
Travis: No, I’m saying the question asker, the question ask—
Justin: Oh, the question asker. Not me.
Travis: The question asker—yeah they see the like, boxer briefs, or the boxers, and doesn’t like briefs. That’s cool! I get that! I don’t know that there’s a comparison for me with ladies, there’s never a time where I’m like “Oh, she was wearing—
Griffin: [shouting] MMMMIIII LIKE THOOOOOOOOONGS!
Travis: Get out. Get out.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: Get Out.
Griffin: Sorry. Just like—you know, like butt city. You know what I mean?
Travis: Uh huh?
Justin: Mm, butt city. You guys ever see NCIS: Butt City? [Justin and Griffin Laugh]
Travis: Uh huh.
Justin: Howie Mandel’s best work.
Travis: But the crimes got a little repetitive…
Griffin: Another butt crime, huh? Yeah. This is…
Travis: Ripped in half, uh—
Griffin: This murder was uh uh—a little… cheeky… YEAAAAAAAAHHHH! [Justin laughs]
Travis: I know it’s none of my business, but I’m just gonna have to… butt in…
Justin: YEEEEEAH!
Griffin: This guy was—
Justin: If I didn’t know better, I’d guess that this thug was… on crack.
Griffin: Yeeeah! [Travis laughs] What a—hey, what an asshole. [Travis and Justin laugh] Hey, what a shitty murder. [Griffin laughs] I think your theory—
Justin: Check out the corpse. Looks like somebody… cut his butt off. [Travis laughs]
Griffin: [Laughing] I think your theory is a little… fart-fetched
Justin: [Laughing Uproariously] Stupid Id—
Griffin: Dumb show. Dumb show! Not this podcast, NCIS: Butt City[Justin laughs]
Travis: It ran for six seasons!
Griffin: Seasons?
Travis: It had more seasons than Fraggles!
Griffin: It made it to fucking syndication!
Justin: It’s unbelievable [Laughing]
Travis: But did you see their hundredth episode special? It was… touching.
Griffin: The Howie Mandel’s… had his—he he was the victim of butt crime—
Travis: Mm-hmm.
Griffin: I think he was—I think he was—
Justin: It was the one episode where they had this special message at the end like, “Listen. Street butt implants are a real issue that are plaguing today’s youth.”
Travis: Mm-hmm.
Justin: “We joke about it a lot on the show, but this is a real problem. If you or someone you know is considering getting illegal butt implants from the street, please cock to your doctor.”
Griffin: Cock to your doctor? [Money Zone Intro starts playing]
Justin: Let’s go to the Money Zone!

Money Zone (31:05) Edit

Justin: This is not a joke. MeUndies changed my life!
Griffin: I didn’t know… that they had the potential to change my life… Because here’s—here’s what I knew: The website has a lot of great pictures of butts. It’s basically Butt City 2. NCIS: Butt City 2. And It’s awesome. It’s an awesome website to look at. I knew that… when you go to MeUndies, you’re going to get some great-fitting, great-looking underwear. I knew that about other people, right? And then we got MeUndies—
Travis: Uh huh.
Griffin: And what I didn’t know—
Travis: It all changed.
Griffin: It made my… butt... and my penis… look rad. [Justin laughs] I love the way my butt and my penis looks in these—in these boxer shorts. I fucking love it. They look so good!
Justin: I—I uh—literally hesitated on putting on shorts for the day—I work out of the house, so fuck it—I I uh hesitated putting on shorts because I was so enjoying the feeling of just being in these MeUndies. It felt like I was being cradled.
Travis: And let me say this: they are my preferred underpants for driving!
Griffin: Oh!
Travis: For travelling long distances, because they’re so comfortable, and keep my junk so like… climate controlled…
Griffin: It’s like your—your business is in stasis.
Travis: Everything’s in—it’s like okay, let’s shut that down for 12 hours while you drive. Okay! Time to, you know, wake up your genitals!
Justin: Wake up your genitals.
Travis: We made it, we’re at Mars, genitals! [Justin laughs] Time to populate Mars!
Griffin: The mission to save mankind can begin! [Griffin and Travis laugh] Oh no, the rest of the crew is dead because they weren’t wearing MeUndies, they were wearing some fucking Target-brand Mossimo, baggy-saggy, damp, shitty underwear. [Justin laughs]
Travis: And all their genitals are rotten!
Griffin: All their genitals are dead and gone! There’s an alien on that ship!
Justin: Look at Travis over here, look at Travis’ genitals, they’re ready for pilot season, but [unintelligible].
Travis: But now I’ve got lonely genitals, because everyone else on Mars’ genitals are dead!
Griffin: Mm.
Travis: Oh, so go to MeUndies—go to MeUndies.com/MyBrother and you’ll get 20% off your first order and –I guarantee you will love your MeUndies.
Griffin: They—they make a fucking good product! They crushed it!
Travis: You know, sometimes you see on—eh—and never with anything we have—have that I know of— [Justin clears his throat] But it’s like, you see “oh, these are online, you get ‘em for cheap” and you’re like, well, yeah. But they’re probably like, cut-rate, and once I get ‘em I’ll hate ‘em and I can’t send them back because it’s not worth it. Nah, man. These are like awesome. These are probably the greatest underpants I’ve ever owned, and I will order more. Thanks.
Justin: MeUndies.com/MyBrother, 20% off, and free shipping in the US and Canada right now. Trust us, trust us on this one. And listen, we got a Facebook group, let’s get some photos up there, guys!
Griffin: [indistinct/crosstalk]
Travis: And you get—
Griffin: Don’t do that.
Travis: You get couples matching underpants!
Griffin: Exactly! We’ve talked about our like—
Justin: Print.
Griffin: We talked about our penis like a whole bunch but it’s like uh—
Travis: It’ll make your vagina look great too—
Griffin: I bet it will.
Justin: They sent me a pair of black and white striped ones and Sydnee said it looked like my butt escaped from prison. [Griffin laughs]
Travis: Which… why wouldn’t it? Butt crimes!
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: What was it’s crime? No one knows… looking too good? Maybe! Uh, I also want to tell you all about Prosper. If you need a lot of money in 72 hours… let’s say you needed $35,000 in 72 hours—
Griffin: Fuuuuuck!
Justin: They’re the perfect—
Travis: Okay let’s come up with different options.
Justin: What?
Travis: How would you get $35,000 in 72 hours?
Justin: You uh—
Griffin: I would let people line up and pay me ten dollars to look at my butt and penis in MeUndies.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: And then I would—I would need to do that 35 times… Wait.
Justin: Hold on.
Griffin: 350 times.
Justin: I think your dignity would run out before the lines would, honestly.
Griffin: Mm.
Justin: I would just sell uh. Everything.
Travis: See, I would just go on Prosper.
Griffin: Ahhh, fuck. You win!
Justin: Oh, right. That’s a good idea Travis, what’s Prosper?
Travis: Well, Prosper is a peer-to-peer lending service so think like, you would go to a bank? But rather than a bunch of like nameless, faceless people that you never know and that are handling your money and they’re take—this is people on the site, other people just like you, saying “Okay, great. That sounds like a sound investment, I’m gonna be part of the group that loans you the money,” and when you make your payments back, that money goes back to them. Um, so you can either be one of the lenders, you can be one of the lendees, um… go on Prosper.com and check it out. It’s a really brilliant idea, cut the banks out, you’ll never have to set foot in a bank, there’s no raising interest fees, there’s no outrageous fees at all, and if you go to Prosper.com/MyBrother you can check your rate instantly and it won’t affect your credit store. Right now, they’re offering MBMBaM listeners are $50 prepaid visa card whenever you get a loan, so that’s already just like… fifty dollars on top of the loan you already get. So that’s a special site, just for us, just for listeners, Prosper.com/MyBrother, uh—
Griffin: And don’t try and fuckin’ game the system by saying “I need a one dollar loan” so you can get that good, good Visa hookup—
Travis: See the brilliant thing is, no one’s going to invest in that, you’re cutting—
Justin: They’ll see right through that—
Travis: You’re cutting out the middle-man.
Griffin: Yeah, that’s a good point.
Travis: So go on the—
Justin: What’s the address again, Trav?
Travis: It’s Prosper.com/MyBrother, check your rate instantly—just go and check, maybe you’ve been, you know… wanting to start a project, or make a big move, like Theresa and I are, or maybe you just want to buy a house or do some home improvement or something, but you don’t know where to start or your credit limit’s not that great? Go check it out, and this may be the answer to all your problems.
Griffin: Justin do you want to read this legalese in a fun voice?
Justin: [high pitched burbly voice] Other restrictions apply—
Griffin: That’s the one you used last time, I think you can do better than that.
Justin: Uh, let me try again. What do you—
Travis: Can you give me an Andre the Giant?
Justin: [low pitched voice with terrible accent] Other restrictions apply, see site for program and Visa prepaid card details, all personal loans are made by Web Bank a Utah Chartered Industrial Bank, Member FDIC, Equal Housing Lenderrrrrrrrr….
Travis: [low pitched voice] THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS…
Justin: [low pitched voice] MY ACCENT HAS WOUND DOWN TO DARK
Griffin: Oh no. [Travis laughs]
Justin: Oh no.
Griffin: Um.
Justin: Uh that’s it—
Griffin: Can I bust out a quick—
Justin: Thank you. Please! Give me a quick note, what’s going on?
Griffin: It’s a quick note, and it’s important, because it’s for Sarah, from James—Jah-mez. James, and then in quotation marks—
Travis: [unintelligible] says—
Griffin: Jah-mez, James, his name is James—
Justin: Yah-mez.
Travis: Yah-may.
Griffin: Yah-mez says: “My dearest Sarah, happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day whenever this airs, as well as on your actual birthday, and if those birthdays are the same, a double wonderful day! No pressure though, McElroy brothers!” No chance, James. “Your courage, your creativity, your kindness amazes me every day, let’s be animal friends forever. I love you always. XOXOXO… Jaaaaah-mez.”
Travis: That’s lovely!
Justin: That’s—That’s—
Griffin: That was really nice. Do we know what the actual birthday was so we can see how close we got?
Travis: No. No one ever knows.
Justin: No one ever knows when anybody’s birthday is!
Travis: Sarah’s never told anyone what her birthday is, he’s guessing, he’s just doing a scattershot approach. He’s bought 20 of these, and he’s just trying to get near her birthday.
Justin: I kinda like that.
Griffin: Yeah, but he’s used different names every time. So every time there’s a birthday message it’s always Jahmz, and it’s always for Suh-rah. [Justin laughs] Um, happy birthday, Sur-rah.
Justin: Happy Birthday Sur-rah!
Travis: And this next one’s for Eric! It’s from Big Daddeh Hoffman—
Griffin: This sounds familiar! Has Big Daddy Hoff—
Travis: Yeah, because last time, Eric bought one for Big Daddy Hoffman, now Big Daddy Hoffman is buying one for Eric. “Happy birthday, cat daddy! I’m sorry you’ll never get my sweet sweet doctor drugs or cobbling skills. You save those for marriage! Instead, let’s get matching star tattoos for your birthday! This is also my thanks for the MBMBaM message from back in June! My favorite part was that you couldn’t even stick to the character lim-“
Griffin: Ohhhh yeah.
Justin: I like that meta!
Griffin: Oh that’s good stuff!
Travis: Deep! It goes deep.
Justin: I love—I love people using our extremely expensive messaging service, My Brother, My Brother and Me DMs, where we direct message between two people, and charge a nominal fee. [Griffin laughs]

Edit

Griffin: I have a ya—I have a Yahoo. That was sent in by Amelie Belcher, thank you Amelie—
Justin: [High-pitched voice] I AM AMELIE?
Griffin: Thank you, it’s by Yahoo Answers user Kitty, who asks...

Question #4 (41:18) Y Edit

Murder mystery party ideas? I’m organizing a murder mystery party for my friends and need some help with ideas. I’m not using a shop-bought kit for the night, and have come up with a basic storyline myself. Basically, a Lord invited everyone ‘round for dinner, earlier that week—“ [Justin and Travis giggle] But—but the morning of the night, he was murdered— But the morning of the night, he was murdered! Every guest is a suspect, because they all dislike the Lord, for reasons to do with money and flirtatious behavior. It turns out, in the end, that the son was the murderer— Because he was the Lord’s favorite, and wanted to inherit all of this money. I am looking for ideas to do with ways to reveal clues throughout the night through games, etc.. I wouldn’t mind if they were quite scary, but they should be fun, too. Also nothing too complicated please. I would love it if you could give your examples in your answers, any help would be—

Justin: Got a bunch of dullards coming to my murder mystery party!
Travis: I think you say, at the very beginning you just say “Welcome, everyone, we’ll be revealing clues to establish that the son is the murderer!” [Justin laughs]
Griffin: Alright everyone, have fun!
Travis: Enjoy dinner!
Griffin: Got a lot of spooky games comin’ up.
Travis: And then, the next morning, when everything’s done, you say “now did you catch the clue I said—when I mentioned that the son was the murderer? You should have been writing that down.”
Griffin: I have been to one murder mystery party in my life, and I know that this is your guys’ area of expertise, but I’ve only been to one… and I—I got there, I was in costume, it was like… cruise-themed? And um. They were making mojitos for everyone, and I drank SIX of them right when I got there— [Justin laughs] And then I had to step outside for like a half hour. And uh. Just breathe in the cold night air, and not throw up all over myself. And I missed a lot. I missed a lot of clues. [Justin laughs] So when I got back in, people were like “Where have you been?” And a lot of people thought I was the murderer because I disappeared for a long time [Griffin laughs] when it was actually that real Griffin got mondo drunk, mega fast. Um. So yeah.
Travis: Just like Monk!
Griffin: Just like in Monk. Yeah. So don’t do that.
Justin: I wouldn’t do that, no. Uh. In the murder mysteries that I’ve been to, uh. Up at Ravenswood Castle in Ohio, uh—I recommend it highly, by the way you know if you ever—
Travis: For a murder mystery or just to hang out there, because they just completed the Huntsman Hollow and it looks wonderful.
Justin: Beautiful! You know what I want to do sometime?
Travis: What?
Justin: Uh, I want to do My Brother, My Brother and Me murder mystery. Would you guys do that?
Travis: My Brother, My Brother, and Murderer.
Justin: My Brother, My Brother, MY KILLER like uh. Let’s do that! Thinking like, My Brother, My Brother and Me Murder Mystery weekend at a castle—
Griffin: Sixteen spots… one k.
Justin: Sixteen spots?
Griffin: Is a grand too much to ask for that? For an immersive, interactive experience with us?
Justin: Talk about that on Facebook if you want to do it because like, I really wanna do it. I like—you know what is good, is fake clues. You can make some of those—
Griffin: How do—how do you mean
Justin: What? Well, you know like… if Brian’s the murderer? The son’s the murderer? You maybe come up with some way to distract from that, maybe like… you write a note with blood or—probably lipstick—that says like “Brian didn’t do it—“
Travis: “It definitely wasn’t Brian.”
Justin: It wasn’t Brian. And then maybe you slip that underneath somebody’s plate when they’re—after they’re done eating you say “Mm looks—clean plate club, huh? Well you… let me see the bottom and make sure you really are,” and then they find the note and you’re like “Oh, mysterious!”
Griffin: Weird.
Travis: Well, I guess Brian didn’t do it.
Griffin: Wasn’t me!
Justin: Well, I guess that takes Brian off the list!
Travis: So here’s what you do: you hide, like.
Justin: Who me? My name? I’m Brian!
Travis: You hide notes around for everyone to find that say, like, “meet me in the such-and-such at midnight” and make everyone go to different points, and then go through their bags.
Justin: Maybe make everyone go to the same point, and then lock it!
Travis: [Gasps] And then see who the real murderer is!
Justin: And then see who the real murderer is, because they GOTTA kill again!
Travis: [Laughing] Find the one thing about fake murderers, they have to real murder to feel.
Justin: [Laughing] They have a taste for it now! They want to experience it in real life!
Travis: Will Brian know that he’s the murderer at this party, or will he be just as surprised as everyone else?
Griffin: No, he’s the Manchurian Candidate.
Justin: You put the solution on Yahoo Answers, everybody knows who the killer is now!
Griffin: Yeah, that’s fair.
Travis: That’s a good point.
Justin: What if the Lord’s not really dead?
Travis: Oh, resurrects?
Griffin: No—
Justin: [singing] Up from the grave he ROOOOOSE! Oh, turns out it’s been Jesus the whole time! Oh did I say the Lord? I meant the Lord of Lords. Pretty good place to hide clues—like where are good places to hide clues?
Travis: Bathroom.
Justin: I think like, inside the board game Clue. Is good.
Griffin: Oh, that’s a fucking good one.
Travis: Mm-hmm. Ooh, in the dictionary, for where the entry for the word “clue” is.
Griffin: Mm-hmm, um. What if you do the thing where you write on the mirror, with soap, and then when someone takes a shower… it’s—you can make it appear and It’s like—
Travis: Oh, and encourage all your guests to take a shower in the middle of the party—
Griffin: Yeah, just be like—
Travis: You smell like shit, Steve!
Griffin: “There’s a—There’s a clue in the shower room!” “Do you mean the bathroom?” “Yeah.” “Okay! [water noises] It says ‘Brian isn’t it’ on the mirror!”
Travis: And I can see… your dick? What?
Griffin: It says I—Brian was here but not—he didn’t kill it, but good dick.

Question #5 (46:42) Edit

Uh, my work provides apples. There are red delicious and tasty greens in baskets on each floor. So I usually bring a smallish lunch and supplement it with an apple. But some days, I’m more peckish than others, and I might dip into the basket again and again. I ask you, how many apples is too many apples? Both biologically and socially?

Justin: And that’s from “I like dem apples” in Chicago. [Griffin laughs]
Travis: Here’s the –here’s the important question, the important detail that this question asker left out is: Are these baskets—
Justin: How bad are the apples?
Travis: Well, are these baskets sitting at like… a receptionist’s desk where there’s like, a human being watching?
Griffin: [Laughing] Uh huh?
Justin: What kind of monitoring is provided for the apples?
Travis: Is there someone who will report back to your boss and go “It was another five apple day?”
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: FIVE APPLES!
Justin: Can you believe this motherfucker?
Travis: How much do we pay this—does he not have enough for a Lunchable?
Justin: What’s his fiber issue?
Travis: He’s hungry 24/7 for apples!
Justin: Oh. Wait a minute! Are you sure this isn’t a “take an apple, leave an apple” basket? [Griffin laughs] Those are popular!
Griffin: Yeah just—
Travis: Oh you take a red and leave a green—
Griffin: Just makin’ a quick deposit guy fuckin… brought too many apples again!
Travis: This is a pluot, who the fuck left a pluot in the apple basket?
Justin: Would their—I love that this like--this is a very new-age approach to employee maintenance, just leaving—
Travis: I—I’ve actually seen this.
Griffin: What, apples?
Justin: Have you—
Travis: I’ve seen it at hotels too!
Griffin: Well yeah—
Travis: But I’ve seen where they have them like… the same way people used to have candy bowls, now they have apple baskets and like, fruit things.
Griffin: Apple—can we just like, start from the ground and work our way up, and like establish the fucking fact that apples aren’t a meal? No, you don’t go—lunch time, three apples… no!
Justin: I don’t under—I think the thing I’m struggling with in this question more than anything—[clears throat] I don’t understand this perception that eating produce is anything but a chore that is to be struck from your list upon completion. I—I one—I finish an apple, I don’t think “oh, gotta go back for another apple,” I think of an apple as some—like a deposit in future gastronomical debauchery that I may—
Travis: And I even like apples. But there’s still a certain amount of like, “Okay let’s see, well, I got this and this. I should take an apple.”
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: “I should also have an apple…”
Travis: I’d like… Theresa and I, you know we’ve been travelling, so we stopped and got like… fast food on the way up and it was like “we—we should have some vegetables.” It wasn’t like “ooh, I really want—this is this—this is the right thing—“
Griffin: Jesus is watching, we—
Travis: Let’s be honest, we’re adults, we should have some fucking vegetables.
Griffin: We’ve eaten—we’ve eaten Arby’s four times today—
Travis: We’ve had the equivalent of three pizzas already, let’s—let’s buy some vegetables.
Griffin: I guess an apple… apples are just empty calories, and they’re not very many cookie points because they’re sweet. Like cookies are.
Travis: Here’s my bet, I Like Dem Apples in Chicago, you don’t really want an apple, you’re bored, because you’re at work— [Griffin laughs uproariously] You just need to get up and go do something else, with your time, and it’s a fucking apple. Now thank God it’s an apple rather than a box of donuts, or you’d probably have diabetes by now, because it sounds like you’re having fourteen apples a day. And this isn’t Norman, Oklahoma, alright? You can’t just like, have donuts all the time.
Justin: [awful chair creaks] Do you think that—I like to imagine the question asker is eating like Mr. Peepers. Do you think?
Griffin: Oh boy. [Travis laughs]
Justin: Just savaging them?
Travis: Or just doing different impressions of different people’s eating of apples.
Justin: Hey, can you imagine if Jack Nicholson ate an apple? I like to think it might go… uh something like this!
Travis: [Laughing] And then just do Mr. Peepers every time.
Justin: [fake accent] Youuuuu dirty rat! [Griffin laughs] Have an apple!
Griffin: Can I bust out a—
Justin: I can do any celebrity eating an apple—
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: [Nixon voice] I am, uh, nooot an apple eater! [chewing noises]
Justin: Uh… but I am! Um.
Griffin: Um.
Travis: I did not have sexual relations with this apple! It’s… he does a political theme one day. [Justin laughs]
Griffin: This is—this is a new play I’m writing, it’s called Frost/Apple. [Justin laughs]
Travis: I am enjoying this apple at Ford’s Theater! Boom! Oh no!
Griffin: [Laughing] Alright.
Justin: [Laughing] Okay!
Griffin: So, I have a quick—
Travis: It’s all presidential apples—
Griffin: I got you. Can I read this quick YaDrew?
Travis: Can he use his apple cores and turn them into little apple dolls? With the faces and the—
Justin: [loudly] I’m not eating apples, I’m making crafts!
Travis: I’m making art, they will be available at my desk for fifty dollars per apple doll, they are hard to make.
Griffin: I will put some of those funds back into our apple supply. No I won’t. I won’t do that.
Travis: I will donate ten cents of each purchase to make more apples I guess? How do you do that?
Griffin: How do you do that? I have a 3D printer—alright, I got a YaDrew, and it was sent in by Drew. Um, thank you Drew. Does it—should—do we do his last name still? It’s just like—
Travis: No, I think you can just say like, it’s from D.
Griffin: It’s from D. It’s my boy D. Vitamin D.
Travis: I think then when other people send one you can just start with “This is from Not-Drew Davenport.”
Griffin: This uh, it was—this was asked by YaDrew Answers user Daniel, uh, who asks,

Question #6 (51:35) Y Edit

How to make a memorable entrance into a reception? I am at my sister’s wedding, and I am walking with one of my best friends. We are all walking to the same song into the reception unfortunately, but I was wondering what we could do to make it memorable, because we are both pretty crazy!

Travis: Shit yourself.
Justin: Uh huh.
Griffin: [Laughing] Shit your pants with [unintelligible, more laughing]
Justin: [Laughing]
Travis: And if you can do it without pausing your stride, that would be—
Griffin: You’re walking in—
Justin: Keep walking and smile—
Griffin: You’re walking into--[Laughing]
Justin: Maybe a gigantic smile like that girl in the “Black Hole Sun” video, can you swing that?
Griffin: Yeah. Um. You’re walking in to “Hey Ma” by Cam’ron, everbody’s walking in, doing their thing, and you just stop in the middle and you just… do it. And everyone knows what you’re doing, and I guess the other person’s doing it too?
Travis: And you make prolonged eye contact with everybody, one by one.
Griffin: Hey ma, what’s up? I shit my pants, me too!
Travis: On purpose!
Griffin: On purpose!
Travis: Not like… you can’t act like you’re embarrassed and it can’t be like “ohhh, my stomach,” you just have to do it like [gasp/groan]
Griffin: It will be memorable. Guaran-goddamn-tee that.
Travis: You could not shit yourself, but make everyone else shit themselves.
Griffin: How?
Travis: Brown note—
Griffin: Not a real thing.
Travis: Ex-lax.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: You could like, subliminally implant it in everyone’s brain. [Justin laughs]
Griffin: What, like fucking—like fucking Scanners? Just stand there like—
Justin: Sorry—
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: Just start vibrating, until everybody shits their pants? [Travis laughs]

Housekeeping (54:10) Edit

Justin: Before we… uh, wrap up the show, uh. I have an announcement to make. When we were talking about stuff in hotels, I came up with the idea to say “Turn Down for What Service” and I couldn’t think of a way to work it in.
Griffin: Okay, so—
Justin: So I couldn’t—
Griffin: Anybody else have any aborted jokes?
Justin: [Laughing] If—If at any point you want to use that in your day-to-day life, I don’t want it to be lost to time.
Griffin: I had a whole thing for apples for like, that one scene from Good Will Hunting that I just didn’t get to use, and I also had a really great Cider House Rule joke, but I sat on it, because, um. I just. Tobey Maguire is going through a lot right now—
Justin: Uh, this has been My Brother, My Brother and Me, we have—
Travis: We have so much more shit to say!
Justin: It is a Hundred Lives of Black Jack Savage fancast, uh we hope you have enjoyed it, um I want to make a special note of our Facebook group, it is continuing to, um, grow, it is a thriving community of people, there are like literally hundreds of people joining it every week. Hundreds upon hundreds. I would ask everybody in that group—if you’re already in that group—to maybe have a little bit more discretion with the horse-based posts? Like, don’t feel the need to post every bit of horse detritus you stumble across in your internet travels, let’s try to keep it just to the best of the best in terms of horse content, uh—
Griffin: And maybe—and maybe before you post anything, just sort of look at it for a long time and imagine that you are another person that is not yourself, and would that person find what you are about to post horrifically gross? Like, super super yucky.
Justin: Yeah, because I’ve deleted a few of those.
Griffin: I’ve deleted a few yuckos, and I love you guys, but you have to fucking stop, you are killing me—
Justin: And I’ve deleted a few people promoting things other than our show because FUCK. YOU. Where do you get off? How dare you? Anyway, it’s a fun group, everybody in there is really really cool, just search for My Brother, My Brother and Me Appreciation Group on Facebook, and you will see it, and we will add you as soon as we can. Don’t try to fucking sell any jeans in there—
Travis: Don’t sell jeans!
Justin: We are—it is really hard to filter out the spam bots, because they look real, but we’re doing our best.
Griffin: If you’ve been on Facebook for less than a month, and you’re in more than thirty groups, and you’re a real person, we have no way of knowing that.
Justin: We actually can’t help you, so I’m sorry that I can’t get you in the group, maybe send us a message or something if you are a real human that has been on Facebook for less than—
Griffin: [singing] Real human being! You guys remember that song?
Travis: Nope. We have another announcement!
Griffin: What?
Travis: Uh, mark your calendars. Coming up October 15th through the 21st is MaxFun Week! Um. So in the past we had like, MaxFun day and we do the fund drive every year. But here’s the thing, this is not about fundraising, we’re not asking you for any kind of money—
Griffin: It’s about FUN raising!
Travis: No, it’s not about money at all—
Griffin: No, FUN! FUN raising!
Travis: Fun—Fun… raising the fun. So it’s just a weekend where we’re going to focus on getting the word out there—maybe you’ve listened to our show exclusively. Maybe you’ve only listened to us and Sawbones and you’ve never tried out the other MaxFun shows, well. This week is going to be all about that. We’re going to be on other shows, people are going to be on our show and just a cross—there’s going to be a lot of cross-promotion and a lot of people hosting each other’s shows. So it’s going to be really fun, there’s going to be giveaways, there’s going to be special content. So, just make sure you’re paying attention, follow MaxFunHQ on Twitter, @MaxFunHQ, or you can follow us on Twitter. Follow Jesse Thorn, and you’re going to get all the fun MaxFun week information, I think it’s going to be a really good time—
Griffin: It’s gonna be a hootenanny.
Justin: Whoa.
Travis: So go check it out, check out the other MaxFun shows, um. Goosedown, Lady to Lady, One Bad Mother, Song
Griffin: What’s our featured—no, what’s our featured show this week?
Travis: Um, Oh No, Ross and Carrie is our featured show this week.
Griffin: Why? Why’d we pick them?
Justin: What’s that?
Travis: Oh No, Ross and Carrie is a uh… Ross and Carrie, they go and they explore fringe science claims so that you don’t have to. They join cults, they become members of religions, they go check out any kind of—uh you know, um. Non-traditional medical science claims such as like, healing crystals and that kind of thing so that you don’t have to. And not only do they approach it in like a very scientific manner, and they’re very good about exploring the whole thing, it’s also really really funny, and they seem like really good people. I’ve hung out with Carrie, and she’s super nice.
Griffin: I take—
Travis: I look forward to hanging out with both of them when I get to LA.
Griffin: I actually have to take umbrage with their oil-pulling episode, because they said it’s not good, and I love it, and I’m doing it right now [gross mouth noises]
Travis: Now, to be fair, what they said is… [Griffin makes more gross mouth noises] That if you weren’t doing anything else it would probably be beneficial, but if you’re already brushing and flossing—
Griffin: I’m not. I don’t need to.
Travis: You’re just oil-pulling?
Griffin: The oil is getting all of it!
Justin: You can find all those at MaximumFun.org so go—go nuts! Also, did you know that there’s a Reddit for Maximum Fun? Tv.reddit.com/r/maximumfun and then there’s another slash in there. Right now you can find my pasta pass unboxing. I have an embarrassing thing to admit. I got my unlimited pasta pass and still have not used it.
Griffin: You dumb motherfucker!
Travis: Oh you gotta do it, you talked about it—you’ve talked about it too much now, you have to go!
Justin: I know, I know I do.
Travis: And you can also watch Justin unbox that pass at our YouTube page, YouTube.com/MBMBaM and now that I have officially quit my job, we’re going to be putting a lot more content up there, more animated videos to come—
Griffin: More innovative content, a lot of TED Talks
Travis: Yeah, you’re going to watch it and go “I can’t believe no one’s ever YouTubed like this before—“
Griffin: Uh huh.
Justin: Cartoons—cartoons are coming.
Travis: This is YouTube!” Um. Cartoons are coming, more clips that you can share with your friends and that kind of stuff so make sure to go check it out, subscribe if you haven’t already. If we hit 10,000 subscribers we get to use the YouTube Studios, and I don’t know what I will do there but it will probably be diiiisgusting. So make sure we get lots of YouTube followers—
Griffin: No one else can use this studio now!
Justin: What have you done? Who was in here being so raunchy!?
Griffin: Ah-ha-um. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song “It’s a Departure” off of the album Putting the Days to Bed, good good good album, you know I’ve been listening to that track seven a whole bunch— [Justin spontaneously laughs] What’s wrong? [Justin laughs more] What are you laughing about?
Travis: Justin, what happened?
Justin: I’m sorry uh—I was going to share our Twitter mentions, right? Uh, thank you to people tweeting about the show, but I wanted to especially highlight MBMBaM Wisdom, that is uh. Has over four thousand subscribers now. Is that what they are on Twitter? Followers I guess? Uh. But they tweeted out links to our official pages last night and I had never seen Griffin’s [Laughing] so I clicked on it and he’s got [Laughing Harder]
Griffin: [Laughing] Yeah no that’s really good,
Justin: [Laughing uncontrollably] He’s got Are You Afraid of—I don’t want to ruin it—go to GriffinMcElroy.com[Travis laughs] Look at the first—Travis just—[Justin laughs] Oh God, this is like the least funny thing we’ve ever put in a show—
Griffin: Yeah no it’s really good, it’s going to really bump my SEO up! [Justin and Travis laugh]
Justin: Check Griffin’s site and [Laughing] Stupid um. Okay so. Thanks again to MeUndies for supporting the podcast, you can go to MeUndies.com/MyBrother and get 20% off the first order, and right now you’ll get free shipping in the US and Canada, we’re wearing them right now, be like us, get comfortable junk just like ours. Uh. I think that’s it. Travis, safe travels.
Travis: Hey thanks, um.
Justin: If you want to put Travis on your podcast or comedy show in LA, please let us know and he’ll just appear—
Travis: Or if you want me to be on any podcast you like, feel free to tell them!
Justin: Tell ‘em. Tell ‘em you got a Travis fever.
Travis: Tell ‘em to getcha boy. Oh! And I almost forgot! We’ve got a Wiki now! We’ve got a hosted Wiki! Justin, what’s the address on that?
Justin: That is gonna be MBMBaM.hostedwiki.co[1] there is a—
Travis: There you go!
Justin: You can go to the Facebook group and help fill that out, just search for uh, Wiki stuff, and—um. You can help to fill it out, but it’s—they’re adding like, questions and filling it out so. Make sure to check that out. We’re done. We’ve got to be done. Griffin, last question.
Griffin: Final Yahoo. It’s a Vitamin D joint. Thank you, Vitamin D. It’s by Yahoo Answers user Lala, who asks...

Question #7 (61:00) FY Edit

“Why does my breath always smell like dry leaves?”

Justin: [Justin and Travis laugh] I’m Justin McElroy!
Travis: I’m Travis McElroy.
Griffin: I’m Griffin McElroy.
Justin: This has been My Brother, My Brother and Me, kiss your dad square on the lips!

References & Links Edit

  1. Blasphemous, there are no other wikis than mbmbam.wikia.com.

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