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"Krumbelievable" was originally released on August 29th, 2011 at 6:19 PM.

Description Edit

We're coming to you live (see: pre-recorded) from the Pacific Northwest, talking about all the important issues that saturate the worry centers of your brain. Like, for instance, are we having a pleasant time in the Pacific Northwest? How is its temperate climate treating our sensibilities? What's up with the Puget Sound, you guys?

Suggested Talking Points Edit

Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs, An Olyphant's Faithful 100 Percent, Funnel Cloud Coitus, Skittles and Romance, Screaming Brain, Rubberbaby, The Taking Tree, 4th President, Legs and How to Use Them 

Outline Edit

03:21: 07:49
- Formspring - Is it possible to get my hopes up for a first date without ruining things? Is there a happy medium between too-high expectations and pressure, and being hopeful and excited about the possibilities of that relationship? : 09:15
- Hurricane Irene conversation begins : 12:45
- Hurricane pick-up lines : 14:44
19:03: 26:01
31:46: 36:42
42:26: 49:33
54:45 : - Housekeeping
59:26 : {{{18}}}

Quotes Edit

Transcript Edit

Transcript found here, by Michael Krewson.

Introduction:Edit

[Voiceover]: The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

Intro Music: It’s A Departure by The Long Winters

J: [speaking over the intro music] Live from Seattle, baby we hear the blues a-callin', tossed salad and scrambled eggs. All three of us here in beautiful Washington, um... tossed salad and scrambled eggs...

T: What the hell are you talking about?

J: All three of us here from My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

G: Just kickin' it in sunny Se-at-tle.

J: Beautiful weather, I don't know what people were talking about with the cloudy and the rainy, I... it's just been gorgeous.

G: It's just been sunny funny summer.

J: Yeah. And all three of us here, gathered around one microphone.

T: [long sigh]

J: Uh, I'm Justin McElroy, live from Seattle. I'm your oldest brother

T: I... I...

G: I'm Griffin McElroy, I'm just kicking it in Seattle, just with my two brothers. Best people around.

T: [under Griffin] I... I...

T: I'm Tra.. I'm Travis McElroy, I'm l.. I'm live from Seattle.

G: [giggle]

J: Now Travis, if you are live from Seattle, I do not currently see you.

G: Yeah, what's going on?

T: I'm.. I'm in the other room. I'm not with you guys, I'm here for a different event.

J: [laughs] Okay, you're staying in a much NICER hotel.

T: Yeah, I'm here for the, uh, former Saturday Night Live look-alike convention.

J & G: [laughter]

J: That's very good. Say hi to Reggie for me.

T: I will.

J: Looks just like Charles Rocket.

T: [laughts]

G: I don't know that there IS a nicer hotel than the hotel that we're staying at, because we have the four regular pillows on our bed, you know, stacked two deep, two wide; ...

J: Too fast, too furious?

G: ... then we have another pillow that is sort of a sliver of a pillow, just sort of like a suggestion of a pillow, and I'm not sure what...

T: Is that a pillow for the pillows?

J: [laughs]

G: I think it might be? Like it might be a little baby pillow so the other pillows feel like they've accomplished something in their life. I don't know what to do with it in my... do I tuck it betwixt my legs? Because it's even too tiny for that.

J: It's hard to say.

T: Does.. does your hotel...

G: [interrupting] Is it a butt cheek pillow?

T: Does your hotel have a pillow menu?

G: No.

T: Oh...

J: No, no pillow menu. Uh, this is of course an advice show for the modren era, um, where we take your questions and we turn them, alchemy-like, into wisdom. Let's get right....

T: Wait, before we start: Justin, I put up that cursive thing, and I need you to apologize to me.

J: Okay, I will.. I will admit, you are good at cursive.

G: I don't think that 'e' is how the 'e' is, though.

J: I don't think the 'e' is right.

T: That IS how the 'e' is. I do it with a flamboyant flare, but that is how the 'e' is done.

J: The 'e' look like... the 'e' look like a meth-addicted hooker's mouth.

G: It look like a 'c' with a bouffant.

T: But it is correct. That is.. that is the... maybe not SO over the top, but... we're not all winners.

G: Yeah, yeah, you went to take your written language over the TOP.

J: [in background] Yeah.

T: Yeah.

G: That's kinda your whole style.

J: You like to zazz your pazizzle with all your writing, uh prowess.

T: Exactly.

J: Um, so, uh, let's get right into it.

3:21 - Question #1 Edit

J: "I was having lunch with three people I respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of mine, not knowing she is my friend. The criticism is distasteful AND unjustified. What should I do in this situation? Should I keep my mouth shut and move on, or defend my friend and lose respect for my other friends?" And that's from Jake.

G: You think this is a veiled way of saying that WE insulted his friends?

T: Heh heh

G: And he doesn't know if he should stop listening to our podcast or not? 'Cause if that's the case, like, I'm not.. I don't apologize for anything.

J: Oh.. wow!

G: I mean what I say, I say what I mean.

J: Take no prisoners.

G: Elephant says shit, and he means it 100% of the time.

J: Wait, did you say "the elephant says shit, and he means it 100% of the time?"

T: Or did...

G: Horton Hears a Who, dog.

T: Or did you say Olyphant? Are you referencing Timothy Olyphant?

G: TImoth.... Timothy Olyphant says what means, and means what he says.

J: And doffs his cowboy hat to you.

G: And he saves you.

J: Says "Good day."

T: [laughter]

J: Uh..

T: Timothy Olyphant is faithful 100%.

J: He's got your back.

[laughter]

J: I, uh, I...

T: Just a real quick shout out to Timothy Olyphant.

G: Hey TimMY.

T: Thanks for everything, big guy.

J: I think that you should... it is actually a very, um, admirable quality, I think, to defend anybody who's being attacked and isn't present. Um, and... I think it's something we ALL fall down on.

T: Yeah.

J: It's certainly the.. the.. I know I.. I do, but it's certainly the.. the.. the right thing to do, or the respectful thing to do, to try to defend people, or at least not attack people who aren't, um, at a place.

T: Although.. although I would say from personal experience, if the person doing the backstabbing is drunk, it's.. it's best to just let that one go by. Cause I got into a screaming match with a girl on her birthday once for defending another one of my friends, and it was, it was, it was a bad scene. It was a REAL bad scene.

G: I'm not sure that it's the right... it might be the RIGHT thing to do, but I don't know that it's the pragmatic thing to do. Like, um.. I, I, I didn't have.. I haven't had so many friends lately. And I think it's because I keep getting in this situation, and I trade in the three friends for one friend, and then it's like: I'm down two friends, mathematically speaking. I don't have the two friends I woulda had if I'd stuck with the three instead of the one. You know? You gotta keep in mind: "How many friends can keep in my life at all times, and have the maximum number of friends?"



T: I... I think, I think what you need to do is you have to sit back and say, "Is this one friend worth these three friends?" And it sounds like if they're being distasteful and unjustified, like, they don't really sound like GREAT people.



G: Ehh, but you're not thinking of it pragMATically. It's all about pragmatism this episode, you guys, because that's three warm bodies.



J: Three friend...



T: Or maybe, maybe their one friend is gigantic.



J: OHH



G: And that's why the three friends were picking on her.



T: Oh, 'cause ..



J: Like a Baby Huey situation.



T: Yeah.



J: I um.. I think that it's a fine opportunity to practice decency, which you should try to defend people even if they're not your friends. So don't make that, like, I don't know.. Don't make that a huge part of your decision making process.



G: But what if it's Osama bin Laden? You still want him to defend Osama bin Laden?



J: I think friendship is sacred.



G: With terrorist [unintelligible plural noun]?



J: [laughs] I don't think that they're friends with... What are they gonna say about Osama bi... His ass is dead.



T: What are they gonna say that is distasteful and unjustified?



G: That hasn't already been said in an infinite number of Toby Keith songs.



[laughter]



J: Um, I think that the answer is 'yes', but to not get belligerent about it. There's a polite way to defend people without turning it into a us-versus-them type situation.



T: And usually if you say something like, "Well actually, I'm pretty good friends with them, and they're alright," everybody around you will get the hint and not keep talking shit. If they do, it's turning into a whole different situation.



J: Yeah.



T: You know what I mean? Like, then you just need to get outta there, maybe smack a few faces on your way out the door.



J: Yeah.



G: As you run, with your hand out. In.. for the smacking position.



J: Or.. it also would be great if you didn't say anything and then later somehow made sure they found out that you're friends with this person, because then they retroactively feel guilty, and that goes down real...



G: Like 'What's up? Remember her?'



J: What's up now? The twist, denouement! You didn't see this coming. [pause]




7:48 - Question #2



Hey, uh, is it... is it possible to get my hopes up for a first date without ruining things? Is there any happy medium between too high of expectations and pressure and being hopeful and excited about the possibilities of that relationship? And that's from Formspring.



T: Oh god! What do you mean by 'ruin things'? Like are you...



J: 'I peed myself.'



G: Yeah, 'I peed myself', that's good.



T: Yeah, like you're rolling up and being like, 'Marry me.! Aw, damn it.'



G: 'Aw fuck.'



J: 'You look great, I peed my...' [dejected]



T: [laughs]



G: 'I put pee in my.. in my pants 'cause you're so beautiful.'



T: [laughs]



G: Um... um, no. No.



T: You have to go in jaded..



G: No not that, just totally, TOTally cas'. Talkin' 'bout cashmere, baby, 'cause you don't want to freak her out, you don't want to freak yourself out. The best way to get to know somebody is in a no... a low-to-no-press' situation. And you can't craft that for yourself if you go in thinkin', thinkin' about wedding bells. Thinkin' 'bout babies and wedding bells.



T: I actually ... I completely agree, Griffin. I think that first dates, in and of themselves, are like booby traps that are set up to make you fail.



J: [snickers] Literally.



G: Literal...



T: Eh heh heh! Good one. But, I think that it is...



[laughter]



J: I sense some dismissiveness there.



T: I think that it is a built-in high-pressure situation.



G: Mmhmm.



T: You know, like, everything about it is, is built to be awkward.



G: And if you bring your high pressure situation into her low pressure situation, you get a tornado, and thousands die.



T: Yeah!



J: That's very, that's very sensitive, Griffin.



T: Think about it.



G: What is...



J: People, our friends on the East Coast... Travis, right now, is battening down the hatches.



T: I'm, I'm in the midst of the storm.



G: That's why I said "tornado" and not "hurricane". Thanks guys, but now you outed me.



T: It's pretty much all the same thing.



G: Bad weather - like, there's bad weather everywhere. I can't talk about bad weather anymore?



J: The hurricane made the.. made tornados.



G: [laughs] That's the fuckin' scariest thing I've ever heard.



J: It's a baby. Baby tornados, that spun off of the hurricane.



T: Have you even SEEN "The Day After Tomorrow"?



G: No.



T: Like it all happens at once.



J: [unintelligible]



G: Do the tornados make earthquakes?



T: Yeah.



J: Hey, speaking of....



T: And then the Earth's core stops spinning.



J: Speaking of this hurricane, I hope everyone is um, is safe, and is, and is... I guess by Monday this will all have sort of blown over for our US friends, maybe not some of our friends in Canada. Um, but I hope you are fine; it sounds like the death toll is relatively low. I did want to mention one that I saw, one of the VERY few deaths, um, was listed in the news as a - and I don't want to be disrespectful here - was listed in the news as a 55-year old surfer that died. And to me, it just screamed, like, that's a full-on, that's a full-on Bodhi situation.



[laughter]



J: Like 'I can't live in a cage, a cage of goin' into that dark twilight,' and he just decided...



G: You're saying that in....



T: I have... I have to imagine that that is like lifeguard lingo. Like, there's a du.. there's a lifeguard on the beach, radioing other lifeguards like, 'Uh, I'm gonna need some support out here, we got a full-on Bodhi.'



G: [in a surfer voice] We got a full on Bodhi!



J: Like, this, like...



G: [surfer voice] Bring in the chopper!



J: They wouldn't list him as a 55-year old surfer unless he was fucking carving the waves right then.



T: [laughs]



G: I actually, I read it.. his obit in the New York Times ...



J; 'Cause I got, I got news for you: you're 55, you're old? You're not a pro. That's not your career.



T: [laughs]



G: I read his obit in the New York Times, and it actually said, um, '55 Year Old RADICAL Surfer'.



T: [laughs]



G: So I think that extra thing that lets you know.... what is it? Do I have something on my teeth?



J: I was trying not to distract, but...



G: No, no, no, which one is it?



J: Uh lemme see, smile. No, the other one.



G: This guy?



J: Yeah, one or your, one of your canines.



G: Okay, I get it?



J: Yeah, you got it. Great.



G: Um. Don't surf in hurricane... can we give out general advice for surviving, uh, disasters like this?



T: Yeah.



J: Gena-cane... general hurricane advice. Um, there's no laws anymore.



G: No.



J: Once the...



G: Everything, everything's fuckin' on the table. Grab.. snatch and grab!



J: [laughs] Snatch and grab, it's all yours.



T: I've also learned from so many like weather horror movies: don't wear a Hawaiian shirt and put down your video camera.



G: Oh my god, you'll be sucked into the vacuum.



T: Those two things will kill you. Also this is a great time to, uh, listen to Jimmy Buffett back catalog.



G: Yeah, 'cause if you don't now, then you'll die, and then you'll never have heard it.



J: [laughs] The uh, the uh... and he's got lots of songs about surviving this sort of thing,



T: That's what I'm saying.



J: and keeping a pretty good attitude throughout. Um, you uh, you should remember, above all, that um... hold on shit, I forgot my thing, hold on...



G: Love conquers all?



J: No, not 'love conquers all.



G: Love, love can beat a hurricane.



T: True love waits!



G: [chuckles] True love waits, so don't get hurricane-nasty.



[laugher]



G: Oh no, Hurricane Nasty is sweeping the Gulf Coast.



T: This is the windiest nasty.



J: It's dirty with four 'r's. It's quite a storm.



G: Um...



T: A... is there a good hurricane pickup line?



G: Ummm.....



T: 'I wanna batten down your hatches'?



G: I mean yeah, but...



J: I guess...



G: I wanna b...



J: I don't wanna turn this into... I don't wanna turn this into a high-pressure system.



T: Ooh?



G: 'We better, we better go to the grocery store and... before it gets rated and buy condoms to have sex with'?



[laughter]



J: Okay, a little on the nose, maybe, I think.



G: Uh, or 'we could just raw dog it'.



[laughter]



T: 'Hey, there's a hurricane coming. We should probably bone.'



G: 'Have you ever made sex in a swirling vortex?'



[laughter]



J: Maybe that could be next.



G: Would that be the drea... like, I don't wanna get weird, but wouldn't that be the DREAM?



T: [cackles]



G: If you were sucked into a swirling vortex like mid-coitus, like, 'WHOOAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! THIS IS THE MOST INTENSE EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!'



[laughter]



T: 'Check it out, Poseidon!'



J: [laughs] Thmpk! That was me.. that was getting slammed into the side of a building, and being killed instantly.



G: Cow... A couple having just totally righteous sky-sex...



T: 55 year-old boner.



G: Another couple having totally righteous sky-sex!



J: Bodhi.



G: Get in that, Bill Pullman. [?] We gotta save 'em.



T: [laughs]



J: 'What about that 55 year-old pro surfer?' 'It's too late for him.'



G: Too late for him. He's surfin', surfin' the sky.



J: Maybe the 55 year-old surfer was trying to save a sky-sex couple.



G: Yeah.



J: And that's what like... 'I've gotta carve into the storm!'



G: Mmhmm.



J: 'And save them. Or get a better look at least. I'm 55. I got nothin'.'



G: How hard do you think "Miserlou" was playing in that dude's head as he surfed a hurricane?



J: 'Fuck! What a cool way to go out.' That's what he was thinking.



G: Yeah.



J: He didn't think he was gonna, like, wake up the next day.



G: Like a.. a 75-foot wave towered over him, and he was like 'WORTH it.... done.'



J: [laughs]



G: Uh, how about a Yahoo answer for us? Justin don't... Justin's like looking at my computer right now, I don't want him to...



J: Oh, I won't look.



G: I don't want him to see it.



J: I won't look.



G: Um... okay, here it is. Yeah, don't look at the question, because this is.. this one's pretty important for you not to look.



J: 'Kay.




14:45 - Question #3 (Yahoo Answers)



G: This one was sent in by Daisy Gray. Thank you, Daisy. It's by Yahoo Answers user Rashi, who asks: "Is it bad to run to girlfriend in the rain, like in the movies?"



J: [chuckle]



G: "Okay, I just left my girlfriend's apartment, seeing her and my daughter. Well, tomorrow morning I'm going off to college for basketball. Only about 40 minutes away, but still, and I want to surprise her one last time. I want to run to her in the rain, like in them corny movies. She loves that stuff. I already got Skittles, her favorite candy, and it's pouring rain. Should I do it? Would that be stupid?"



T: Wait... what...



G: Hold on, hey buddy? Have you guys seen "The Notebook"? I love that scene where, um, that.. that one guy, who's that one guy?



T: Uh huh...



G: Who's that guy? Ryan Phillippe? Gosling?



J: Ryan Reynolds.



G: Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling. Man there's a lot of SEXY-ass Ryan's out there.



J: Yeah, they're doin' good.



G: Uh, Ryan Gosling runs up to that other chick, and he's like, "Hey," and before he gets to her he just throws a pile of Skittles in her face. Just like throws a handful, like, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird. SKITTLES! Take 'em. Take this treat from me."



J: Whoa, did you just, uh, did you just quote "The Notebook"? Is that, was that a "Notebook" ...



G: I mighta quote booked it.



J: ...selection?



G: [unintelligible]



J: You know, the tricky thing about running in the rain is: Where do I park my car? Where's far enough?



T: [laughs] How far away is far enough, but not TOO far that by the time you get there, you're just, like, tired.



J: Right, you're like, '[out of breath] huh-uh Hi, I..' Puke.



G: Yeah.



T: [laughs] Puke up all the Skittles you ate on the way over.



J: [laughing] 'I.. I ate your Skittles.'



G: 'I'm so sorry.'



J: 'I needed the carbs.'



G: It'd be like.. you get there to her, and you, you, you put your hand in your pocket, and you pull out Crazy Core Skittles, and you're like, 'I'm sorry, all they had was Crazy Core.' And she's like, 'I DON'T CARE.' And you guys kiss.



J: [fake crying] 'You've got a crazy core and I love you.'



T: [laughs] I love the idea of, like, completely context-less, running to someone in the rain. Like you run up to them, and then what? You run up and you're like, 'Hey....'.



G: You talking about a stranger?



T: No, but like, he's leaving for college later. And so he's like, 'I wanna run up to her', and say what? Like, 'Make sure you're there when I leave tomorrow.'



J: So wait a minute, did he say his girlfriend and his daughter, and he's going to play college basketball?



G: Yeah.



J: Hey, if you want a grand romantic gesture, take your daughter with you! What are you doing?



[laughter]



G: Take Your Daughter to College... Year.



J: Yeah. Yeah, maybe get an apartment with both of them, and don't be a deadbeat absent father. If you want, like, grand gestures, that'd be a good start.



G: Oh, maybe the Skittles are for the daughter! To, like, ease the pain of [unintelligible] papa?



T: [laughs]



J: [low voice] This is the best I could do for child support.



T: To be fair, he doesn't, he doesn't he's going to college to PLAY basketball, he's going to college FOR basketball. I think...



G: Oh, you think he's going to, like, Duke, and he's like, 'I just LOVE them Blue Devils so much.'



T: I actually think he's going to study basketball.



G: Like a basketball doctor?



T: [laughing] Yeah!



J: 'I'm doctor Basketball Jones, please step into my office.'



G: 'Your hoops are all wrong. Let me show you about free throws.'



J: [laughs]



G: 'I wrote my thesis about three-points.'



J: 'My prescription: sick dunks.'



T: [laughs]



G: Sick dunks.



J: 'Ah, I see your problem here: you seem to have faked the funk on a nasty dunk.'



G: Mmm. 'Nothing but net, Michael Jordan.'



[laughter]



G: I'm runnin' outta things I know about basketball. Charlotte Hornets aren't a team anymore.



J: 'Have you met Dr. Jones? He's, he's an odd duck. He wears Reebok Pumps with his tweed. I like him though.'



G: Yeah.



J: Those are still a thing?



G: Reebok Pumps?



J: Yeah.



T: Pumps? Are Reeboks still a thing?



J: Uh Reebok I think might... is still around.



G: I don't think that's a company anymore; I think they just snatched 'em up.



J: You know.. you know that indie song that's so popular right now? Where they sing 'all the kids with the pumped up kicks'? Is that about Reebok Pump?



G: I'm pretty sure the song you're talking about was written by All American Rejects, and thus can not be qualified as an indie band.



J: I don't think it's written by... I think it's written by the, The Signeenee's or something, some sort of righteous indie name.



G: Mmhmm.



T: What did you just say?



J: The Richard.. the Richard Grieco's.



T: There it is.



G: The Sky Surfers.



J: [laughs] Oh, The Sky Surfers, yeah. Uh. 'No, we're not THE Richard Grieco's anymore. We lost our bassist, now we're just..



G: Grieco.



T: Mmhmm.



G: A Richard Grieco.



J: A Richard Grieco, the sequel.



T: The Richard Grieco experience.




19:04 - Question #4



J: "Hey this Monday, my wife and I will find out if we are, indeed, going to be parents. We're excited at the possibility, and have started trying to plan ahead things to get. One area we're stuck in is a baby-themed room. We wanted something aminal-themed room"... whoa



G: Whoa, dog.



J: [laughs] Whoa. "An-i-mal themed room."



T: Nope! We're sticking with 'aminal'.



J: "... and felt that the wise brothers three would provide us with some great thoughts." That's from Confounded in KC.



T: I'm gonna throw out - and this kinda meta - but what about a baby-themed baby-themed room?



G: Oh man.



T: And you just paint babies all over the walls.



G: Yeah! And like with signs like 'You ARE this', like, I love that.



[laughter]



G: I think that's important for human beings to know what and who they are pretty much instantly so they can start growing and learning from it. Like, I think you learn from yoursel... maybe, maybe, instead of a baby, it's like a zygote.



T: Oh!



G: Or like a fetus. And you're like, 'You WERE this, now get better.'



J: Ooh, I like that. What if you put.. what if you took it as an educational thing, and you, uh, put just a ton of objects in the room that would say, maybe out loud, perhaps with one of the, uh, greeting card sound chips, they would say out loud what they are. But they would all do it at the same time, and they would do it 24 hours a day.



T: [laughs] "Chair. Chair. Chair. Chair. Chair."



G: "Tennis racket. Tennis racket. Tennis racket. Tennis racket."



J: "Chair Chair Chair Chair Chair Chair Chair.."



T: "Bed. Bed. Bed."



G: "I am drums. I am drums."



T: "Drawers. Drawers."



J: "Dad's hidden pot. Dad's hidden pot."



T: "Pump shoes. Pump shoes."



G: [laughs]



J: Why did you hide your pot in the baby's room, Dad?



G: And you attach one to him that just says, "Baby! Baby! Baby!" And it would just be Justin Bieber.



[laughter]



G: [singing] "Baby.." [laughs] Ohhhh... that would make for probably a Unabomber. That would probably make for a Unabomber situation.



T: [laughs]



J: 'How was MY babyhood? I will tell you.'



G: 'Not good! Because I'm looking at that lamp, and it's screaming in my brain. So it could be better.'



[laughter]



J: 'All I could think of when I blew up the building was, "Well that's one building of things that won't be screaming... at babies today."



G: [laughs]



T: "Building! Building! Building! Building!"



J: "Building! Building!"



G: "Windows! Windows!"



T: 'I have to kill the building!'



J: 'But now it's screaming, "Pit. Empty pit. Empty pit. Empty pit."



[laughter]



J: "Construction. Construction."



T: 'Just like my heart. Heart. Heart. Heart.'



J: [laughs[



T: What about a Steve Guttenberg themed room?



J: Guttenbaby!



G: Yeah, that would be sick.. or just let's go full.. whole hog, and we'll go, uh, Three and a Half Men and a Baby, and just...



T: Wait, what?



J: What?



G: Three, three.. three people who are just men, and also a baby.



J: Who's the three-quarters men?



G: Gut... the Guttenberg.



J: The Gutes. Alright.



T: [laughing] Okay.



G: Yeah, um..



J: I'm pretty sure he was listed in one of the original men, right? It was Steve Guttenberg...



G: Steve.. Danson.



J: Steve Danson, and uh...



G: Danson, [unintelligible], and uh.. Paul Rudd.



J: Paul Rudd! In his acting debut as The Baby.



G: Uh huh!



J: Um.



T: He was AWEsome as the baby.



G: No, there were fucking', there were three dads in that shit, right?



J: Yeah.



T: Yeah. Guttenberg, Danson, and Tom Selleck.



J: Greg Eva... Greg Evigan. Greg Evigan, Paul Rudd, and Paul Reiser.



T: [unintelligible] was there.



G: Paul Reiser, Peter Sarsgaard, and Stellan Skarsgard.



T: Mmhmm.



J: [pirate voice] Skars.. Skarsgard.



G: Hey guys, can you get together and fucking pick one?



J: Yeah. Just pick a thing.



G: Just pick a ... you can't throw 'k's in there. It's, it's one name or the other.



J: Um, I.. what about a Skarsgard themed room?



G: Mmm



T: [pirate voice] Skarsgard!



J: 'Oh you've got a baby... you've got a baby in the room? Did you Skarsgard everything?



T: Oohh



G: Which is the Skarsgard in the True Blood? Is that Stellan?



J: Stellar.. Stellam Skarsgumms



T: That was it.



G: Stellums Gkarsgdds needs to stop takin' pictures on magazines with, like, him pullin' the front of his pants down, like, 'Hey, maybe wanna see some pubes?'



T: [laughs]



G: Like, I don't wanna.. actually I'm checking out at HEB, and I'm buyin', like, bacon and dates, like I don't wanna see your almost-pubes. Sir. And I certainly don't want my baby to see them. Bad idea; I vote down your idea. Vetoed.



T: Okay.



J: Yeah, vetoed.



T: What about, um.. 'cause now that I'm thinking about Guttenberg, I'm thinking about Short Circuit.



G: Yeah.



T: What about just like an all Short Circuit themed room?



J: Alright.



G: What if we went over the top and said just a robotic room?



T: Ooh!



G: See, this is something I could get behind. 'Cause that's...



T: I like it.



G: That's.. robots had such a big influence on me and MY life, um.. uh, uh, vis-a-vis Short Circuit and, uh, Iron Giant. Um, robots are important, and I think you need to.. I think, I think the next generation of children is gonna have a very good reason to be scared of robots, uh..



J: Right. So if your baby's half-robot, or at least sympathize with them or communicate with them, it'll help.



G: Yeah, um, yeah, uh. I don't wan... yeah, you don't want your baby to be a robo-phobe. You gotta get 'em in early,



J: Mmhmm



G: You gotta get 'em in deep.



J: Can you.. if you make a baby-themed.. like a robot-themed baby room, can you make an exoskeleton for your baby?



G: Mmhmm.



J: Because I think that would.. like an anime... Okay, we've seen, in a lot of science fiction, exoskeletons used to give, um, disabled people the ability to - or people with disabilities - the ability to walk. I'm saying could that technology apply to babies?



T: Now.. is this example based purely out of RoboCop?



G: See, he.. you're saying RoboCop, I'm saying it's more of like a Power Rangers Megazord situation...



T: Ah okay



G: Maybe a mobile suit Gundam, maybe an Evangelion. Maybe a...



T: What if you raised your baby and convinced he WAS a robot? Like that.. like an "AI" situation, and you convinced him that he WAS a baby robot.



G: Like, 'Oh, no, when you die, you're not gonna go.. you're not going to heaven. So, uh...'



J: [laughs] Gets to go to the scrap heap.



G: 'I have SEEN "Bicentennial Man". You are goin' in the garbage.'



T: [laughs]



G: 'Love you, I love you now.'



T: I don't think that's what happens in "Bicentennial Man".

G: Yeah, Robin Williams dies...



J: Yeah they.. the last shot is him in the garb... god, the only travesty is that robot Robin Williams can be found in the garbage, but real Robin Williams can't, legally.



G: Mmhmm



J: He can be thrown on the scrap heap of Hollywood. That's the best we got. [RV?] is the scrap heap of Hollywood. (25:00)



G: [laughs]



J: Hey Robin? Stop it. I hate that guy.



T: Does anybody ever refer to him by just his first name? That was just so strange to me when you said that.



G: Rob?



T: I feel like you HAVE to call him 'Robin Williams'.



G: I call him Rob, uh, just because we so tight.



J: Bob Williams.



G: Umm, and sometimes I call him, uh, uh, the.. 'The Most Hirsuit Man in the World'



T: Mmhmm?



G: But it's a little long form.



J: Or 'Mork'?



G: Or 'Mork', or 'Smork'..



T: He loves that, he loves that.



G: .. that's his pet name.



J: He loves that stuff. 'Hey Mork!'



T: [deep voice] 'How.. that's a good one Justin. Ah hah!'

G: Was that.. was that your Robin Williams?

J: Sor.. Sorry? Was that your Robin Williams?

T: Uh, man, I only got like one voice.



G: Yeah.



J: Hey, I start...



T: It's also my Paul Rudd impression.



G: Yeah.



J: You got a Paul Rudd?



T: Yeah. [pretty much a normal voice] 'Oh, that's a good one Justin. Ah hah hah ha!'



J: [laughs] So you're ea... Paul Rudd is Count Chocula.



T: [laughs] Yes.




26:01 - Question #5



J: "Hey, I started a new job in April supervising employees who've been working longer than I've been alive. I'm well qualified, but I also happen to be a young, somewhat petite blond female. How do I present myself in a way that lets people know that they can't take advantage of me?" - Gmail.



J: I think...



T: Robot exoskeleton.



G: Exoskeleton's the move.



J: Exoskeleton is the, obviously.. it's the obvious answer, but I assume she woulda thought of that already, right?



T: Ah, okay.



G: Mmm.



J: Um, you know, I think if you go in with that attitude, um, then it's gonna create a real contentious workplace, um, situation. I, I, I'm of the opinion that the best way to supervise people is to be, as Dale Carnegie said, "lavish in your approbation and hearty in your praise." Yeah.



G: Are you kidding me with this Carnegie-cast?



J: No. No!



G: You keep trying to turn this into a Carnegie-cast.



T: What does that mean?



J: I, I'm just tellin' people that that book turned my life around.



G: Just don't approbate anybody. You know, like THAT word.



T: You know, LAVISH with your approbation.



G: Dont.. yeah, don't drow.. don't drown these fools in approbation.



J: Don't be mad because I've won friends and influenced people. Don't hate. Don't hate, celebrate.



G: Define 'approbate' right now for me, and I swear to god I'll give you 5 dollars outta my wallet.



J: The word was 'approbation'.



G: What does it mean?



J: It means 'praise'.



G: Does it mean it?



T: Ummmmm



J: It means 'approving of people'.



G: Ah, like APprovation?



J: Yeah, like approvation.



G: Fuck that, no.



J: Yep.



G: That's not how that word...



J: Yepp.



T: Why doesn't Dale Carnegie just say, like, 'Heyyy, tell 'em good job and pat 'em on the back'.



G: Tell 'em good job! Pat 'em on the back, good job, good work.



J: 'Cause he wasn't ali... 'cause he's dead! He can't say anything anymore.



T: Wow, w..way to really bring it down.



G: Yeah...



J: [sigh] Uhm...



T: He died surfing in the hurricane.



G: Yeah, you win.



J: Okay, I was right.



G: Yeah.



J: Um



G: Um



J: The, uh, ....yeah, I just think that if you go in saying, like, 'You guys aren't gonna take advantage of me,' then it's gonna create a bad work environment. It's not gonna be the kind of work environment... I would be more concerned with, like, setting a good role model and leading them, rather than worrying about people taking advantage of you, 'cause I, I think...



T: Is your concern, like, that they're gonna like ask-off-extra-days'-work take advantage of you, or they're all gonna slack off, not do their job, like.. what does it mean "take advantage of"? I'm, I'm confused by the parameters of what she's...



J: Well she can't answer your question, 'cause she's not on this call.



G: Because she's words on a screen.



J: Heh, she's words...



T: Oh, no, I understand, I understand the concept. I know how that works.



G: um



T: I'm, I'm wanting YOU guys to tell me what YOU think it is.



G: Yeah, like, that kinda stuff, like, just not showin' up for work, and then being like, 'What? Fire me. You can't.. I've been doing this longer than you've been alive!'



J: Or steal, like, stealin' rubber bands. Uh...



G: Stealing ALL the rubber bands. What are you doing with those rubber bands?



J: Ah, they're all mine, ha hah!



G: Ahh, makin' a child.



J: Well.. [laughs]



T: [laughs]



J: Rubber baby!



G: Rub-ub-ubber baby. Just love that song so much, gotta make a kid.



J: So it's like, maybe they just leave a rubber baby in her chair, without warning her. 'Oops!'



G: Uh-huh. Uh oh!



T: And with a sign that says, "We with rubber baby was our boss."



J: [laughs]



G: Yeah, rubber baby would do better than you.



J: Have you, [laughs].. you should meet my manger, Rubber Baby. He's very... he's bouncy, he, um, he smells like an old newspaper.



T: He's very quiet, but he's very resilient.



J: He's very...



G: And you can play hoops with him.



[laughter]



T: Like WITH him.



G: Like WITH him.



J: Like you...



G: ON him, TO him. You can play basketball to him.



T: The one baby it's oKAY to drop.



J: [laughs] Um.. I, I, I think that, I.. I understand your worry, but I think if you focus on having a good relationship with these people, that's gonna be your best bet. 'Cause especially for people who have been doing this for so long, you're not gonna whip them into shape, like you're not gonna whip them into submission. Um, and I don't think you should look at, uhh, working with them or trying to, um, appease them as, as a, as a loss. I think that's just plain, good.. good leadership.



T: I, I think...



G: I, I, I agree. You SHOULD have an un-sheathed Samurai sword open on your desk.



[laughter]



G: That was absolutely right. That's....



T: That way when someone comes and asks you a question, no matter how benign the question is, just slowly stroke the handle.



G: Yeah, just stroke that wazakishi [he means wakazashi] and just let 'em know what's up.



T: I.. I think like a good...



J: Um.. if this were a Meg Ry... oh, sorry Travis, go right ahead.



T: Oh, I was just gonna say, I think a good rule of thumb for pretty much every situation like this is: if you respect yourself, if you have confidence in yourself, then that will carry over to them. If you go in afraid that they're gonna take advantage of you, if you go in feeling under-qualified because you're younger than them, that's gonna be the image you project. But if you go in, saying, "I deserve to be here. I deserve to be the supervisor," they will, uh, they will respect that.



J: If this were a Reese Witherspoon movie, she would have her gay best friend who doesn't work there come into the place and do something wrong, and then she would fire him in front of everyone.



G: What do you guys think like...



T: Oh, and he would, like, cry, like...



J: Yeah, like, 'How could you be so mean?'



T: [high voice] 'Oh but I got, I got a sick kid! I gotta sick baby!'



G: I don't understand why the friend has to be gay.



J: I just thought that sh.. well, later she's.. he's gonna help her out with, like, her relationship.



T: Uh-huh.



G: Is this Timothy Olyphant, can I imagine?



T: Yeah...



J: If you.. actually, if you imagine Timothy Olyphant as a gay man, you have to go to jail.



G & T: [laughter]



J: The man only wears cowboy hats. He wears cowboy hats in the shower, like...



G: Yeah.



J: And if you picture Timothy Olyphant in the shower in a cowboy hat, you have to go to jail.



G: Ha! No-o-o-o....



J: Those.. we have an Olyphant laws.



G: Oh-o-o.. ahhhhhhh. I don't wanna go to gay-il.



T: [loud laugh]. Oh.. I'm almost sure Isaac Asimov wrote the Olyphant Laws.



J: Yeah.



G: Yeah, sure.



J: Um, [chuckle], uh Law 1: cowboy hat.



T: [chuckle]



J: Law 2: drawl.



G: Um, how 'bout a Yahoo Answer.. question?



J: Please.




31:50 – Question #6 (Yahoo Answers)



G: This one was sent in by Daniel McKinnie. I'm almost certain Justin just looked at it. It's by Yahoo Answers user Garland Garcia, who asks: "Is it legal to have sex with trees on your own property?"



T: Ohhhhh... Oh my.



G: Now, the top answer is, "Unless the tree can be seen by a passerby, it's not illegal. It's not as if there's a precedent to making it illegal."



T: [sigh]



G: "Despite the foolishness of the question, I've decided to address it seriously."



J: Huh what...



G: And I appre.. I appreciate that, John Lennon.



J & T: [laughter]



G: Which is your username.



J: Huh.. I don't think that that's accurate.



G: No, yeah, sure! If you have a high e... here's what's terrifying about this question, and why I decided to discuss it...



J: Now by 'accurate', do you think I meant the answer or the fact that that is John Lennon?



G: Or the fact that there's no precedent for this?



J: No, I agree with that part. I don't agree that that.. that is John Lennon.



G: It's John Lennon's ghost.



J: John Lennon's ghost.



G: He's a ghost in the machine, but he's trapped in Yahoo Answers forever, and he just wants out so bad.



J: [laughs]



G: Please let him on another site. He can't find his way out, because it's a labyrinth.



J: Yeah.



G: Take it from me.



J: Our show is really about trying to find John Lennon's ghost hidden in Yahoo Answers.



G: Hidden in the hedge maze of terrible-ness that...



J: This is the closest we've ever gotten.



G: Uh..



T: Is this gentleman's concern that a tree would report him to the police?



G: For tree se... for arboreal sex crimes?



T: Uh-huh.



G: I don't think that that's a concern. Uh..



T: Then what other law, besides just being comPLETEely indecent in public, which is a law no matter WHAT you're having sex with...



G: Wroooong-o.



T: What?



G: Wrong-o. Here's what I'm saying, here's what's upsetting. If your fence is high enough...



J: People could be fucking trees all the time.



G: People could be fucking trees, they could have trees fucking them, or each other!



J: [laughs] They could've grown the trees into a position that makes it look like they're having sex.



G: I'm talkin' 'bout branches and the bird holes..



J: Ugch..



G: And the fuckin', man, a nasty mess.



J: Ugh, a nasty mess.



T: So wait, is your concern that this is, like, rampant?



G: I'm saying: who knows if you walk by a house with a 8-foot fence, you just go ahead and assume that they are fucking something they should not be.



J: Yeah.



T: And spray-paint on the fence, "Tree-fuckers go home!"



J: [laughs]



G: Yeah...



T: "Fuck some trees."



[laughter]



J: And then just spend every night worrying about White Ash Beetles, 'cause they'll come for you.



G: Yeah.



T: [laughs] Termites?! Um...



G: I mean, I think people are stumpin' on the reg.



J: You do?



G: Mmhmm.



J: You think people are stumpin' right now. Somewhere in this world, someone's...



T: Well that explains.. okay, that.. now I get the t-shirts, uh, "Stumpers have wood."



G: Yeah.



T: I get it know.



J: [loud laugh] Show's over.



G: Uh...



T: [laughs]



G: It upsets me that we can find loopholes in our legal system to allow this kind of thing...



[laughter



T: [laughs]



J: Shouldn't.. Aren't laws supposed to keep you from doing really upsetting things? Isn't that the whole idea?



G: I want the fuckin' Law & Order: Special Victims Unit to, like, kick in the door and be like, "Hey, sex police! Don't move!"



T: [laughs]



J: Why do even have a Special Victims Unit?...



T: 'Down on the floor, tree-fucker!'



G: Yeah!



J: 'No not you....'



G: Why do we even have an SVU if they're not gonna stop shit like this from happening? 'Cause psychically it's in my brain, like, there's a tiny.. here's what you guys may not realize about my brain, is just by saying that word, saying, like, 'tree-fucker', now in my brain there's constantly a.. 24-7, 'til the day I die.. I tiny man fucking a tiny tree in my brain.



J: And he's just shouting, "Tree fucker! Tree fucker! Tree fucker! Tree fucker!"



T: [under Justin] "Tree fucker! Tree fucker!"



G: Or, "Tree! Man! Penis! Intercourse! Intercourse! Intercourse!" Like, it can't be stopped. Please stop the noise. But you can't stop the noise.



T: [laughs]



G: I want fuckin' Ice-T to kick in the door and be like, "Stop, SVU!"



J: And he can't do that in your brain? He's gotta...



G: He can't. Hold on, I gotta incept him in there. Get, get him out, Brain Ice-T! Ahhhhhhh



J: Gosh, Griffin.. Griffin's eyeballs are bleeding.



G & T: [chuckle]



J: I think he incepted too much.



G: Uh, don't have sex with trees, everybody.



J: Don't. Have. Sex. With...



G: Theres.. guys have... guys and girls...



T: If onl.. If only to avoid the horrifying half-human, half-tree babies.



J: [laughs]



G: And also the dick splinters! Stop it!



J: Listen, you motherfuckers, dryads have to come from somewhere.



G: Oh, man.



J: I want 'em to walk the earth, and this is the only way to get it done. It may not be pleasant, it may not even be... it's questionably legal, but if we're gonna have someone to bestow upon us, like, special tree powers and stuff...



G: Dryad magic, sure.



J: ... Dryad...



T: I, I would like to imagine the dryad babies are just completely, like, boring and normal people. And you see like a half-human, half-tree, and you're like, "Give me your wisdom!" And he's just like, "Dude, I, I work at the plant. I got nothing." NO pun intended.



J: I work on my ship models...



T: [chuckle]



G: When you guys were, um, younger, did you ever read The Taking Tree?



J & T: [laugh]



G: [low, breathy voice] 'Taker Tree.' [normal voice] 'Gimme that ssssssap!'



[laughter]



G: God...



T: Aww.. I'm sad in my brain.



G: Yeah, me too.



J: This sucks.



G: Just ruined a children's book for everybody.



J: This sucks.



G: How many other children.. I've done Horton Hears a Who, and I've don The Giving Tree. What else can I ruin today?



J: Yeah, you tot.. The show? The podcast?



G: Yeah [unintelligible] I guess.




36:42 - Question #7



J: Uh, "Hey, my girlfriend and I have a long-distance relationship for almost nine months now, and we're both about to be college freshmen at different universities. As of the past few days, however, she has determined that she wants to back out for a semester or two and go home to build her confidence. I think this is a huge mistake, but don't know how to correctly approach her about it. I want to be supportive at every corner, but at the same time, I want to make sure she's making the right decision." Worried in Wilmington. [pause] You know, Worried, it's a funny thing about being supportive. It's that once the person makes the decision, you support them. 'Cause, uh.h. other.. yeah..



G: Interesting!



J: Yeah, I know! You back them up.



G: You just do the thing the word says.



T: Hmmm!



J: Right, because if you say, like, 'I don't think you're doing the right thing; you're messing up; you're gonna be perpetually messing up in my eyes,' I.. I don't think that's supporting the person. Like, she's a big girl, like, she knows, she knows what she's doin'.



T: Yeah, but, at the same time.. yeah, okay, so if you're just trying to be supportive, I agree with Justin. However, there is a certain amount of, like... Like teaching someone to drive: if they swerve, you grab the wheel. And you, and you, you know, you guide them away from hitting that tree.



G: Nope, nope.



J: Nope.



G: You gotta be supportive, and you gotta respect their decision to drive you into a tree.



T: Wel...



J: Guys, seriously think about this for a second. How, how many times have you, [sigh], how many times have you made a decision, and then someone tells you - a big, serious decision - and someone tells you, you know, 'It's the wrong way to go.' And you changed your mind against your own free will? Like it.. it's something you didn't want to do, but that person changed your mind? That never, ever happens. The only time we take people's advice is when it's justification for what we already want to do.



G: That's not true!



J: Sure it is.



G: No, that's a super dark way to look at things.



T: [same time as Griffin above] Uh, I think that's an EXcellent point.



J: No, no, people, when people ask for...



T: I, I think it's absolutely incorrect.



J: When people ask for advice, what they want is someone to support them. And if you really care about her, I say you just support this decision. She's smart enough to make her own choices, like, she knows her own, her own and life and her own mind. I, I just don't think your.. I don't think talking, trying to talk her out of things is the way to go.



G: I think there can be a bias that you can have in your own brain, where, like, you.. when you have a tough decision like this, you can be leaning towards one or the other, but I think it's.. you're still susceptible to advice. I think that's kind of a, a messed up way to look at things.



J: Ye... well no, especially in this case, she didn't ASK for his advice. She didn't WANT his opinion on, on what, like...



T: That's true.



G: Yeah.



J: She didn't say, like, 'Hey, would it..' If's someone's asking... The reason I point this out is that if she was ASKing for your advice, and she was kinda like on the fence one way or the other, for sure, like, tell her what you think. But trying to convince someone to do something they don't want to do, I think is, is gonna be a huge source of undue stress in your relationship.



T: Yeah, um...



G: Let.. Let's get, let's get specifically into this question though. She wants to go home to build her confidence. I think that there's.. and instead of giving her advice, I think that you can her help do THAT, and still get her to, to go to school, still get her to, to keep up her regular school schedule. Because this is this kind of thing where.. It's not like a... I'm not saying it's the right choice for everybody all the time, but if you think it's the right choice for her, and assuming that you know her pretty well, I, I think that you.. I think it's your duty to try and influence her decision.



T: I, I just worry that going home and, like, backing out of school isn't a good way to build confidence.



G: Not at all.



J: No.



T: It see.. It seems like she's afraid to start this next step of college, and so she's just not going to do it. And that is not confidence building at all. So that, that's what concerns me, is that it's not the idea of you saying, 'It is a bad idea,' it's that it IS a bad idea.



G: And, and if it's.. uh, you said you were going to different universities. If it's because she doesn't want to leave you, you need to.. that's, that's not good at all.



T: Mm



G: That's not good, that's not...



J: Well is she, is her staying.. like is the place she's staying in near the university that HE's going to? I don't think...



G: Uh, I don't know, he doesn't, he doesn't say.



J: That was not made explicitly clear.



G: But, but if that IS the case, then that's, that is definitely something you need to inter.. interject and be like, 'Hey, don't do this for me, like, this is a super, super important thing that you have to do. Um, and, and don't do it for this, this relationship.'



T: I, I think that in all things, if you're looking for a way to approach it and actually, like, bring it up, asking questions than making statements. If you're like, 'Why do you think.. why do you feel you need to do this? What do you.. what's your plan?' You know, that kinda thing, as opposed to going, 'This is a bad idea. I don't think you should do it.' Like, 'cause then that's you. But asking her questions will help HER to realize if it's something she really wants to do or not.



J: Um. Yeah. i.. it's a, it's a sticky, it's a sticky situation. Um.. but I, I, I.. Just don't try to impose your own thoughts, because she's looked at this at different angles, but there's ways to.. I.. What I would do if I were you is really talk to her about it and REALLY figure out what's really at the root of it. Try your best to understand it, because if you, if you understand what she's feeling completely, then you are going to see things her way. You will see why she is staying there, um, and then you can kind of go from there. But, I would first, I think your first step is to try to, uh, to um, uh, understand where she's coming from. Personally, that's what I think.



G: You know what I think?



J: What?



G: Maybe we should do a Yahoo.



J: Yeah. Can we do the one about the tree sex again?



G: Yeah, sure.



J: No.



G: This.. h, h, hey, sex.. tree sex! What's up with that?



T: [laughs]




42:26 – Question #8 (Yahoo Answers)



G: Um, how about this one? This one was sent in by Golly Aolly. It's by Yahoo Answers user Jordan Krum. Remember that last name, everybody: Jordan Krum. "My last name is Krum, and I'm running for 4H president at my school. I need good slogans for my posters. 4H is green and for the planet. Please put more than one slogan." Oh, don't worry Jordan.



J: [laughs] I think we've [unintelligible]



T: Done, done, and done! Krumbelievable!



J: Fuck, you beat me to it.



G: [loud laugh] Can we set it that song?



All: [to the tune of EMF's "Your Unbelievable"] "He's Krumbelievable, OH!" [all sing the guitar riff]



G: Uh..



T: I wish that that wasn't always in my head, all the time.



J: Ti.. time...



T: 24-7, that like 2 seconds of music.



G: 'Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.'



T: [laughs]



J: Time to pull the Krumbilical cord..



G: Yeah.



J: ..and succeed!



G: Pull it?



J: Pull it. Cut it! Cut the Krumbilical



T: [laughs]



G: No, I like pulling it better.



J: [laughs[



G: [strained voice] 'Uwhhhhhh! I'll get out of this. I'll get out of THIS one.' Um..



J: He's not like that weird cartoonist, Krumet.



G: Jesus, um, uh, uh



J: Come, no I'm lookin' at you. Gimme something. Look at my eyes. Krum.



G: Krum.



J: Krum.



G: There, there's nothing I don't wanna say that isn't.. put on your ear muffs, everybody.



J: [giggle]



G: [whisper] Cum, I mean. Like..



J: I'm Krumming!



G & T: [laugh]



J: Uh, let's see some of the, uh, uh, some of the really.. some of the really stellar answers here.



G: Uhh, several slogans for Krum for 4th president are: "Don't be glum..."



J: No I'm sorry, what?



G: Krum for 4TH president.



J: [laughs] Okay..



G: It's the third president down the line.



J: Okay..



G: "Don't be glum, vote for Krum! 4th President." Not so great.



J: Not a good start.



G: Give a...



T: [laughs] I was GOING to be glum, but...



G: "Give a 'Ho Ho Hum', vote for Krum! 4th President."



T: Nope. [chuckle] That's not it at all.



J: Mmhmm



G: 'Who you votin' for?' [distinguished voice] 'HO HO HUM! KRUM!'



J: 'Krum! Tippecanoe and Tyler too!'



G: "I'd give out chewing gum if you vote for Krum. 4th President."



T: Nope!



J: Nope.



G: That's bribery.



T: All these things make me want to NOT vote for Krum. Is that..



G: "Make a rul of thumb, vote for President Krum!"



J: That's.. if he's President Krum, he doesn't need your vote.



T: To be fair, 'President Krum' sounds like a war lord, and I love it.



J: Yeah.



G: "Don't become numb, vote for Krum. He will lead us alive, our school will thrive!"



J: What the fuck?



T: WHAT?



G: [unintelligible] 'To a glorious revolution!'



[laughter]



T: [in dark British accent] 'Overlord Krum.'



J: [laughs] [weird Viking accent] And the.. and the floor of the cafeteria we stain with blood!



T: [laughs]



G: I was thinking in my.. I was thinking in my mind like a chubby version of Beans from Even Stevens, like, that kid, only he's in the Obama poster, the 'Hope' poster, only instead of 'Hope', it just says 'Krum'.



T: [still laughing]



J: Fuck, Justin Russo, make that t-sh...



G: Hey Justin Russo?



J: Make that t-shirt!



G: Shit's on you. Uh, by the way, those suggestions came from George. He's a college professor of education at FOUR universities in Illinois, New York, South Carolina, and District of Columbia. He likes making slogans. So if you go to his college in one of those four states, you should probably move.



J: [laughs]



G: Go somewhere else. Dude lives in D.C.; why didn't he give Obama some of his help? For 2012. Like, 'Obama, yo mama. Vote for 4th president'.



J & T: [laugh]



T: Y.. What is, what is fourth president? You make it sound like a fourth meal.



G: 'President Obama, he killed Osama! 4th president.'



J: [laugh]



G: Get him! Give him your votes. 'Let's keep this country alive, it must thrive! Obama!'



J: Is there a 'Who's Harry Krum' angle we're not approaching?



T: [chuckle]



G: Um... no.



J: [laughs] Okay, alright, that's good enough for me. 'Heyyy, you're a history.. you're a college professor of education. You're fired. Go find another state.' That happened THREE times. 'Your slogans are terrible.'



G: Do you think he teaches politic.. oh no, I think, I bet he teaches education about politics. I bet, I bet that he knows every single slogan that's ever been done in any presidential campaign, and he has compiled that information to create these surefire winning machines.



J: You gotta come up with something snappy. "I Like Ike." That's great.



G: Yeah.



T: Mmhmm.



J: I.. 'I Chum Krum'. Is that good?



G: Um..



J: No.



G: Kru..



J: 'Big Tum Krum,'



G: 'Big Tum Krum.' I...



T: I think it's time to accept that you don't have a successful political name.



G: Yeah, you don't. Can we change it to, like, BRODERICK.



T: [laugh]



J: Yeah! Broderick: President and King.



G: [laugh]



J: [rough voice] Rock Broderick, sexual desire!



T: What is this voice that you're doing?



J: What about, what about it you ditched all the president shit? What if you focus on your sexual potency?



T: [chuckle]



G: Yeah. 'Krum: He is adequate. He'll get the job done.'



J: 'Krum: he'll do the electric slide with you at the dance.'



G: 'Krum.'



T: 'Krum: Sporting boners since 2006!'



G: 'Krum's got more boners than he knows what to do with. 4th president!'



J: 'Krum: he'll help you with your long division. He's got that shit down, he's in 4th grade.'



T: [laugh]



G: Yeah, I mean, you coul... the, the trick for winning a presidential election, which, Travis, I'm sure you know all about, is to find your, sort of your area of expertise in 4th grade. Like, are you a basketball star? 'Cause if that's the case, then, like, 'Krum makes ALL the points for the big team.'



J: Slam dunk.



G: Slam Dunk Krum.



T: I, I would suggest just a series of... How about a series of pictures of him as a basketball star, as a chemist, as a, as President Obama? But just the exact same facial expression in everything.



J: [laugh]



G: His arm around Barry.



J: 'We caught him together, Barry!'



G: 'We got him. Couldn't have done it without ya. And you couldn't have done it without me. KRUM! 4th President.'



J & T: [laugh]



G: 'I will fuck you SO good.'



J: Wha.. he's a fourth grader!



G: Yeah, but he's also sexually potent. I'm trying to.. I'm bringing all our birds in to roost.



J: I.. this.. oh my god, Griffin, that answer was put onto this question 13 hours ago! George..



G: I know, it's hel.. piping hot.



J: George, George is still out..



G: Ooh! Fresh out' the kitchen!



J: George is still out there helping people. Wait, Krum..



T: He must be stopped!



J: Krum just put this.. Okay, guys, wh.. this is such a rare opportunity. Krum just put this question up 15 hours ago, and there are still three days left to answer. If you can find this question and start giving him some crumby suggestions, that would be..



T: Ohhh!



J: [unintelligible]



G: Oh no, okay, we just tapped into it. Uh..



T: 'Your Krummiest president.'



G: Yeah. Well no, no, I think it has to be.. 'His name's Krum, but he's not crumby. Vote for him, don't be a dummy!'



T & J: Whoa!



G: WHOA!



J: 'His name's Krum, he's not cummy..' Fuck.



G: He's not cummy!



J: Next question.



T: [laugh]



G: Don't tell! Listen, I'm sayin' get your mom, get a fuckin' Elmer's glue stick, get some spr.. get some sprinkle sparkles, and just fuckin' make that slogan happen.



J: Yeah.



G: Get a picture of you high-fiving Barack Obama, HOLDing Osama bin Laden's head on a plate.



J: FAN-tastic.



G: Guaranteed win.




49:33 - Question #9



J: So, hey. "I run a lot. Just a fact. And because of that, I'm usually wearing short shorts around my house and just in general. I love them because they're so comfortable and easy to wear. Everyone I know that isn't a runner hates them, and sometimes they're even appalled by the fact that I'm wearing them. So.."



T: Stop going to funerals in your short shorts!



J: "What I'm.. What I'm asking you is: why do people hate short shorts?"



G: I love 'em.



J: David, North Carolina. You know what bothers me about this show? We say pretty clearly, I think, in all of our promotional materials, our TV ads, our Superbowl spot.



G: Mmhmm.



J: We say, "It's an ADVICE show for the modren era." David has come to us not seeking advice. He has.. his decision about short shorts is..



G: Set in stone.



J: .. cast in iron.



G: Yeah.



T: I think, I think this is an opportunity. I think it's like one of those things where no one goes to a psychiatrist because they're afraid they have narcissism. Like, they go because they're depressed because nobody realizes how awesome they are.



G: Yeah.



T: I think that that's what this is. David has not asked for advice, but I feel David NEEDS advice.



G: Ahh, how short are these shorts, dog? Like...



T: That's my question.



G: What are we talking about here? Are we talkin' about some Daisy Dukes? Are we talkin' about some Jordan Krums? Like, how short are these?



J & T: [giggle]



G: Oh, in order for that joke to make sense, you have to see the picture of Jordan Krum that we're both looking at right now.



J: [laugh] I would...



G: I can't.. his t-shirt is so long, I can't even see it. It looks like he's a girl in a Poison music video right now.



J: There's sparks everywhere.



G: Mmhmm.



T: I would also say that short shorts in this, uh, situation sound like a uniform for running. So you should probably relegate it to that time, and only that time.



J: Yeah, just wear them while you're running, and no other time, EVER.



T: That's like, if I were a 55 year-old surfer, and I just rolled around in a wet suit all the time. Just like ALL the time.



G: I..



J: Or, or FLOATed around in a wet suit until the Coast Guard came by.



T:  Yeah.



G: I'm not sure I'm even cool with while it's running, 'cause when I, when I run, when, when I express myself through movement, um, and I see a gentleman pass by - which they're keen to do, 'cause I'm not the fastest runner - um, and I see them wearin' those short shorts, and it sounds like their thighs are high-fiving over and over again. Like just sloppy, just...



T: Well then you just do a slight wave and say, "Please don't try to see my balls!" As you run past.



G: Yeah, like.. and I can.. I can't NOT see his balls, like they're in, they're in my everything at that point, like in that brief moment when they pass by. Uh, and they always TOUCH me. They always just brush up against, and I feel their moist leg, their moist upper-thigh.



T: His balls?



G: No not, no not his balls.



T: Oh okay.



G: No, don't be crass. Um. His almost-balls.



T: [laughing] Okay.



G: Still his no-no zone, but like, his almost-balls.



J: Why are you not wearing them.. Why are you wearing them any other time? It's a running uniform, like, I don't wear my cleats for sports inside the house. My sport-cleats.



G: I'm saying don't wear them at all. I'm saying [unintelligible]...



T: When I get done with my desert horse race, I take off my jog purse.



G: Yeah.



J: Yup. Oh, and David, just so we're clear: people don't hate your short shorts; people hate your legs.



G & T: [laugh]



J: They don't wanna see all the things.



G: That's another situation, like...



T: They don't wanna see your pasty, sweaty get-away sticks.



G: Yeahhh, what kinda legs are we talkin' about here? Are we talking about, like, some daddy longlegs, lanky-ass pale and pasties? Or are we talking about like..



T: Or are they jealous?



G: Are we talking about legs that look like Robin William's fingers?



J: [laugh]



T: Maybe we're talkin' about legs that go ALL the way up.



J: [moan-laugh]



T: And everybody's just jealous.



G: Are we talkin' about some Michael Ceras? Or are we talking about some Bruce Vilanches.



T: [laugh]



J: They're both bad! Like, I don't understand what you're saying.



G: I know! I'm sighi.. I'm trying to guage what kind of... Have you ever seen a dude's legs and gone, "Aww, yeahhhhh"?



T: [laugh]



G: Except for Timothy Olyphant, obviously.



T: Other than Timothy Olyphant, yeah.



G: Yeah.



J: Go to jail.



G: ...shit.



J: [chuckle] Do not pass go.



G: I haven't.. I don't think that's a good look for a dude. I don't think a.. i..i..i..iie...uh.. I haven't seen a, I haven't talked to a lady who appreciates a good leg. I think the best thing.. that's



J: So, I like.. I know ladies like buns.



G: Yeah, they like a tight bun, but, like.. I guess you get that by running.



T: So you want him to run in ass-less chaps?



J: [laugh]



G: Or just, just running JEANS, everybody. Can you just hide your fuckin' gross legs?



T: [laugh] Nothing like the comfort and ease of jeans!



G: Yeah, 'cause you can.. jeans... You get some cargo jeans goin', and you tuck bottles of water in there. You get your Zune and your bottle of water in there.



J: [laughs] Pow.. Powerbar.



T: And your bag of Cheese Nips.



J: [laughs] Hmm.



G: Yeah, bag of Cheese Nips. And maybe a Game Boy, 'cause it gets boring out there on the street.



T: [laugh] Wai..



J: What if I open Tetris?



G: Like 'How's your run going?' 'Good! Catchin' 'em all. You hungry? I got Nips.'



J & T: [laugh]



G: [squirrel eating sound]



J: Yo, yo, yo..



T: And if it helps, you can wear your short shorts underneath the jeans.



G: Yeah.



J: Yeah.



T: If that makes YOU feel better.



J: If you just need to feel that mesh close to your scrote.



G: Yeah.



J: Hey, uh, I wanna hear Griffin's last question, but first, uh, uh, quick housekeeping stuff. Um, we are at MBMBaM.com. That is the letters of My Brother, My Brother and Me dot com. You could probably figure that out. Our Twitter is, uh, M-B, is AT M-B-M-B-a-M. Um, Griffin, can you tell 'em how, how they, they can reach out to us, how they can reach us?



G: Uh, you can email us at, uh, mbmbam@maximumfun.org. Or just mbmbam@gmail.com if that's how you like to do what you do. Um, or you can just shout at us on Twitter. We're always looking. We're always lookin' out for that hashtag and that 'at' sign.



J: Yeah.



T: And if you need a more direct way, you can call Griffin at 1-900-HOTPANTS.



G: Hot pants, with a 'z'.



J: Hottest pants.



G: Don't call that number, though, 'cause it's probably something bad.



T: [laugh]



G: Um, I wanna thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of their song "It's a Departure" off the album Putting the Days to Bed, which.. Just go buy that. We're in Seattle right now, and I've just been thinkin' about just hunting him down like a antelope. Like some sort of wild creature, just like...



J: Well...



T: And, well then you, you tag him and release him back into the wild.



G: Tag him and release him, but thank him. I just wanna thank him personally for.. Thank you. Hey, J.. John, thank you. For the use of your song. It's SO good.



J: I'm sorry I tried to hunt you down.



T: And because people have asked, what is our, uh, what's our closing song? It's..



G: Oh, it's off of Girl Talk's Feed the Animals. It's "Play Your Part Part II". The very ending of it. Thank you, Girl Talk.



J: Play your part, part two. [pause] And thank you to everybody who talked about us on Twitter, uh, this week: uh, AlwaysAmyH, uh always devoted in her, um, talking about us; uh, RocksInHisHead, I appreciate that; uh, Ryan Winslet, Gailen Our Bold Hero, Bird Lord, Christa Waylan as always, Ham Doc...



T: I wanna thank, uh, Ash Brook Eck, who, or.. it's probably Ash Brook K, now that I look at it again.. who wondered if the, the quake would get mentioned on this week's My Brother, My Brother and Me. And sadly, it will not.



J: Uh, thanks to Ham Doctors. We met, uh, we met, uh, Oni Daven and Lins.. our, our friend Lindsay here at, uh, in Seattle. Um, so thank you to, to both of them for being so sweet. Um, AND speaking of people we met, we met Emily Carol, who you can find at EmilyTerrible on Twitter.



G: She does the best art, and, and we met her out here.



T: Oh GOD, yeah.



G: I wa.. I was super nervous.



J: Yeah, me too. Super nervous.



G: I was actually super nervous, 'cause I was, I was like 'You make the best art, but now you're talkin' to US.' It was just...



J: She mad an MBMBaM art. She made an art!



G: I, I'm sure everybody saw it. It's..



J: Well..



G: I'm sure it's got blowed up world wide. But if you DIDN'T, um..



J: Just track her down.



G: It's in the forums! It's in them.. forums.



J: Oh it's in them forums. You can find at maixmumfun.org and just click forums. Um...



T: And I wanna throw out a special thanks to Joel Seibert, who also thought that all checks had to be in cursive, so I'm glad that he was there with me. Thank you, Joel.



J: Uh, if you'd like to have us talk about a, a special event in your life, or you're a corporation that wants us to, uh, promote your product...



G: Or if you're a lonely gentleman, and you want to um...



J: Still haven't done that personal ad.



G: You just want to get a person. If you want us to boost your sexual confidence..



J: [chuckle] So you can go to school.



G: So you can go to school finally, then we can do that for you. Listen, I'm so hungry right now...



J: Max.. You gotta give the address, stupid.



G: It's maximumfun.org, right? Not dot com.



J: That, no that's good.



G:  There's a dot org. Maximumfun.org slash jumbotron. And we will blow your shit up. We, we.. It's affordable, it's, it's.. We'll talk all about you, only nice things, unless you raise our ire, and we'll just, we'll blow your shit up. On our podcast.



T: And we will literally say ANYthing you want.



G: We will s.. we will suck ANYthing.



J: We'll say anything for... what?!



G: For money!



J: Say the last question, the show's over.



G: I'm so hungry! Awww, 69! Guys, it's episode 69!



J: Dirty! Somebody open a window.



G & T: [laugh]



J: Griffin.. Griffin, fuckin' say the last question.



G: No, I wanna talk more about episode 69 because...



J: I wanna go eat. I'll read it; I can see your computer.



G: But listen, episode 69, I feel like this is a good, this is a good moment, 'cause I think that we pleased our consumers, and they please us.



J & T: [laugh]



G: And so I just wanna thank.. no I wanna thank every.. This is the time for thank yous, and I wanna thank every single one of our listeners for engaging in...



T: We, we couldn't have done it without you, and you couldn't have done it without us.



G: Yeah. You have to have us. Just keep remem.. [soft angry voice] Just fuckin' remember that. You're nothing without us.



T: [laugh]



G: And we're nothing without you! So thanks for.. let's just, let's just rub each other's gens.



T: [laugh] Their gen-tals.



G: Just rub some gens. Thanks everybody.




Final Yahoo: 59:26



G: This final Yahoo was sent in by Golly Aolly; thank you Golly Aolly. It's by Yahoo Answers user HottyHeart25, who asks: "I have canker sores in my mouth. Is it bad to eat spicy Doritos?"



[outtro music begins]



J: [laugh] I'm Justin McElroy.



T: I'm Travis McElroy.



G: I'm Griffin McElroy.



J: This has been My Brother, My Brother and Me. Kiss your dad square on the lips.



[music outtro]

"Keep your heart, three stacks, keep your heart.

Hey, keep your heart, three stacks, keep your heart.

Man, these girls is smart, three stacks, these girls is smart.

Play your part."

References & Links Edit

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