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"Immersion Therapy" was originally released October 25, 2010.

Description Edit

In this unofficial MBMBaM Halloween Spooktacular, the brothers McElroy turn up the fright meter to "AAH"-leven, answering a whole mess of eerie queries about ... um, relationships and meeting people and other sad stuff. We guess it's not all that terrifying, unless you consider the fact that we've done this twenty-seven times now to be a little scary.

Suggested Talking Points Edit

The cleanest hands, hypothetical future-to-present time travel, Jekyll and Bastard, Ja Drool, the nerd void, tapeworm baby, baggin' it

Transcript Edit

Justin: Like the Chilean miners...
Griffin: Nope, we did that one
Justin: ...emerging once again. Listen you might be willing to forget about them that quickly. I'm not going to forget about our Chilean Brothers that emerged from the ground like that
Travis: How do we know there's not some more down there? Have you looked?
Justin: Like the Chilean miner, a forgotten Chilean miner, emerging a week after everyone else has left from the ground. This is my brother, my brother, and me. Emerging from the depths of ignorance to deliver week old wisdom straight to your dome.
Travis: Do you think like six weeks after the celebration someone looked around and said "Have you guys seen sleepy Tim?"
Justin: Where is sleepy Tim? Shit! Now he's skinny Tim
Travis: Lonely Tim
Justin: Lonely, skinny Tim
Griffin: Tim is actually a very common name in Chile, you guys may not know that.
Justin: It's not Chilli, they weren't lost inside a mine inside one of the members of TLC
Griffin: No they were lost in a Chili's restaurant, they needed to be excavated. Which I, I mean I can't blame them of all the places to get stuck in the ground for three months...I mean their chicken strips are really out of this world.
Justin: Guys I don't care how awesome this blossom is I'm going to f****** flip if I don't get out of here soon. Wait, wait Awesome Blossom is Outback what is Chili's do they have a version that is equitable to the Awesome Blossom?
Travis: The mediocre blossom
Justin: As you certainly gathered this is an advice show for the modern era
Travis: Clearly
Justin: I am your host and co-brother Justin McElroy
Travis: I'm Travis McElroy
Griffin: I'm Griffin McElroy
Justin: And we are going to get right into the wisdom, the growth as it were. I can't tell if this is going to be a good one or a bad one but let's find out together.

Question #1 (02:43) Edit

One my friends that I've known for years has a serious problem about washing his hands too much. He washes them every 30 minutes and as it get colder outside his hands start to crack and bleed because they are dry. What should I do to get him to stop being a freak? - Kevin from Gmail
Justin: Kevin your friend isn't he's not like kooky
Travis: What a crazy guy
Justin: He's got Marc Sommers-it is
Travis: Awww no, he's got the double dare
Griffin: It seems kind of counterintuitive to me right. I wash my hands because they're dirty but I wash them too much, so now they have blood all over them, which is like the dirtiest substance known to man.
Justin: And as we all know you can wash all you want that blood's not coming off
Travis: Nooope
Griffin : Never ever
Justin: Nope, the blood stays
Travis : Maybe you need to invest in some gloves, just simple.
Justin: The thing that worked for Marc Summers, it's something called immersion therapy. Where to get over the fact that you're really worried about getting dirty, they make you climb around in giant waffles covered in fake butter…and that seemed to fix him pretty good.
Griffin: So all you have to do is go to Nickelodeon or what's Nickelodeon's parent company? Because I know Nickelodeon studios is like shut down...
Justin: Viacom
Griffin: ... you gotta go to Viacom. I can show you where their office is in New York. You just go there and you try and get him...arrange a 90’s style game show with your friend as the host.
Justin: Yeah or Kevin you could realize that your friend has something called obsessive compulsive disorder and it's probably not going to be fixed with a pat on the back and a couple of concerned looks.
Travis: In fact, don't pat him on the back. I don't think that'll help, I think that actually hurts the situation.
Justin: He has to wash his back. You can't hurt the situation, look at those muscles, that guy's diesel
Travis : I think what you need to do is if you realize it's been a little over 30 minutes look at him and go: "Woah it's been 30 minutes, better wash your hands or puppies are gonna die"
Justin: Help keep him on schedule, that's all you can do is try to facilitate.
Griffin: Or just ridicule him endlessly that's the only way that friends can really get friends to do other things
Justin: I know a lot...I know there are probably some people clucking their tongues out there and saying "hey that's a serious..." listen life's hard the fact that the guy washes his hands every half hour is not exactly debilitating okay let's all...
Travis: Look at Howard Hughes
Justin : Look at Howard Hughes okay he managed to still build the Spruce Goose
Griffin: Yeah but I mean think of all the life experiences that he's going to miss out on now like he can't he'll never be able to hold his newborn baby for longer than 30 minutes at a time. Things really...when you're holding a baby, things start to get really good around minute 40.
Justin: That's true the connection is really real there. All his finger paints will look like rushed b*******. I see what you're going for here but you really kind of needed to percolate a little bit more

Question #2 (05:44)Edit

Dear Brothers my girlfriend says I play WoW too much. I've lived with my girlfriend for eight years and started playing WoW a year ago. I play a few hours a day, but she wants me to stop. So I haven't been on the dating scene for 10 years, any advice?- Formspring 
Justin: Whoa what kind of bizarre either or have you entered here formspring?
Griffin: Yeah my advice is to…
Justin: What's WoW?
Griffin: Sometimes when I'm faced with decisions like this, very difficult decision this man is clearly facing. I like to pretend that I've traveled back in time from a few years in the future, where I'm so cripplingly sad because of the decision I made and that by traveling in time I can manage to stop myself from doing that terrible thing. Which is a long, long way of saying, don't do what you're thinking about doing.
Justin: You're talking about like present time travel right?
Travis: Yes
Griffin: I'm talking about hypothetical future to present time travel
Justin: Okay, yeah I like that idea. I think it'd probably be...before it catches on. You're going to need a catchier name for it. I'd suggest: immersion therapy but the uh... I do like the premise here. Remember formspring, someday you are going to die and when you die you are not going to say to yourself: "gosh I wish I had played WoW more". You might however say: "I wish I hadn't dumped my girlfriend of 8 years to play WoW more". Which is maybe the same principle as Griffin's, but I like to keep the taste of death in everybody's mouth at every moment. I think if you're thinking about your death, your eventual death, you're always going to make the best decision.
Travis: You need to live like you're dying, and then die like you're dying.
Griffin: Yes
Justin: What is that picante? What is that mild?
Griffin: It's got kind of a butternut...
Justin: Death-y...
Travis: A definite death-y kind of feel to it
Justin: I'm getting a note of grave
Travis: Can I suggest proposing to your girlfriend of 8 years, get off...
Justin: In WoW!
Travis: Yeah!
Griffin: No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Travis: This can only go well, don't listen to Griffin
Justin: Come here and look at the screen for a second, I know you don't play.
Travis: I bought you a purple ring
Justin: It’s amethyst
Griffin: I changed the name of my guild to: I love you, Susan
 

Question #3 (08:15) Edit

My friend Tim and his girlfriend have a problem. They never stop making out and groping each other in front of the rest of us [Justin: I'm going to go ahead and submit that you're the one with the problem but let's go on]. How do I go about stopping this? At points it's downright annoying. Also, talking to them about it and telling them how we feel does nothing. I need something a little more drastic...thoughts?- Carlo
Travis: Carlo, no
Justin: Carlo you do realize that you're trying to stay in the way of the most powerful force in the universe, making out.
Griffin: A boner?
Justin: Boners yeah you're trying to stop man and a woman that I'm guessing from your description are under the age of 17. You're trying to get them to stop groping in public. What you think you're going to reinvent the wheel? Come on Carlo
Travis: That's a fool's game
Griffin: And...does it say in pub-...ok so they are doing it in public. For some people watching that happen, that's all they got, that's all they have. Like some people, and I'm not gonna go to malls, and just like to just see the, just see people...
Justin: Just see people in love...
Travis: Groping each other
Griffin: Just express their love in a physical manner
Justin: In public
Griffin: Yeah, in public places, like outside the gap. Um some people need, some people need that.
Justin: Some people need it, nothing wrong with that
Griffin: I mean there is something wrong with it
Justin: There’s something a little wrong with it, but I don't want to judge you, you're my brother for chrissake, I mean not you of course, we're not talking about you HAHAH
Travis: Hypothetical people
Justin: Hypothetical Griffin...some of us...
Griffin: Hypothetical future present Griffin
Justin: Some of us are coming up on 30 and like to be reminded of what it's like to feel, and maybe Carlo you shouldn't get in the way that maybe
Travis: I suggest just every time you see it yelling "EWWWW" really loud
Justin: That's good that's good and then go back in time go to Nickelodeon Studios get a container of Gak and then when they start making out...
Travis: Slime 'em
Justin: Just slime 'em, nailed it. What's up, what's this all over me? You've been slimed.
Travis: Next time you see them making out just yell: "I got next!"
Justin: You can't do that on television, but you can do it in my dorm room, slimed
Griffin: Just fire some Koosh balls at 'em
Justin: All of a sudden they're on the Rosie O'Donnell show [unintelligible]
Griffin: But really you shouldn't do anything because there's nothing you can do
Justin: They’ll hate each other soon enough and you don't want to get in the way of that.

Question #4 (10:56) Edit

I have this guy friend who to me is TOTALLY AWESOME [Justin: that's in all caps, I don't think I can do it justice, but trust me] he's great, funny, [Justin: Chili, Left eye, T-boz all that,

nope those aren't in there] he's chill, all that. The only problem is that to people that he isn't friends with, he's just a total jerk, just the worst. He's rude and downright unpleasant to be around. He's never violent or anything like that, but still. Even though he's perfectly fine when he's hanging with me, I find a lot of friends kinda look down on me for hanging around him because of this. What should I do? Thanks!- Devil's Advocate, Gmail 
Griffin: I like it
Travis: So is it like a Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing or is it just that you like his bad attitude and your friends don't?
Griffin: No I think I think it's one of those scenarios where once he gets surrounded by too many people, he transforms into a monster.
Justin: He gets...I mean you gotta...I think the thing to remember is that it stems from a place of...some people...when I'm around a bunch of people I don't know very well I tend to...to kinda clam up a little bit. I get a little social phobic and his probably just manifesting in a different way. In this case he gets on the, you know he gets on the offensive, is what it sounds like to me. I think the trick is try exposing him to one friend at a time, you know, until he gets comfortable with both of you and then eventually you do that enough times...
Griffin: You gotta find that magic number so that if you're hanging out with three friends and you bring in a fourth and he's still cool and then you bring in a fifth and he's like "Grrr Jews" and you're like, no...okay, not five.
Justin: None of that
Griffin: Four or under
Justin: Right now you're attempting what's called immersion therapy. I don't think it's working. It's not for everyone, it worked for Marc Summers but that doesn't mean it's going to work for jerko over here. Don't you guys think one friend at a time until like...
Travis: Yeah
Justin: ...he's more comfortable with the group? I think that's the only way or like is this guy worth it, like he doesn't sound very cool.
Travis: He's totally awesome
Griffin: He's totally awesome. You don't know him, like he knows him. Here's another suggestion, if you're hanging out with friends, and you want it to just look like it's you and him, then hide your friends around the room you two are hanging out in.
Justin: I love it, like they talk to you and he's like "what was that?" and you're like "I didn't hear anything"
Griffin: I didn't hear...I don't know what you're talking about.
Justin: But yes Greg I would like to go to the mall tomorrow.
Griffin: And then once he's been awesome for a while your friends can jump out and be like that that behavior is the kind of behavior you should exhibit around us
Justin: But he's scared, he's like f*** you, I’m out!
Travis: I don't trust people!
Justin: How could you do this to me Richard? Hate your guts!
Griffin: : Here's a Yahoo answers question and it was sent by Hybrid Misfit, thank you Hybrid Misfit. It's from Yahoo answers user Sick Nick who asks:
 

Yahoo #1: (13:57) Edit

How can I make my rapping better? When I rap I get a lot of saliva in my mouth and I don't sound too good when it happens. How can I change

that and can you give me other suggestions? - Sent in by Hybrid Misfit
Griffin: Let's not put the cart before the horse, you need to handle your saliva situation, first and foremost
Justin: Right
Travis: Uh huh
Griffin: I think you should maybe just incorporate it into your act
Justin : Well that's been popular strategy. You ever wonder where Big Daddy Brawny came from? Why people call him that? It’s because he wraps with a giant wad of paper towel in his mouth
Travis: Yeah
Justin: A lot of people don't know that
Travis: DJ mumbles and his mouth full of cotton balls
Griffin: How about just DJ cud...kid cud
Justin: Kid cudi
Griffin: That's how he got his name
Justin: That's how he got his name, exactly. You might remember MC silica gel, actually died because you're not supposed to put silica gel in your mouth. But you get the idea. He went young, but God those rhymes!
Travis: So, so dry
Griffin: It's hard to corner the rap market nowadays because you have to be doing; you have to have something new. Like for instance, I think Kanye West does it just with really clever rhymes and catchy beats
Justin: and being crazy
Griffin: and being crazy and Soulja Boy does it by being really super untalented, which is in and of itself kind of unique. So I think what you can do is just have a lot of spit in your mouth when you're rapping
Justin: yeah, whoa
Travis: DJ Drooly
Griffin: DJ Drooly there’s something along those lines...Ja Drool?
Justin: Ja Drool?
Travis: Uh huh
Justin: And all your lyrics could be about it too like: when I spit rhymes you know you'll really get wet, something like that
Griffin: Oh my God this is...
Travis: You will get wet you may get soaked
Justin: The name's kid slimy don't you never forget, something like that
Griffin: Can you give me four more lines?
Justin: uhhh um lemme see what I got here...when I'm done with you kids you're going to need a towel I'm going to open your eyes I'm going to empty your bowels
Griffin: Okay
Justin: Haha that's... is that two lines?
Griffin: That's two lines
Justin: When I'm on the M-I-C things will never be dry...
Griffin: Mmhmm, oh come on you can do this
Travis: You've almost got it
Griffin: Justin, Justin, Justin
Justin: I'm going to dampen your shirt and spit in your eye
Griffin: Yes
Travis: Hahah there it is
Justin: Ok whooo

Question #5 (16:48) Edit

Okay, alright my older brother is balding. He tries to hide it with hats, hoodies, bonnets, etc. Unfortunately he cannot rock a hat and his wearing a hoodie indoors makes him look like a rapist. How do I get him to get right with his MPB? - Formspring
Griffin: I don't know what that...
Travis & Justin : Male pattern baldness
Griffin: Okay um...
Travis: I think just to clarify last week, I think we covered no one can rock a hat
Griffin: No you can wear a hat and sometimes you can't even do that
Travis: Yeah
Justin: Sometimes you're just barely wearing a hat
Travis: You need to explain to your brother, that we are in the time period now where bald people are awesome
Justin: Yeah it's the most socially acceptable bald has ever been I think
Travis: I agree, I think he needs to just shave it and call it a day
Griffin: Is that because of Moby you think?
Justin: Because of Moby mainly
Griffin: I think Moby is really the one that turned it around because, I mean it was cool to be bald when you like 55, but Moby was like "nah dawg I’m 22 and now I have a bald head"
Travis: I remember in that interview where Bruce Willis was like: Thank God for Moby, thanks for making it all okay.
Justin: The thing is... step one to getting your sexy right is always acceptance. You gotta accept who you are. Wearing a hat, and hoodie, and bonnet hopefully not really a bonnet but...wearing that kind of stuff, that doesn't that says I'm ashamed of something that's utterly out of my control. That’s not sexy.
Travis: You should say you're proud of it, because it's something you've got that most people don't.
Justin: Shave your eyebrows and then walk around just saying f*** you just like that to people...
Griffin: Don't
Justin: ...and then point at them, like what's up with these
Travis: But then grow huge beard
Justin: A huge beard
Griffin: And break your own nose, so that it's slightly tilted to the left.
Justin: Whoa, I like this.
Travis: Yeah this is a look, we're doing like a Woolly Willy thing here.
Justin: You're welcome, this is a lot more than you paid for my friend.
Griffin: Gauge one of your ears, really big.
Travis: Shrink the other one
Griffin: Shrink one ear, entirely.
Justin: I guarantee you, if you do that no one will notice you are bald, guaranteed. I think in short: shave it. Just shave it and get done with it.
Travis: One of the funniest guys I know outside of my family: Brental Floss made that decision like just shaved his head. So much cooler now, great looking guy, very funny, popular with the ladies...it's a look, it's a look that you need to convince your brother. Now how do you convince your brother to do it, you do it while he's sleeping.
Justin: And probably try to get some facial hair, just something down there.
Travis: You should shave his head and glue that hair to his face.
Justin: Yeah I like it.
Griffin: I personally think that you shouldn't encourage him to go bald.
Justin: Why?
Griffin: I think I just I...you guys couldn't convince me to go bald is the thing. I'm thinking about it from the brother's perspective. If you guys came to me and were like hey, bro, you gotta get rid of that hair. There’s no way, there's no force on Earth that could force me to part with my...
Travis : Griffin, I could change your mind right now.
Griffin: Okay
Travis: If you shave your head right now you could shave 3 seconds off your lap time in the pool.
Griffin: Dammit
Justin : Griffin I’m afraid you've misunderstood the premise of the show. See when you try to take our advice into the real world and apply them practically to your situation that's when things, that's when the wheels really fall off. The idea with my brother, my brother, and me is that we give an answer that'll have them saying "hey, yeah, exactly, why don't I just do that?" and then as soon as they try to apply it and it all collapses around them like a castle made of lies.

Question #6 (20:44) Edit

I'm just recently graduated from college at Berkeley and I packed my bags and moved away to the San Francisco peninsula with my boyfriend for a job at Stanford. Our friends in Berkeley are too lazy to come visit us (we visit them) and we have no friends on the peninsula. How do you meet people and make friends after college especially 20-somethings? We are both nerdy people who like video board games and comic books [Justin: not video board games, not like the clue VHS game. Travis: 221 Baker Street. Justin: Nightmare]. We prefer to meet other well-adjusted nerds. The problem with this is that most nerds I’ve met are single men and are awkward and uninterested when we approach them as a couple, but try to ask me out when I don't have my boyfriend around [Travis: Bleh]. This happened recently [Justin: Yeah, gross] when I went to a local board game shop and asked if they had a game night. We don't need to meet nerds, but we also want to have some stuff in common with our future fantastic friends.- Steph from Gmail
Justin: That is a tough question!
Travis : Yup.
Griffin: It's like a treatise of everything that's wrong with the nerd culture right now.
Justin: Yeah, right.
Griffin: It’s a nice summation of everything that's terrible.
Justin: Yeah I mean...[heavy sigh]
Travis : If it's any indication, the questions that we get apparently, all nerdy people are nervous about talking to all other nerdy people.
Justin: Yeah, oooh wait a minute, ok I've got it. You don't, you need to realize that nerdy couples are still made of two nerdy people, they're gonna feel just as uncomfortable as they did in the mating. Well you are in another mating process here. This is a mating negotiation, that doesn't end with um conception. It ends with...
Travis : Inception
Justin: ...inception and going to see it together
Griffin & Travis: BAHHHHMM
Justin: Um it ends with, you know, sitting around a table and playing some last on earth, something nerdy.
Griffin : The fact of the matter is that making friends, meeting new people that will then become friends and not like acquaintances but straight up friends, is more difficult than meeting members of the opposite sex.
Justin : I think it's also more difficult than once you're in a couple, because I think when you're solo you can sort of make those negotiations a lot easier. You can pretend to be somebody you're not when you're flying by yourself. But when you're in a couple it's sorta like that person's going to know what's up and you they gotta like the situation you're in too.
Griffin : That's intimidating, I mean if you're looking for people to meet at a bar you don't go to the couple that sitting by themselves at a table like “hey guys what's up you having the Buffalo wings huh. Lemme get down, lemme just snack num num num".
Travis : I stand by the as far as meeting friends you always do good meeting people at work meeting people at hobbies that you're both doing like if you if you guys join a pottery class or go to the coffee shop or something like that. Anything like that where it's not just random strangers but people you know, but that doesn't always mean you're going to meet the best people 'cause you're limited to the people in that group. But it's you know, people that you know.
Justin : You could put...at work put up like a flyer on campus that says " hey we're... does anybody want to play some board games or something together for couples only, couple nerd night" and then organize it.
Travis : Maybe don't make it sound so sad though.
Griffin: Yeah that's an awfully tight filter to put on that... I think just a flyer with your personal phone number and the message "who wants to party?”.
Travis : Couple looking to share fun with another couple.
Griffin : Yeah something like that, something very open and honest and...
Travis : Looking for open couple to share with other open couple.
Justin : That's good 'cause you want open honesty um...
Griffin : In big block letters...
Travis : And adventure.
Griffin: ... couple looking for other couple for foursome but then in much smaller letters: for Scrabble.
Justin : Maybe, uh and you want to go back and forth between a few different games, so make sure that they're willing to swing.
Griffin: Mmhmm
Justin : You wanna say that in the flyer like “looking for a couple open-minded couple willing to swing".
Griffin: And maybe you can play that hot new board game from Mattel "Key Party"
Justin: Yeah, down for "Key Party"? Uh maybe a convention would be good some sort... go to Comic-Con or something and look for women dressed as superheroes 'cause you know they didn't do that on their own...that's just science. Steph, I’m sorry that we don't have more practical help for you here.
Griffin: This I mean Jesus if I knew this then, we need to listen to another podcast like my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother, and me.
Justin : And my super well-adjusted uncle who's way cool.
Griffin: And the only thing they do on that show, the only thing they do on that show is give us advice. And they can tell me how to do this because I’m right there in the same boat, except without a significant other.
Travis : I'm starting to realize that everyone's kind of just floating through this void of nobody knows how to talk to anybody else like...
Justin: It's true.
Travis : We just get so many questions about how do I start conversations? How do I meet people? Everybody we are not solitary beings and people that feel solitary is because they are the most afraid and they are the...
Griffin: Unless you are on the reality show Solitary and then you're totes alone.
Travis : Agreed.
Justin : You might try, I know this seems counterintuitive considering what we just talked about, but you might try Facebook. There’s certainly, there's got to be some like San Francisco gaming groups on Facebook. Maybe go there and say "hey we're looking for couples to hang out with, we're new to the area".
Griffin : The trick is for couples, the trick is to find that one couple that you can be cool with. And then they know 8 or 9 other couples, especially if they have lived on the San Francisco peninsula for a while.

Question #7 (26:57) Edit

Hey MbMbaM, I'm always, always hungry. There literally isn't a time when I couldn't eat. I'm not a fat guy, but I fear I may become one. What should I do? Keep up the amazing work, especially the deep voice guy who isn't Justin or Griffin, I like him- Harrison, Gmail
Travis : I like you too Harrison.
Justin : Harrison I do want to clarify for you, that is how people become fat guys, so that's not like a fear like something ephemeral that may...like no you will, that won't happen.
Griffin : I'm afraid of ghost and also that I'll get fat if I eat too much food.
Travis : That’s not a fear.
Justin : Yeah, um...
Travis : I know that I feel the same way, as we discussed previously, I could literally always eat something at any point in the day. But really that is because I'm just massively bored um and usually boredom leads to hunger, so maybe try a Sudoku instead of a sandwich.
Griffin : Hunger leads to fear.
Travis : Get a Gameboy, all of these things help.
Justin : Oh my God Harrison you have a tapeworm! Harrison you have a tapeworm, you have to go to the doctor.
Griffin : But wait if he has a tapeworm, then he won't get fat right?
Travis : Yeah, he's safe.
Griffin : ‘Cause the tapeworm will eat all the food for him.
Justin : But the tapeworm will eat all the food before he can digest it and use its energy, and he'll eat all the good food too.
Travis : What if he's pregnant?
Justin : Oh my God Harrison.
Griffin : With a tapeworm.
Justin : You’re pregnant with a tapeworm baby. Congratulations!
Travis : You’ve got a tapeworm baby, oh God.
Justin : I shall name him Philip, he is my tapeworm baby and I love him. It's just like that movie Junior, except he is a tapeworm and Arnold Schwarzenegger is always hungry so it's just like the movie Junior except for the tapeworm bit.
Griffin: I went to the Sears baby department and they had no clothes that would fit my tapeworm baby.
Justin: I ended up with a pantyhose for super skinny ladies, that's what I had to walk out of there with. Can you imagine the look on Philips face when I hand him that?I sewed a little Ducky on to it, but I still don't think it's going to fly. But I love him, and he is my child, and he is going to go to college.
Travis : And I'm planning a playdate with my neighbor's monkey baby.
Griffin : Harrison, don't eat anymore, just pump the brakes. Find something to do that takes up hours of the day that you...
Justin: The fact that you are not a fat guy yet does not make a special. Like yeah fat people feel that way too, that's why they're fat. It's not like...what how could this happen, like this is how it happens and you start out this way, and then you eat so much that you turn fat.
Griffin : When you're fat you can go back and you can chart out a history of Double Down's that made you what you are now.
Justin : Listen Harrison just pump the brakes, listen to my brother Griffin, just slow it down if you want to eat something.
Travis : Don't. Just don't.
Justin : Like lots of people think that way. It could be that the food you're eating is too good. Did you try eating healthy food? 'Cause if you only have healthy food in the house, then you won't want to eat as much, because it doesn't taste very good.
Griffin : Or just get moderately poor.
Travis : Yeah.
Griffin : To the point where you can't really afford a lot of food.
Justin : Oh that's good I like that but then you'll start eating out of the garbage.
Griffin : Yeah, don't do that.
Travis : Like a giant raccoon.
Justin : The tapeworm will wrap around...Philip will wrap around his brain, and make him go to the garbage and start eating out of it, I'm starving.
Griffin : I have a yahoo answer, that um it kind of goes against one of core tenants here at my brother, my brother, and me but it's...but I feel like it's going to open up a really interesting dialogue between the three of us. So I think worth the infraction against our own rules.
Justin: Okay
Griffin : But if I read the title and you guys don't want to go ahead with it like I'll totally understand, it won't hurt my feelings at all. It was sent in by listener Benjamin Carl, the man so nice they named him twice, and the question itself was crafted by Floyd Brewer who asks...

Yahoo #2 (31:15) Edit

I am trying to get my son trained to defecate in a bag instead of a toilet or diaper any suggestions or tips? My wife and I are very environment conscious and have been thinking of ways to teach this to our three-year-old son, he isn't potty trained yet, and we don't really want him formally trained to use a toilet; which we believe wastes water and drains resources. My wife and I started going in bags about two years ago [Justin (crying): No you didn't!] and we use the excrement, blended with other materials, to fertilize our garden, and also sell it to friends for extra spending money. But we have had problems getting him to squat, and be patient enough to go [Justin: No shit!]. How can we encourage him? Prizes? Punishment? What has worked for you?- Sent in by Benjamin Carl
Travis : Go in the bag damn it! Go in the bag!
Griffin : You shit in that bag or so help me.
Justin : Derek, so help me if you don't shit in that bag.
Griffin : Derek you shit in that bag or you are grounded.
Justin : Hey, I'm sorry.
Travis : Someone’s...
Justin : I'm sorry weirdo but punishment are you going to levy against this child that even approaches the social punishment of going to school the first day and asking the teacher where you can go shit in a bag.
Travis : Excuse me where is the shit bag room?
Griffin: He totally preempted that because in the additional details he says: "he won't need a bag to be packed into his backpack because he will be home schooled. Again he doesn't have to worry about being made fun of because he will be home schooled." B**** listen, school that's one part of that kid's life, how about mall? How about next time he goes to the mall, and he's at the arcade, and he feels a deuce coming and he has to bag it right there.
Justin : Where’s your bag dispenser?
Travis : Where’s your bag dispenser?!
Justin : What about the first time he goes to the produce department at the grocery store and gets confused as f***.
Griffin : Hey where's the human shit and who made it is that like an in-house thing that you guys provide. Is that a service?
Travis : There’s one nugget, pardon the pun, of this question that sticks in my head and that is...
Justin : Haha pardon the pun, sticks in my hair, what.
Travis : Selling it to their friends for extra spending money, who the f*** are your friends?
Griffin : Is there a jar somewhere that they just slide their extra change into that they got from selling their human shit to their very real friends, and then when that jar gets full they go to Disney World. This is human poop we're talking about.
Justin : If you really want to help your child here's how you do it: you put the child on the porch, you scatter your fecal matter around your home, and you burn it down with you inside it. There is literally no way that child could be better off than you and your wife doing the right thing here, and burning your house down with you inside it. It is the only choice you have.
Travis : I don't know that this is true, but I have to imagine that a child protective services goes through the internet looking for things exactly like this.
Griffin: Nahhh
Justin : Have to right?
Griffin: Nahh, this is cool. I mean it's pretty much a science project if you think about it. Nah it’s that green movement you can't, Child Protective Services isn't going to do s*** about this.
Travis: More like a brown movement.
Justin : You monster. Hey, it looks like you're just cupping your child's naked bottom with your hands. No it's cool I have a bag on him.
Griffin : There’s a bag here.
Justin : And I'm trying to get it to poop in the bag.
Travis : The little bastard just won't do it, thinks he's too good for pooping in a bag.
Griffin : Punishment?
Justin : Punishment? What punishment? You going to rub his nose in it? F***
Griffin: Did you just, honey did you just hear a flush? Derek!
Justin: Derek did you bring a toilet into this house?! You know, it is such a fine line. Children cannot be the defining line between crazy person and unconventional parent. You can't just cross the line because you had a kid, you can't just be like no now I'm normal I just want to teach my child different things. You're still a crazy person! You're still insane! It's 2010 dog, it's 2010.
Griffin : Also...
Travis : It worries me that there's another person in this world, there is more than one person, there are two people, and they found each other that find it okay to poop in a bag.
Justin: Hey if you're worried about finding your special somebody, it’ll never happen, look at these two fuckups.
Griffin : Do you think it's okay for them to make pee in a toilet? To make water?
Justin : No, they go to the garden.
Griffin : That can't be good for the plants.
Justin : It’s terrible for the plants, what do they care?
Griffin : I need to find out what state these people live in, and never buy any produce that came from that state 'cause maybe that's how shit rolls in Montana. Like maybe that's a common thing there.
Justin : Literally
Griffin : This this question is indicative of my terrible fear that there are giant parts of the country that I know nothing about where things like this happen, on the reg.
Travis : Where there's just poop everywhere.
Justin : Did you uh, thank you for coming to the farmer's market. Did you want to buy some of my plums? They’re really dope, I fertilize them with my friends fecal matter, they're currently training their kid to poop in a bag.
Griffin : Not just my friend. It's my friend’s son’s fecal matter and it gives the eggplants here...just they're just so firm, they're so, so firm.
Justin: So firm, the skin is so tight.
Travis : AAACK. I'm so disgusted right now.
Justin : What could be...like you gotta...people like this have gotta pull the camera back. You're worried about the planet. Cool. Why? Well we're going to have kids on this planet someday and we want to take care of it for them. Cool. Did you know your kid doesn't care if its 7 degrees hotter in July because they're experiencing that heat while pooping in a bag?
Travis : Isn’t the whole point of it to make the world a better place for your kid; like we did that by inventing toilets.
Griffin : Categorically, a worse place because of your son.
Travis : Because you have a son that's pooping in a container that's not a toilet.
Justin : Forget about the world for him, like I don't care about this kid anymore, he's dead to me. Nothing's coming good out of this. But here's a new game I want to start playing on my brother, my brother, and me and it's called "Things you never hear the President say" and number one on my list is: "yeah my parents trained me to poop in a bag but I basically...basically I still poop in a bag"
Griffin : They did it...they did it, through a punishment regimen, that was strict but fair.
Travis : I don't want to know what that entails.
Justin : Yeah um the idea of this is still like; it's going to haunt me I think, because I think the world is different now for me a little bit. 'Cause there are people like this...this is not a guy who's f****** with us. This is a real guy in the world.
Travis: Somewhere there is a couple that made eye contact one night and said: “you know honey I've been thinking about it and the decision is made, it’s time for us to start pooping in bags."
Justin : How do you bring that up with your loved one? Do you see them going to the toilet one day and just go ahhhh...
Griffin : There’s a better way.
Travis : You know, I've been thinking.
Justin: Ahhhh, wait a minute honey.
Griffin : We’re wasting a lot of water here, maybe let's just...
Travis : Follow me, follow me.
Griffin : Maybe just bag it? Because that doesn't waste any resources, that's a natural...
Justin : Oh thank God you said that.
Griffin : If you didn't want to waste resources, you would just go shit directly on your crops, just go shit directly out on your flower bed.
Justin : Instead of doing what you're doing right now, which is shitting directly on your kid.
Travis : Honey I have one question for you, paper or plastic?
Justin : Delicious.
Griffin: Let’s end it.
Justin : Hey I'm going to stick with burn your house down with you inside it. But not the kid, it's not the kids fault. Except, if he does it, if he does this crazy thing you're telling him to do, then he's not made of strong enough stock to survive in this world we live in right now.
Griffin: Although he will be the best hobo, he will be the most conscientious hobo ever.
Justin : He’ll be like the MacGyver of hobos, like toothless Jim will be like, Derek I thought you said you had to use the bathroom. I totally did.
Griffin: See that Wendy's bag? Don't go to that.
Justin : Don’t go to that bag.
Griffin : Not that bag, or that bag, or that bag, or that 'cause I only do that in bags, that's kind of my thing. That's why they call me Stink bag Derek.
Justin : The coolest thing about this environmentally sound couple, they use one industrial sized trash bag for every bowel movement. One giant plastic bag for everyone.
Travis : Oh, I'm so sad.
Justin : I don't even wanna like, I don't even want to end the show, I just want to end my life, at this point. Is that possible? Can we do that? Can we work that out?
Griffin : Let's suffer through it.

Housekeeping (40:15) Edit

Justin : Okay uh I want to hear Griffin's last question. I don't really, but I'm going to say that I want to hear Griffin's last question because that's what I say before I tell you about MbMbaM.com. That is our website there we have, it is going to be revamped. I would expect it this week.
Griffin: Well it's not put a timetable on it, ‘cause we don't want...
Justin : There’s no timetable, hopefully very soon and trust me when I say you guys have both seen it now right? It’s bomb.
Travis : It’s dope, it's absolutely fresh.
Justin : You’re going to be in love with. So thank you guys, in advance for that and we're gonna have some new gear on the store pretty soon.
Griffin : Survival gear
Justin : Survival gear
Griffin : Things like pickaxes, hatchets, compasses...compai...is that the plural?
Justin: Yup.
Travis : Yep, that’s right.
Justin: Thank you to people on the internet, on the Twitter, spreading the world, spreading the word, sorry...not the world. People like: Mitch D, our boy Mitchy D is always out there, putting it out there. We got uh...let's see.
Travis: I want to throw out a special shout-out to Magic whiskey, on Twitter. Not only a fan of the show, but just went and saw Dracula at Cincinnati Shakespeare company. Thank you so much for helping me convince my bosses that this whole internet thing is going to be around for a while.
Justin : A special happy birthday to mauled by Jesus, Brooks turns 30 on the 28th so we're not going to get to talk to him again before then, so congratulations and happy birthday on the big 3-0
Griffin : Five more years and you can run for President.
Justin : Did you we also got an email this week from Molly the listener of... of hey hon how's your day fame. She said that they loved the advice and that writing into MbMbaM was the nicest thing he's ever done for her. Which doesn't speak real great Chris.
Travis : That’s kinda sad.
Griffin : God, this episode is crushing.
Justin : It’s crushingly depressing. Anyway, if you want to ask us a question MbMbaM.com is the place for that. Make sure you join our Facebook group, there's a link right there. We are up to 1,488 members so get on there, join that group. People putting really funny pictures up. Did you see Dominic Annello put up a picture of him in a man sized jar that his wife made for him? He's got a little twig and a leaf in there; you guys gotta go to the group and check it out.
Griffin: I like that.
Justin: It’s wonderful stuff.
Griffin: One thing that we don't, we haven't requested people do in a while is if you can get on that iTunes tip, and just leave a review.
Justin: God, that would be huge.
Griffin: Leave a review and a rating, that would just, it takes a few minutes and it really helps us out.
Travis : I am sick and tired of Adam Corolla running his mouth non-stop, he calls me every day. Says, hey look who is number one, and I go yeah Adam, that's great.
Justin: Yeah Adam we get it. Just review it and tell all your friends to review it. We had another listening party this week. It's listening, it's my brother, my brother, and me fan club delta has been formed.
Griffin: We're getting up there, I can't wait for Omicron or Upsilon or Rho.
Justin: So thank you to everybody doing that, and if you have one of those parties, make sure everybody logs into their iTunes accounts right afterwards and gives us a great review. So that's enough selling ourselves and I need to go poop in a bag, so maybe Griffin can just wrap it up with a final question.
Griffin: Sure, um this one was sent in by Matty B, thank you Matty B. It's by Yahoo answers user Yidiot, with a Y who asks:

Final Yahoo (44:25) Edit

My urine smells like Worcestershire sauce, what gives? - Sent in by Maddy B.
Justin: I'm Justin McElroy
Travis : I'm Travis McElroy
Griffin: I'm Griffin McElroy
Justin: This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad square on the lips.

Quotes Edit

"I think if you're thinking about your death, your eventual death, you're always going to make the best decision."- Justin McElroy

"You need to live like you're dying, and then die like you're dying."- Travis McElroy

Trivia Edit

In this episode Justin makes up a rap about excessive saliva

Deep Cuts Edit

Mention of Griffin's continued loneliness in this episode

References & Links Edit

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