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Transcript Edit

Introduction Edit

Griffin: Live - Live from the spot. Rough and raw, at our daddy's house. We're at our daddy's house. Let me check the date. I just opened up the calendar, it's Pasta Party 2011.
Justin: Welcome to our daddy's house. We're live from our daddy's couch-
Griffin: Let me check the spaghettometer, because it looks like we're going full-blown pasta!
Travis: Spaghett-it-on!
Griffin: Spaghettageddon! 2011!
Justin: As you well know, as you've probably guessed we had a, we carbo loaded pre-show here in Ironton. Our stepmom Carol fed us a bunch of spaghetti, we're fuckin' primed for comedy-
Travis: Force-fed us spaghetti! Against our will!
Justin: She looked down our throat and said "You're not fuckin' funny enough eat some more spaghetti!"
Griffin: She shoved spaghett fist-full after fist-full of sweet spaghett into my mouth. I am ready to blow.
Justin: Noodle up, you unfunny fucks! Time to get spaghett! You dumb [chuckles] you got spaghett!
Travis: Spa-got, you fucker!
Justin: You got spaghotten!
Griffin: For real though, rough and raw. I know people have become accustomed to a certain level of editing juice applied to this show... This is not gonna be one of those eps this is gonna be rough, raw: just cut it, set it, forget it.
Justin: I, uh, I, we- we are gathered around one mic; the last time we did this, two of us were jet-lagged-
Travis: And I was drunk!
Justin: And Travis was drunk. So it's not gonna be like this. This is My Brother, My Brother and Me, it's an advice show for the modren era. I am your most excellent eldest brother, Justin McElroy.
Travis: And I am the middlest brother, Travis McElroy.
Griffin: And I'm Griffin. And I'm a child.
Justin: This is an advice show, we take your questions and turn them into advice. I am drinking a Red Stripe, so this show is coming to you straight from the islands. Feel the rhythm!
Travis: I've got a Red Stripe going, and an amber brown. No, honey brown, excuse me.
Justin: I just spilled it on my... Travis, Travis got a beer before we started and then said "I'm gonna need a beer." He had a beer, he has a backup beer waiting-
Travis: So just so you guys know, if I need an extra burst of energy you'll hear a quiet [hissing noise of Travis emulating beer can opening, making 'ahh' sound].
Justin: And you'll know, because we'll draw attention to it. Uh, our first question-
Griffin: At some point, also, our daddy is gonna come in the room and take pictures of us, no joke, and it's gonna be super distracting, it's gonna throw us off whatever dope rhythm we're on. So get ready for that moment.
Justin: I hope he's not, at the, if he is, if he comes through that door in the single tier because he just heard you said that I'm never forgiving you.

Question #1 (3:05) Edit

"I am getting married this summer, and one of my groomsmen is getting married a few months after me. He is having a very small destination wedding, and has decided to specifically not give his friends plus ones, even if they are married. My soon-to-be wife is understandably upset about this; some people she talked to think that I should decline to go to the wedding because she wasn't invited. Ideally I would like my fiancée to be invited, but I also understand my friend's choice to not invite any plus ones, given how small the wedding will be. How can I support my good friend and my fiancée at the same time?" -- Tristan (Not the Marine)

Griffin: Tristan, Tristan, civilian Tristan.
Justin: Civilian Tristan. Civi Trist. [brothers collectively sigh] Wow. That is...
Griffin: "Susan, Susan you didn't want to go to Cabo anyway, right? You were just talking the other week about how much you hate destination weddings."
Travis: "Don't take this personally, but Derek specifically does not want you there."
Justin: It's a destination, the destination is Des Moines. It's not gonna be a big deal. Man, that's brutal. What a great way to start off your wedding life, just pissing off everybody. [Brothers agree]. I honestly think that, straight up-
Travis: You can't go.
Justin: -I wouldn't go. I mean, honestly, I mean like if they, it's just. The thing is about a wedding is, as much as it is for you guys, it's just as much, if not more so, for the people who are gathered there. I know it's their special day and what all, but I think that it's, it is a slight, I mean it's like a, it's a-
Travis: It's especially a slight because it's your friend, like, who's in your wedding, saying, like, whether he has thought about it or not, saying "Hey I know you just got married and are happily wedded for all of three months, but you're gonna need to leave her behind." Like, that's, that's a dick move.
Justin: Yeah, especially, he's getting married a few months after the question-asker, so she's gonna be your wife when that happens. You can't leave your wife behind, especially, ESPECIALLY not if you're going someplace nice. Like really, that is not the way to kick off your-
Griffin: Destination weddings are the most whorish thing you can do, right?
Travis: Yeah, it's terrible already.
Justin: The only way it flies with me is if you invite no one. If it's just like, we were creepy sneaky and we bolted out of there, please come and give us presents in a big room-
Griffin: What about web cast wedding.
Justin: Web. Cast. It.
Griffin: Who's invited? Everyone! 'Cause everyone's got an internet connection nowadays.
Justin: You got ustream on that phone? You're invited.
Griffin: Justin.tv my wedding. Please.
Justin: I'm happy to tv anyone's wedding, by the way. It's for a very reasonable fee.
Travis: Thank you.
Justin: Um, honestly Tristan? You are going to learn, very soon, that um, choosing the side of your wife is almost never not the right thing to do. I'm not sure how the negatives are-
Griffin: How fucked up is your friend that he's like "I want you to come, but not your other half. Not your better half."
Travis: And I say that kudos to you, for realizing how big an issue, this is a great step-
Justin: God, you are ahead of the fuckin' game, bro! Good job, I'm proud of you!
Griffin: See ya, honey!
Travis: A worser man would've been like "Hey, did I remember to pack my trunks, and my goggles, but not my wife? Ok, cool, I'm out."
Griffin: "Got the Banana Boat, uh-"
Justin: "Don't have Barbara."
Griffin: "Don't have my S.O."
Justin: Sorry. Sorry, Tristan. I know that's awkward. But honestly, you, that's the kind of awkward you can feel good about. Especially if you're gonna be married, you gotta get used to, you guys are a team now. It's a package deal. Especially if you're gonna be like legally married. It's not like she's your girlfriend, it's a package deal.
Travis: It might be worth it to talk to your groomsman and be like, "Hey, I'm bringing her." And if he's like "Well, it's a small wedding" then say "Ok then I can't come."
Griffin: Yeah, put that shit back on him, put that ball right back in his court.
Justin: Yeah, this is his decision to make. It's you two or nothin'.

Question #2 (6:58) Edit

"On Mother's Day, I took my mom to a nice cafe in NYC for lunch. After we finished eating, she needed to use the restroom; however, there was a woman ahead of her on the line, and both of them had to wait for a long time for the occupant to finish, even though the men's room remained unoccupied. I told her she should just have used the men's room, it was as clean as the women's, the only difference between the two bathrooms was the sign on the door. They were both single toilet rooms, so there was no danger of running into someone of the opposite sex in the bathroom. It's also fairly common for women to use the men's room at an overcrowded bar. [Griffin interjects "Is it?"] What is someone supposed to do in a situation like this? Is the inverse true for men using the women's restroom?" -- Jordan

Griffin: F- God, no!
Travis: No, of course not.
Justin: No to all of that?
Griffin: No to everything! Here's what's up: when you are a gentleman (or a lady) living and surviving and just barely getting by on the skin of your teeth and your charm alone with irritable bowel syndrome, like, when you see a wrong-gender person in your right bathroom you get so fucking angry! You get so angry cause it's like: for me it's always an emergency, so it's like, "I have to go right now, but I can't go; there better be a goddamn great explanation for this."
Travis: I'm going to counterpoint by saying I love using the ladies room. You know, it's always painted better, it's cleaner.
Justin: It's weird how they have lounges sometimes that guys don't have.
Travis: Better hand soap.
Griffin: Are you guys being serious?
J&T: Yeah, sure, sure.
Griffin: Is there a legal law that says you can't do that?
Justin: A legal law? No. It's street law.
Griffin: Did someone take a bill to Congress and pass it with the President that said you can't do that?
Travis: No! It's just signs!
Justin: If you in there with the intention of being a sneaky, creepy peeper, I think that that is illegal.
Travis: Yeah, that is not cool.
Griffin: When I get rid of waste in the bathroom I call it peeping, so you'll have to be much more specific. I'm always creepy about it.
Justin: What is the problem? They're just holes.
Griffin: What, your butt-hole and your pee-hole?
Justin: No!
Griffin: Oh, like a lady's vagina?
Justin: No, no! The holes that you leave the bad things in. They're just holes. What does it matter?
Travis: The turlet holes.
Justin: Why are you so adherent to society's rules, is what I'm saying?
Travis: Have you seen a little show called "Ally McBeal"? Unisex bathrooms, my friend! Way-good feature!
Griffin: I get it, but listen: My worst fear 100% of the time, even when I'm not peeping, my worst fear is that somebody's going to walk in on me in the bathroom. If I'm in the men's room, and somebody walks in and sees my bits and everything, and a full grown poop coming out of me - if a dude sees that I am haunted. I am aghast. If a woman sees it, I will commit seppuku on the S-P-O-T.
Travis: I'll tell you right now, the biggest fear is when I'm using the bathroom (the ladies room) and the handle jiggles. And then you're trapped in this situation where- "Oh no..."
Griffin: Yeah, like, "Are you done?" and you're like "I am now!" [Falsetto] "OCCUPIED!" I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders now!
Travis: And then you have to do a Mrs. Doubtfire-style, put the cake on your face and sneak out before they realize you're a dude.
Justin: I want to point something out about bathrooms that made me laugh today. Actually, it was yesterday that it occurred to me. I was at the movie theaters in the bathroom. For me, it does not get better than when two guys are in a bathroom and one guy just toots like it's nothing. Like all of society's rules have crumbled around him, and there's nothing more hysterical than a guy dropping it like, "What!"
Griffin: "What's up!"
Travis: "Check it!"
Justin: "Check that out! Check what I just did for you."
Travis: "What are you going to say now?"
Justin: "What's up? Who's ruling this roost?"
Griffin: You guys want a Yahoo?
J&T: Yeah.
Griffin: This spaghetti-fueled Yahoo was brought to you by Nick Jensen. Thank you Nick Jensen... and Ragu! Thank you Ragu! It's by Yahoo Answers user Darcy B, who says:

Question #3 (11:07) Y Edit

Should I tryout for 'my sweet 16' or '16 and pregnant'?

I really want my 15 minute fame so I am going to try and get on MTV. I was thinking maybe my parents could throw a big party for me and I could appear on 'my sweet 16' Although if I signed up for '16 and pregnant' I could also go on teen mom after wards, this would get me more chance in the public eye.

Travis: Uh huh, so she's saying, "Should my parents throw me a big party, or should I get knocked up?"
Griffin: "Should I get pregnant, and then get double fame?"
Justin: No, this is ridiculous. This is so stupid. Have the Super Sweet 16-
Griffin: Announce during Super Sweet 16, "By the way, I'm-
Travis: "Going to get knocked up." Make the Sweet 16 about knocking her up! Like it's a knocking-up themed party.
Justin: So it's a Super Duper Sweet 16.
T&G: Yeah.
Justin: I think that in this high-pressure society, you have to try to get on as many TV shows as possible.
Travis: We can do Super 16, and 16 And Pregnant, and also maybe you have a really challenging cake you need baked for your party, and you also get on Cake Boss.
Griffin: What's the one where they make the real-ass little baby girls look like creepy-ass porcelain dolls?
Justin: That's not on MTV.
Griffin: Oh, we're talking single-channel?
Justin: Single channel. Here's what I'm suggesting.
Griffin: X-Factor?
Justin: True Life, I'm A Woman In A Man's Body, and then you do Maid.
Griffin: At that point you are an unofficial MTV VJ.
Travis: You're basically Sway at that point.
Justin: And then what you want to do is get on Super Sweet 16, during the party get knocked-up. Chain it.
Travis: An entire, nine year career...
Justin: A c-c-c-c-combo.
Griffin: I have to be honest, I'm not sure the human frame can withstand...
Justin: Can your frame handle the fame, is my question? Are you famous enough? Actually, that is the plot to Real Housewives Of New Jersey, so I think they've got that trademarked. Poor Sway. He's doing his best. His parents named his Sway! What do you want from him?

Question #4 (13:21) Edit

A couple of weeks ago one of my friends invited me to his bachelor party in Vegas; however, about a week before we were supposed to leave he calls me and says that a couple of guys couldn't make it, so they were going to reschedule it some time during the summer. On the day we were supposed to go to Vegas I got a text from him that was meant for his fiance, saying that they had got to the rooms in Vegas, they were heading out to the casinos. Should I confront him about this? Do I even go to the wedding after I got royally dicked over? Thanks brothers. -- Sulking In San Diego.

Griffin: So they gave this guy the fucking San Diego Slip. And then... what was the guy's follow-up after that? Like, "Oh, I guess I cancelled my bachelor party. We're not having it anymore. Now you don't get to come."
Travis: Well what I love is, I love his optimism that he thinks his friend accidentally sent him that text. Or was he maybe like, "Hey, surprise, we're in our hotel rooms!"
Griffin: "Hey can you get to Vegas?" "Dog, we live in Ann Arbor Michigan - I absolutely can't get down to Vegas." What's up with this show being the theme of dick friends?
Justin: Hey potential groom? You fucked that text up the worst you could possibly do it.
Travis: "We're also having a great time, and so glad Bobby's not here!"
Griffin: "Hey honey, I'm getting my dick wet! Oops, Bobby?! Nooooo!"
Justin: "Why did I marry a girl named Bobby?" So what do you think, that Sulking In San Diego is like the uncool one in the group, and the group wanted to leave him behind?
Griffin: He got a bum rap! And I don't know what to tell you...
Travis: I do. One word: Rampage.
Justin: Oh shi- I like it. Tell me more.
Travis: You're going to Vegas. You're flipping tables. I'm saying roll up to Vegas, sunglasses on, cigarette lit, gun loaded. Flip tables.
Griffin: Chilling with Rampage Jackson, the fighter.
Justin: Yeah. Befriend all the pit bosses you can find.
Travis: [Gasp] Oceans Eleven-style! Huge con job! Steal your dignity back!
Griffin: No, steal the wedding! Look at those flowers! Are those carnations? Gotta get 'em, Danny.
Justin: Oh I like this sulking. You are going to have to go full Oceans Eleven, steal the wedding, hijack heist. Loving it.
Griffin: I've got a tiny Korean man, he jumped through the window of the church and got the whole cake.
Travis: In one jump!
Justin: Is that a priest? Nope - it's Scott Caan.
Travis: And also Casey Affleck is there! We're not 100% sure in what capacity!
Justin: Scott Caan is actually a legal minister though. Minister in the Presbyterian Church. Lot of people don't know that.
Griffin: You guys want another Yahoo?
J&T: Yes please.
Griffin: Oh god, I should have looked at these ahead of time... how about this. This one was sent in by Jakob Locker. It's by Yahoo Answers user Mark. Thank you Jakob Locker for giving us this. Mark asks:

Question #5 (16:14) Y Edit

Why is this woman farting on my wife at the gym?

Every time my wife and I go to the gym, a lady, probably in her mid 40s, decides to go near her and fart. The first few times my wife would give me a funny look and we would later laugh about it. [Griffin: We'll get back to that!] But by the 7th or 8th time, my wife has become considerably annoyed. She even said to the woman "Excuse you" and the woman completely ignored her, farted again, and walked away. Should we complain to the gym's management? Or could this lady have a problem? It's strange that she ONLY farts on my wife and no one else at the gym.

Travis: Have you checked around!? Did you ask!?
Griffin: It qualifies as a fetish if after 7-8 times all you're doing is saying "Excuse you." Passive aggression is maybe the first time it happens, or the half time it happens, because it's unacceptable.
Travis: And then they punched right in the butt, right?
Griffin: By 7 or 8, we're at like restraining order and/or butt-punches!
Justin: Yeah. By the second time, you should ask if you can pull down the front of her tank top and puke on it.
Travis: I would like to know the look that is exchanged when, "I think this lady just farted on me! Oh-ho-ho-ho!"
Griffin: Yeah, okay, that's the sticking point.
Justin: Stinking point?
Griffin: A human being just expelled gas on your wife, on your betrothed, and what you did is... she looked at you like [sad noises] "Okay, this is going to be a fun story later." No it isn't! You got farted on! That's gross and disrespectful.
Travis: "I can't even look at you anymore."
Justin: "How am I going to make love to you?"
Travis: "By the way I want a divorce."
Justin: "Thank you so much Exercise Debby - you're a bitch."
Griffin: This question was asked two days ago. How many more times is this woman going to continue to terrorize this couple?
Justin: It is one woman, right? Or is it a kind of serial... a 'Jack The Ripper', if you will?
Griffin: She's got some sort of crazy obsession, like fucking One Hour Photo with this wife, only instead of jerking off to pictures of their family's photo she's farting on only the wife at the gym. Cut it out everybody! Cut it out!
Justin: You just ruined the funniest part of that movie.
Travis: At least fart on everybody!
Griffin: I would let Robin Williams fart on me all day long, which is what I think he pretty much did during License to Wed.
Justin: Is it possible that this middle-aged woman is Robin Williams in a way?
Travis: He's really good at that!
Griffin: My favorite part of the email is that she says, "excuse you," in a manner that says, "please leave," and the woman's response is that she farts once more and then dips.
Travis: "Excuse me!"
Justin: "No, fuck you. Out!"
Griffin: [Raspberry] "Nanu nanu!"
Justin: "She's a drive-by tooter!" That's a Doubtfire deep-cut for everybody!
Griffin: What's everybody's favorite line from What Dreams May Come? Bringing them out!
Justin: I like when you can hear Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career just start to slide right down that hill. Griffin, we've been sitting on this couch and it's honestly made me a little stir-crazy.
Griffin: The pasta has actually settled heavy in my belly.
Justin: It makes me want to take a little journey with my two brothers. Do you know where?
Griffin: I don't know where. We've already journeyed so much today.
Justin: To the Money Zone.

Money Zone (20:03) Edit

Justin: So we've got a very happy birthday message to one Cherylin, this is from her children Elise and Jordan. I hope they don't listen!
Travis: Well, they are 4 and 2, so if they do listen... wow, they either don't understand, or they do understand so deeply.
Griffin: First of all, these kids have no idea of who Robin Williams is.
Justin: We should actually have... you know how deaf people have an interpreter there. We need something like that for kids.
Griffin: Can we get Robin Williams?
Justin: He's like Barney...
Travis: We can get Robin Williams to interpret for himself.
Justin: This is how I relate to... he's the Genie in Aladdin.
Griffin: Well, there's that, but I mean even that... "You know the man you see on TV sometimes, and he looks like he is on his third or fourth heart, and also his hands are carpeted?"
Travis: Just relate it to Death To Smoochy. Kids love that movie.
Justin: So this is for Cherilyn. The message is from Jordan and Eloise.
Griffin: These kids are super fucking smart! They can put sentences together and everything.
Justin: She is an editor of scientific documents, particularly for French scientists, which means that she's probably smarter than the whole couch.
Travis: Or a secret agent. That sounds like a job that someone comes up with, like, "Oh, she edits science documents for..."
Justin: Doesn't that seem like that's every role that Nicole Kidman has ever played in a movie. "I'm a science editor for French scientists."
Griffin: I'm not okay with you taking French science and giving it the ol' American spit-shine. I would prefer that we keep our science here in our borders, safe and sound.
Justin: Right, we had to develop our science.
Griffin: And you're just giving it away for free for France. Or whatever you salary is. What I'm saying is that I'll pay your salary. Stop it. Stop doing it. I'll put your kids through college.
Justin: So, the little kids aren't listeners yet. We hope that when they get to be older they will be listeners. Cherilyn, we'll drop happy birthday to you. We hope you have a great one.
Griffin: Well shit, because this just turned this from a birthday message to a time capsule. Hey kids! I hope you're at least 16, so 12 years from now...
Justin: Or a mature 14.
Griffin: Oh, here comes daddy. Hold on, everybody smile.
Justin: It's a time capsule for your kids, and we're making a time capsule right now.
All: [pause to have a photo taken.]
Travis: Oh but my hair looks terrible. No, father...
Justin: So our other journey that we're taking to the Money Zone is our buddy James Gowdy. I don't know if you've seen him.
Griffin: He's active on the twitter.
Justin: Constantly promoting the show.
Travis: And on the beat.
Justin: Because he's a police officer for the London Metropolitan Police - the Met Police - and he is going to be MBMBaM's resident police man.
Griffin: So he's British right?
Justin: Yup.
Griffin: He's a Brit? They don't get guns, right?
Justin: They have all guns. Their arms are guns. They make them surgically replace their arms with guns, and not the chintzy "oh look at the gun-show."
Travis: You mean like an arm cannon.
Justin: Right.
Travis: He fires a pint of Guinness right into someone's face.
Justin: You can find him @gowdyjames on Twitter, if you would like to follow him. Just crush him with followers. Oh, he says I should throw in my "English" accent too, so here's what I think it sounds like when a British person is a cop.
Griffin: Hold on, wait, why don't I just play the song, the jingle, and you can play British cop lyrics over it. [Griffin starts playing guitar]
Justin: [In a bad Cockney accent]
He's Gowdy, but she's not doubt-dy
She's a French scientist... editor
He's a cop on the beat
She joins him... on the street
Unconventional partners!
Workin' the beat!
It's Gowdy and not doubt-dy, Cherilyn
Hey there's a crime
Can you make it rhyme with tree?
Oui! 
That's the only French word I know
Gowdy and not doubt-dy, Cherilin
Cancelled after three episodes
Rabid fan-base
Conventions
Yeah they got them
Gowdy and not doubt-dy, Cherilin
Hey Eloise, hey other kid
(sorry I scrolled away from your name)
Happy birthday!
Happy 14th and 16th birthday!
Asynchronous twins
French science, British crime!
Gowdy and not down-ny!
Yeah she's never pouty
Guv'er'nuh? 
Lovin' 'er? 
I should say so
Gowdy, and not doubt-ti, Cherilyn
Justin: There we go. That's the Money Zone.
Travis: I love it. I looked away for a second, and I was like, woah, is that Liam Gallagher?
Justin: Is he here? So, that was our journey to the Money Zone.
Griffin: They're brothers too! Did you know that, the Strokes?
Travis: If you're interested in joining us on a trip to the Money Zone, you can contact theresa@maximumfun.org. That's Theresa with an H.
Justin: [In bad accent again] I'm a lesbian and I... [stops accent] Okay, that was British.

Question #6 (26:18) Edit

I'm a lesbian and I recently cut my hair, but now I'm having second thoughts. Before, it was all the way down to my waist, and now it's a men's style cut, although still long enough to show my lovely curls. I think it looks cute. It's very well maintained, and it seems to be net positive with the ladies, but I've noticed the strangers are ruder to me. Should I stick it out and get used to getting perceived differently by people, or grow my hair long and lovely again so as to fly under the gay-dar and avoid the occasionally embarrassing mistake about my gender. -- Fan From The Post-Lesbian Apocalypse

Griffin: Is she asking us if she should be proud of her lesbian-ity? Her lesbi-onics?
Justin: She wants to be a lesbian, she doesn't want to be mistaken for a dude. But I do have to tell you though, this decision is largely out of your hands for the next month or so, so here's my advice: try it for a month and see what you think. If you still don't like it, grow it long then.
Griffin: There are worse things than you can be mistaken for than a dude. Do you know what I'm saying?
Justin: Liam Gallagher.
Griffin: No, fucking Bieber. You could get a sweet Bieber bowl, and then you're in a lot of trouble unless your name is Justin, and your last name is Bieber.
Justin: And your middle name is whatever Justin Bieber's name is.
Griffin: Saul
Justin: Justin Saul Bieber.
Travis: Justin Shmool Bieber.
Justin: Nobody ever saw that coming. You know what, it actually is Justin Osama Bieber. A lot of people don't know that. Hussein Bieber.
Griffin: Justin Hannah Montana.
Travis: If you like your haircut, it's yours. It's your haircut - own it.
Justin: Yeah! Fuck people. Listen, if they're going to think you're a dude, they're obviously someone you don't know very well. That's a pretty good litmus test as to whether or not they're useless.
Griffin: "Hey, are you a dude?" "No, like fuck you. Get out of here. I obviously don't want to chill with you."
Justin: "Look at my shapeliness."
Griffin: "Look at my shapely curvaceousness."
Justin: "Look at this bombastic body. Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot, and slightly androgynous, like me?" is my favorite. Pussycat Dolls.
Griffin: There are so many though.
Justin: Buttons is good too. Hushing Up My Buttons, I like that.
Griffin: Mr. Bombastic
Justin: O Holy Night, that's another one.
Griffin: Duel of the Fates.
Travis: The Pussycat Dolls are the most flexible artists of our time!
Justin: Theme from Night Court.
Travis: They are unstoppable!
Griffin: The Declaration of Independence!
Justin: Yeah, that hit song, Declaration of Independence- what!? Now you're just naming documents! The Rosetta Stone, that's them. The Sphynx.
Griffin: The Empire State Building... WHAT ARE WE DOING?!? We are fucked up on pasta. Oh shit...
Justin: Oh my god...
Griffin: Holy shit, Jesus...
Justin: Oh my god... You can just call me a stuffed spaghetti 'cause I am feeling this pasta vibe!
Griffin: How about a Yahoo Answer?
Travis: Yes!
Griffin: Oh Christ... Let's see...
Justin: Declaration of Independence... you thought that was a song in the heat of the moment, didn't you?
Griffin: This one was sent in by John Ramsey. Thank you John Ramsey. It's by Yahoo Answers user Pretty, who asks:

Question #7 (30:00) Y Edit

"Is marrying a robot (with sexual capabilities) or an animal more socially unacceptable?

The robot is designed so that you can "screw" it.

Is marrying a robot (with sexual capabilities) or an animal more socially acceptable?"

Justin: Okay... We're going to pretend we don't live in the same universe as Beast Wars, because I think that really muddies the waters. And Mega Man.
Travis: I think that in the epic court case, Robo v. Bobo...
Justin: You asshole...
Griffin: I think marrying a robot with sex capabilities is more acceptable because I have seen "Lars and the Real Girl", but I haven't seen "Lars and the Real Alligator."
Travis: I think the problem is that every time you introduce someone to your wife, you have to say, "this is my wife - a robot with sexual capabilities."
Griffin: Yeah, check it - she's got holes and everything. She is ready to party.
Justin: Is that better than "This is my wife, Tracy. She's not a real llama."
Griffin: "What's up with that aardvark?" "Don't you talk about my wife like that. We fuck all the time."
Travis: Wait, so we're assuming the animal has sexual capabilities, right? It doesn't specify in the question.
Griffin: I think pretty much all animals... although it depends on the size! Because if we are talking about a porcupine... well, that's a bad example, but I dunno... a hamster? Well still... fuck. There's a lot of sexy animals out there, you guys. It is a minefield.
Justin: The worry, of course, with a fake girl is that you'll create an uncanny valley, and that is the tightest lay you're ever gonna get. Oh man. Just a little less canny.
Griffin: Also, you've got to worry about self-actualiza- what's it called?
Travis: Sentient.
Griffin: Well, I mean, if it's a fuck robot I would hope that it's a sentient or else I would feel like I'm with a vegetable. I'm want somebody who, after a while, figures out this system that I've set up.
Justin: But you don't have to worry about that. Third law of robotics says don't harm a human. Fourth law of robotics - swallow!
Travis: Yeah, this is true.
Griffin: We are in our daddy's house! [Griffin whispers, "We are in our daddy's house."]
Justin: I know.
Travis: Fifth law - anniversary, anything goes! I want to marry a sex robot that has standards.
Griffin: Whisper. [Griffin whispers, "We've got to whisper the rest of this question."]
Travis: [Travis whispers,"I want to marry-"] Nope, I can't do it.
All: [the following is done in whispers]
Justin: You've got to do it. Lean in. We're in our daddy's house.
Travis: I can't go along with this, in whispers.
Justin: Just this question.
Travis: I want to marry a sex robot with standards, rules, like "No, I don't do the butt." That's what I want.
Griffin: If they have that program, you think that will prevent them from going into a killing frenzy?
Travis: If they have certain restrictions.
Griffin: Like, "Roger effs me all the time, but at least he gave me boundaries. He programmed those boundaries in." I dig that, but I want to go wild on that...
Travis: What about... a robot animal? Did we already cover this? Can we not do that? Can we have a robot llama?
Justin: Yeah, we already covered this with the Beast Wars contingent, I established that we cannot-
Griffin: But now Travis wants to really explore that space. I mean, a dog is man's best friend. A robot dog is man's brother. And a robot dog with fuck capabilities...
Justin: Hey, are there any answers? Did anybody dip in to give it a shot?
Griffin: It's "Romans 1:24-27..."
Justin: You fucker. You're going to try to drop the Bible on this person, like they haven't left traditional morality behind a few puppies ago?
Griffin: "Everyone, turn your Bibles to the Book of Robots. It's one chapter, one verse, it's Robots 1:1 - Don't fuck robots, you weirdo." I'm sure there's stuff in the rest of the Bible about fucking animals though.
Justin: Yeah, there's gotta be.
Griffin: But you'll find the Book of Robots... that was in the Dead Sea Scrolls, I believe. If memory serves.
Justin: "If you marry an animal your a freak.....into beastiality ( e.g. a perv ) and ur 'harming' a living creature so its a double dose of perversion."
Griffin: First of all, stop.
Justin: Anyway, just my thi-oughts.
Travis: Stop that!
Griffin: Listen, you are assuming that what I do to my pet llama is harmful, and not beautiful and natural. You know what, think of it this way - did you guys hear about that law, (somebody just passed it, I can't remember which state, probably one of the more fucked up ones) that says you can't have sex with an animal, but they worded it in a way that doesn't exclude human beings, because we're animals. I think it was Florida. You can't fuck in Florida anymore. That's the law. But that law brings up a good point, because we're animals too! I should be able to fuck whatever I want! Robots - not animals, not humanoid. They can be humanoid shaped, but they can't feel the walls of their vagina. It's not [Griffin whispers "real moist" even quieter] is what I'm saying.
All: [end of whispers]
Travis: Usually these things end with big laughs, and then we move on to stuff. Griffin, you've made an excellent case!
Griffin: I just dropped some science on everybody.
Travis: I'm sold!
Griffin: Animals! Case closed!

Question #8 (35:26) Edit

"I'm interested in dating my brother's girlfriend's sister. Is it acceptable for brothers to date sisters? If one pair get married, do the other pair have to immediately break up?" -- Tag Team In Texas

Justin: I feel like this is one of those multi-layered questions where someone's trying to trick us into saying it's okay to have sex with their sister, if we don't incept it enough.
Griffin: Hey, hold on, wait, is your sister an animal? I think she is. She's an animal called "human," called "homo erectus." [Griffin whispers "Get it."]
Justin: Actually she's not human, she's dancer it says here. Okay, so "my brother's girlfriend's sister." I think it's okay. Isn't that the plot of one of the Brady Bunch movies? All of them hook up?
Griffin: Guys, we didn't think of something. Bicentennial Man. You start out with Robin Williams, a pure whole robot. By the end of the movie he's a human being, he's had all of his robot parts replaced with human being parts, and he can feel, and die, and maybe go to heaven. Straight up real people heaven, and not... well, robots don't get anything, but what do you think of that?
Travis: Now we're back to more ambiguity! Dammit!
Griffin: Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt the flow.
Justin: I would argue that if we eventually made him into Robin Williams, he's not a "person."
Travis: I think our bigger concern is once you've open the flood gate on one of them, you're going to end up with robots marrying animals.
Justin: If you've open the Robin Williams floodgate, you better just get out of the way.
Griffin: He really isn't a person anymore, is he?
Travis: He is a typhoon of chuckle!
Griffin: He is a comedy shadow.
Justin: He is a walking awkward. I am unpleasant with him right now.
Griffin: He is negative laughter.
Justin: I am unpleasant with the pall he has cast over this show.
Travis: Nanu na-no.
Justin: Nanu no thanks. Son of a bitch.
Griffin: Don't date your sister, you weird. Your sister-in-law?
Justin: I don't care about one of you gets married. I care about one of you breaking up, because that will take you to the awkward village.
Griffin: "How was your Christmas?" "It was great. There were sword fights, because one of us dated, and the other ones broke up." Just don't do it. That was easy. Romans 1:15-16 says "Don't fuck your sister's sisters."
Justin: Sister's brothers.
Griffin: Don't fuck anyone who was ever on the TV show "Sister Sister." That includes Tahj Mowry.
Travis: Perv.

Question #9 (37:51) Edit

"I recently started to text and talk with an old college friend. It's been five years and we live a few states apart, but things seem to be progressing toward the romantic. My problem is that I've gained a significant amount of weight since college, like a hundo, putting me at 6'2", 300 lbs. [Griffin: Six- to three-hundred lbs!?] Do I mention this to her, or just show up with some extra for her to love." -- Rotund Romancer

Justin: Okay, you've got to drop that nomenclature.
Griffin: "Hey, I've got some branding to go along with this."
Justin: "Hey Debbie, good news, I've got branding! Check out my lycra jacket! They're stitched on the back." I say you need to update your Facebook with a current picture, and let this fall where it may.
Griffin: With the caption "surprise!" This is it. No, I mean, what does she love? Does she love your heart? Does she love that heart of yours? It happens, guys, I think! It happens from time to time that a person doesn't love this fameful frame, they love that heart, that sweet-heart of mine. Is that the case that you're going with. Did your heart get fatter? Because if that's the case, it just means you have more love to give her.
Justin: Here's what you should not do - absolutely, you cannot mention it.
Travis: No.
Justin: You can't say, "hey listen, just big news, I've really bulked up." You can't say that. Don't say that. Put some current pictures up there.
Travis: You know, there is also a good chance she has let herself go a little bit.
Justin: How much shame can your frame handle?
Griffin: How much shame is in your frame?
Justin: Get the shame out your frame, and get your frame some fame. Maid - I want to be about a hundred pounds less. Maid, get on that episode.
Griffin: You can not do anything, but there may be a look on her face that you aren't going to be able to shake.
Travis: But imagine this beautiful moment - there's a look on her much-fatter face.
Griffin: Oh no, Shrek! It's a Shrek ending!
Travis: "We're accidentally in love!"
Griffin: "I want to be a princess!" "You are a princess. Get over here, I have chicken!"
Travis: Hey listener, sorry about all this. This whole thing.
Griffin: I think that you should just go for it, and if she turns you down then she doesn't deserve you.
Justin: Put a current picture up. If she says, "Is that current?" say "No, I'm hunking up," and then stop eating. You've got to get slimmer. Say, "I'm on my way down, I promise. Please don't leave me. Please. I need you so bad Debbie."
Griffin: And if not, maybe you guys will be friends or something.
Travis: The worst five minutes of advice anybody has ever given anyone!
Griffin: How about one final Yahoo?
Justin: Yeah yeah yeah.
Griffin: This one was sent in by Golly Aolly. Thank you Golly Aolly. It's by Yahoo Answers user... oh no, the picture itself is pretty wonderful - The Real Marty Janetti.
Travis: Accept no substitutes!
Griffin: Are you guys soaking in that image? That tiny thumbnail? It's a wrestler, and he's holding a belt.
Justin: Usually if I don't know a celebrity, they're a wrestler.

Question #10 (41:02) Y Edit

"How can I convince my girlfriend to dress up like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka?

I am in love with two ladies; My sweet little BlooBerry (aka my g-friend) and Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka. I think it's so sexy the when Violet inflates into a sphere and would love to see ma'lady do the same. How can I connivence her this would be both fun and sexy LOL. She doesn't realize it yet, but her nickname comes from my Number 1 screen crush. I bought the costume last week and am fighting up the courage to ask her. PLEASE ANY SUGESTIONS!!!!

PS Not like in the new crappy Johny Depp Charlie and the Chocalte Factory. That CGI looked horrible! ONLY MEL STUART'S VERISON!!!!"

Griffin: "I can't finish unless it's the Mel Stuart version!"
Justin: "Right now, Roshanda, you look beautiful, but you look like that shitty Johnny Depp version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
Travis: "Honey, I got you this outfit and this bicycle pump. Let's go to town."
Griffin: "Yeah, we are going to give you some artificial juice-filled dumps."
Justin: Ever hear of that thing where if you press this button you'll get a million dollars but someone in the world will die, do you press the button? If I could guarantee it's this guy, I would just start hammering on it.
Griffin: How stealth do you have to be about your number one screen crush that you have given this girl a nickname which is "my little blueberry" and she doesn't know what it's referring to? You have to watch this movie on the reg, right? And you can tell he has like a half-boner when she walks in the room.
Justin: She swells, he swells baby. That's how he do.
Griffin: That's gross.
Justin: That is so unpleasant that you would like that so much.
Griffin: If you're gonna [Griffin whispers "jerk it"] to anything in that movie, why not Augustus Gloop getting sucked up into that chocolate tube?
Travis: I feel like we've just found a really great psychological test. If you had to jerk it to one scene in Willy Wonka, and your answer means something.
Griffin: How about if you jerk it to any second of that movie that is primarily about murdering kids?
Justin: Boy, as angry as I was about this guy, there is a much more unpleasant gentleman whose fetish is a little boy stuck in a chocolate tube.
Griffin: The parts of your brain of fear and arousal are right next to each other - is anything scarier than the look on that fucking kid's face when he's surrounded by plastic, and tiny orange men, and sweet chocolate?
Justin: It's like it's heaven and hell, baby?
Griffin: He knows that death is around the corner. What about the girl that gets thrown in the incinerator?
Travis: That movie is terrifying!
Justin: "Why am I so erect, then?"
Travis: "There is no earthly way of knowing why I have this huge boner."
Justin: "There is no earthly way of knowing why my boner is still growing."
Travis: "But the bulge is surely showing!"
Griffin: "Is it shrinking, is it blowing?"
Justin: "And the semen is surely flowing!"

Housekeeping (44:30)Edit

Justin: So I want to hear Griffin's very last question, but first I want to say that we have a live show. It's going to be June 12. We have a handful of tickets left, and I'm not saying that like they say it to try to encourage people to buy - we literally have like ten seats left.
Griffin: We have those on Sunday night, and this show is going up on Monday morning, so no guarantees, and hopefully we've talked about it on Twitter and our Facebook as much as we can.
Justin: And on our website.
Griffin: It's all on maximumfun.org. So, if you don't get tickets, we're sorry. We're going to keep doing these live shows, so this isn't the last chance thing.
Justin: We're all close enough to Cincinnati; maybe we could do this again at some point if you miss out on the show, because the response has been so awesome.
Griffin: Thank you so much.
Justin: We really appreciate it.
Travis: And we're still shopping for opening acts. We've got a few really good leads, but if you live in Cincinnati or know a really great comic or band or anything like that in Cincinnati... At this point I'm really excited about a magician. It's something I'm leading towards. I'm getting some fight from the brothers.
Justin: I would take a magician at this point.
Griffin: Could we get a ball pit?
Travis: You mean just a half-hour ball pit?
Griffin: Yeah, we just put the ball pit up there and "go nuts."
Justin: We originally said that we could have another podcast open for us, and we did have a couple of suggestions, but we're worried that they could better than ours, and we can't have that, so we got to have somebody who is not a podcast now, we've decided, because that's the kind of insecurity we're talking about.
Travis: And if you're already going to be in town, might I suggest checking out Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged at the Cincinnati Shakespeare Company. [Justin interjects a raspberry] They are wonderfully hosting our show, so if you want to check that out in the afternoon and then come see our show at night, I highly recommend it.
Griffin: They act really fucking good.
Travis: They act so good.
Justin: Thank you guys. We love it when people tweet on "Tweeter" about our show, and us the MBMBaM hashtag so we make sure to see it. Rickman is a relatively new convert, I think. He was tweeting up a storm. Our buddy @rhymeswag, he's a relatively new tweeter, I haven't seen him popping up too much. I do like @ipeeinbutts, which is a pretty good...
Griffin: Wait, I love this, go back down, this guy is my favorite: @ankhmonk says "@MBMBaM FUCK YOU" Got us.
Justin: Nailed us again.
Travis: I want to hand out a special congratulations to my friend, Sabrina and Chris. They just had a baby, and I'm going to go ahead and name it Travis McElroy's Pick for My Brother My Brother and Me Baby of the Year.
Griffin: The most pinch-able baby of 2011.
Travis: So let's give that up for Benjamin Prometheus Stoker.
Griffin: Real name.
Justin: The sweetest baby... What a great baby. And thanks to our buddy Kole Ross. He hosts and produces "Stand Under The Don't Tree and Riddle Me This", and is also co-host of "Those Damn Ross Kids", and he is in Cincinnati, so we'll be able to feel his vibes emanating through the air.
Griffin: I feel them here.
Justin: Do you feel them? So hi everybody, @ducklips513. Everybody tweeting about the show, we really appreciate it.
Griffin: Thanks to our daddy, and to Carol for just ram jamming us with pasta.
Travis: Thank you Carol!
Justin: So much pasta.
Griffin: Gotta go eat some strawberry pie too.
Travis: Oh yeah!
Justin: Don't mind if I do!
Griffin: So this has been Pastafest. Thank you for being a part of it.
Travis: Tune in next week for Rastafest.
Griffin: Every year we are going to do Pastafest in May, and Rastafest in late-May/early-June.
Justin: And Griffin right now is going to hit you, the listening audience, with our very last question of the week. Oh, one more thing! If you'd like to introduce the show to somebody, we've got a brand new way of doing it. It's the MBMBaM sampler. That is located at bit.ly/itsmbmbam. If you want to tweet about the show, tell people to listen to it, please use that link and just say "Hey, I thought you'd like this, jerk." It's about twelve minutes, some of our classic bits.
Travis: If this is your first time listening, if you're one of the people introduced to that, make sure to check out our website - www.mbmbam.com
Justin: Let's bury this bitch. Sink it.
Griffin: Final question was sent in by Ousmane Mariko. Thank you, Ousmane Mariko. It's by Yahoo Answers user Pumpertech, who asks:

Question #11 (49:21) FY Edit

"I'm bored. What do you do for fun?

It is raining out also. And I am an old man."

Justin: I'm Justin McElroy.
Travis: I'm Travis McElroy.
Griffin: I'm Griffin McElroy.
Justin: This has been My Brother My Brother and Me. Kiss your daddy straight on the lips! Right daddy?

References & Links Edit

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