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"A Premium Swallow" was originally released on December 8, 2014, at 7:54 AM.

Description Edit

Listen, we've already got the comedy-advice game on lockdown, so now we're turning our attention toward new, potentially more lucrative dividends. Like, for instance, dad-based fantasy fiction.

Suggested Talking Points Edit

Brand Portfolio Update, The Love Window, Tip of the Dragon Penis, Guv, Lardell's Interests, Sticky Icky Stigma, A Suitable Silverback Womb

OutlineEdit

Intro - Brand Portfolio Update

09:29 - A few months ago I started dating my best friend; he's the best ever. It's the happiest I've ever been. I'm totally in love with him and I'd like to tell him that, but this project needs some tweaking. We're both pretty goofy and the thought of a grand romantic moment in which I declare my love makes me want to actually vomit. Can you think of a good way for me to tell him I love him that strikes a nice balance? -- Ghost Octopus

14:47 - Y - Sent in by Matt Estevez, from Yahoo Answers user Yoville [posted in Arts and Humanities/History], who asks:

What are the ranks in the Illuminati?

Name all of the ranks or anything they use to describe their self as ?

19:55 - My name is Simon and I'm from England. I'm finishing up my final year in a Ph.D program in the US, specifically Missourri. During my five years here I've found that the theory of Americans loving the English accent to be true. It is nice to be appreciated, but it is also sometimes jarring or even annoying when I'm simply getting a coffee and I say "Thank you" only to hear "Oh my god, I love your accent!". I've even tried to put on a MIssourri accent at the checkout to avoid this problem. My question is two pronged; 1, why do Americans love the English accent, and 2, what can I do to be honest about my feelings that it's just a voice and I didn't work for it so it doesn't deserve praise? -- Simon

27:46 - Y - Sent in by Drew Davenport, from "YaDrew Answers" user lardell, who asks:

YES OR NO...the things im into are interesting?

Underground hip hop/ Thick & Sexy Women/ Faith Evans/ Wax Poetics/ Dusty Groove/ Louisville Cardinals/ Pittsburgh Steelers/ Music is my drug/ Snickers/
JCTC/ Hadorn's Bakery/ Talk Radio/ I love to draw/ Chilli Cheese Dogs/ Pepsi/
RIP Biggie Smalls/ I miss Michael Jackson/ Bernie Mac/ Jamie Foxx/ ESPN/ Uncle Samms Jamms/ HH Gregg/ Famous Amos Cookies/ Persia White/ Tempstt Bledsoe/ Leslie Jones (comedian)/ Regina King/ BMW Black Man Working/ Greater Salem Baptist Church/
Steve Deace/ Bill Maher/ The Howard Stern Show/ The Mike Gallagher Show/ At the Breakfast club Power 105.1/ The Advise Show

34:53 - MZ - Sponsored by Hulu. Sponsored by Harry's. Personal message from Jameson. Personal message from an anonymous submitter. Advertisement for Lady To Lady.

42:08 - I smoke a lot of pot. Like a ton. Everyday. Probably not a ton everyday, but I'm also serious and I think, a respectable person. I'm working on my second Masters degree, I maintain a 4.0 GPA throughout grad school, I am in a healthy long-term relationship, and I still manage to have a lot of fun most of the time. How can I get people to take me seriously even though I am now, and have been for a long time, and probably always will be, a huge pothead? -- Seriously Stoned in Memphis

46:48 - Y - Sent in by Rachel Spurling, from Yahoo Answers user Mike, who asks:
Crushing It
How do I convince my girlfriend to stop pooping completely?

Unfortunatly, my girlfriend poops at least once each day and usually twice everyday- [at this point they figure out the yahoo is fake and stop reading it]

48:14 - Y - Sent in by Drew Davenport, from Yahoo Answers user Thomas, who asks:

I want to be born in 400 years?

I don't like being born in the 1990s. I know I get to grow up and play with iPads and cars and stuff, but I want more. The people 500 years ago couldn't imagine having microwaves or TV or spaceships. I feel like future people will make fun of me for being primitive.

I want to live in a world where I can visit grandma on Mars and be back by dinner. I want to order a hoberboard from eBay and have it delivered via drone. I want to choose what color my babies eyes will be and if it will be a boy or a girl.

I can imagine those evil bastards up there right now, living in glass domes on the moon. Looking back at us 2014 earthdwellers. And our non hovering cars and our non robotic dogs.

I want to be there when they announce that NASA has discovered alien life on another planet and broadcast it live on HD TVs in every home.

I want a goddamn robot hand so at the gym I can bench press 400,000 metric tons of steel, then use my jetpack to fly back to my underwater home on Venus.

But now I just live in a house and go to school... :/

54:46 - Housekeeping

58:08 - FY - Sent in by Drew Davenport, from "YaDrew Nights Mystery" user jamie, who asks:

Did Elvis have hairy legs , or smooth silky ones ?

Quotes Edit

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Deep Cuts Edit

References & Links Edit

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